Well, I've been thinking about something that my therapist brought up briefly during our last session. She knows a woman who is a lesbian, but this woman CHOSE to be a lesbian. Now, let's discuss this. Many of my fellow Oasians insist that no, being gay is not a choice, that you are born gay and that's a part of your being that cannot be changed. But this woman that my therapist was referring to was molested as a child by a male, and raped as a teenager. After such traumatic experiences with men, this woman decided to never trust men and therefore "chose" to be a lesbian.
Some prickhole thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair in German. I think it was a kid from the period before mine. So I sat down and right away I jumped up and yelled "OUCH! SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURT!" in the middle of class, and everybody looked at me weird, and my face turned red. It felt like being stung in the ass by a wasp, and it REALLY took me by surprise. I would love to figure out what dumb ass thought it would be funny to do that. That sort of thing can only be done by someone with the mental capacity of a fucking third grader. I hate people.
Things haven't been going my way since Saturday. My aunt only has a couple of months (if that) to live. The tumor on her liver has gotten so big that there's nothing the doctors can do. How would it feel like, being told how much longer you had to live? I can't imagine what my aunt is going through right now, and it's depressing because she lives in a trailer all alone and I never get to see her because my dad's side of the family is horrible about staying in touch. I want to feel really bad, but I can't because I barely know the woman. Still, I am pretty bummed.
...What's your favorite kind of Pop Tart?
Ohbytheway...here are 4 cool songs you might enjoy:
In my AP English class, we've been reading rhetorics by Aristotle and Nietzsche and other really well-known philosophers. And I must say, it is some very interesting stuff. I particularly love Nietzsche, even though many find him offensive. Anyway, we've also been discussing happiness and what it means to be truly happy. Discussing happiness is very frustrating. I mean, there are SO many ways to define it.
I have decided to post one of my poems. I wrote this about a year ago, towards the end of my freshman year, but I recently made some changes to it. This is a huge step for me, because I've never shared my poetry with anyone before, except for Amber. That being said, I would love some HONEST feedback. If you hate it, just tell me. I need some constructive criticism, so all opinions are welcome.
Forever the Antagonist
Come, faceless liar
Take comfort in my affliction
It's my weakness you desire
So satisfy your twisted addiction
How dare you label me pathetic
For those of you who don't know, I'm a (wannabe) poet and writer. I use to write, like, one poem a day. But I haven't finished a poem in months. When I sit down and try to write something, I just...can't do it. I have ideas in my head, phrases that would go great in a poem, but I am no longer capable of putting it on paper. This bothers me. I would normally dismiss it as a case of writer's block, but writer's blocks don't typically last for 8 months. Meehhh I wanna write a poem, damn it! I have so many great ideas!
Is anybody else getting really tired of turning on the TV and hearing about the royal wedding with Prince William and that Kate lady? I don't see the big deal, and that's not because I'm an ignorant American. The royal family doesn't even have any political power. They just have lots of money and servants. They'll probably just get divorced within 4 months anyway. So, yeah. I just don't see why every news broadcast or talk show in America is fussing over it. ANNOYING.
So, what's your favorite cereal? Mine is Cinammon Toast Crunch. Yummy.
Looks like I'm not working at the pet store after all :( Which really sucks, because I was really looking forward to petting the animals. I've applied to Shopko, a different pet store, County Market, Papa John's, and the local bowling alley. Of these, I'm really hoping for either the other, smaller pet store or the bowling alley. Working at the bowling alley would be so super easy. And I enjoy bowling. So I've got my fingers crossed. Finding a job is more difficult than I thought :|
I'm just sitting here, eating goldfish crackers, watching Cops. My Easter was quite lovely, if you disregard the fact that I was forced to go to my grandma's extremely old school church. Man, those people are so depressing. "Your life has no meaning." "We're all wasting away second by second." "The Lord will punish you for wearing sinful clothing!" Bleh. I swear, the people at my grandma's church condemn anything that is fun or doesn't conform. Fun and individuality are SINS. I don't need to hear that.
Well, I've been wanting to read the Satanic Bible. Wait! Before you guys freak out, I must make it very clear that I don't want to convert to Satanism. I love reading about different philosophies and religions, and I'm curious as to what Satanism is about. And no, it's not all voodoo rituals and blood sacrifices. Anyway, a man named Anton Szander LaVey wrote the Satanic Bible in which he pretty much sums up his ideas about religion and society. I want to buy it, but when my mom learned that I was gonna try and read it, she FLIPPED.
I want to change my account picture, but some unseen force will not allow me to do so. I've punched my laptop in the face four times now and I need a solution!
Yesterday I had a wonderful session with my therapist. I told her about those racy fantasies I've been having lately, and she basically restated what you guys have told me. That it's completely normal and actually very healthy and natural. We also started discussing the book, another thing I wrote about recently. Very nice, hearing her input about everything. I always feel at peace when I leave her office. She makes me feel good about being who I am.
Bleh. Curse my weird hormones. I've been having, umm, fantasies about girls lately. And when I say girls, of course I'm referring to mainly Amber. The thing is, when I first realized I was in love with Amber, the furthest I imagined us going was cuddling...with clothes on, of course. And maybe a few kisses. My love for her was so pure and innocent and puppy-like. But now...my fantasies are becoming more erotic and racy. I imagine her naked and...well, I won't go into explicit detail.
My therapist gave me this book about sexuality to read. There's a lot of interesting stuff in it, but it's loaded with too many statistics. For example, this book says that gay people are, like, ten times more likely to experience depression and suicidal thoughts. Gee, that makes me feel great. But it also had a reassuring section saying that you don't need to have sex to figure out your sexuality. Does a heterosexual guy need to fuck a girl to figure out if he's straight? No. That's basically the book's arguement. That makes me feel sooo much better.