Something weird happened to me today. So I was doing a project about stars in Astronomy, and my lab partner looks at my handwriting and says, "I bet you're a butch."
"What?" I say, puzzled. (I haven't really come out fully yet)
"You're handwriting is very masculine," she says. I'm pretty sure she wasn't joking either. She then proceeded to tell me that my voice, my clothes, and my handwriting all scream "butch," as she so nicely puts it.
To take my mind off of the first love of my life, I shall rave about this girl I'm crushing on in my pre-calc class. She has the most adorable laugh, and when I hear it, I want to laugh too, even if what she's laughing at isn't funny. It's the contagious kind of laugh, basically. Her smile is so childlike and innocent. Her face is chalk white, but when she giggles, she blushes ever so slightly. Her hair is a dark red, which is a rarity at my school. She's so petite, and her frame is fragile, as if hugging her too hard would cause her to break into little pieces.
Bleeehh. I'm really not in the best of moods today. All (well, most) of my friends are pissing me off. "I'll always be here for you Jenna!" they tell me. "You can always trust me Jenna!" What a load of bullshit. The second I come to them with a problem, they say "Oh that's too bad" and change the subject. As if this whole situation with Amber wasn't enough. Now I'm starting to realize that 90% of my friends suck. Fuck them. If I'm alone and having one of my famous self-pity moments, who do I call? Who do I turn to? Gah. I just don't care about anyone anymore.
Ugh. The internet at my dad's wasn't working, so I couldn't get on Oasis at all. It drove me nuts. I've really become dependent on this website.
BUT I got to see Riley! Everyone stops and stares when I take him for a walk because he's twice the size of a regular chocolate lab. 130 pounds of cuddly-ness. And that's not an exaggeration. He's like a bear, I swear. He loves everyone and his massive size makes him look mean and vicious, but he's a sweetie.
Soo...I just tried to watch an episode of Jersey Shore...Ummm...Does somebody want to explain to me why people watch that piece of tasteless garbage? The whole show is about partying, drinking, and fucking. Is that really how people want to live their lives? They all claim to be hardcore "guidos," but only 3 of them are truly Italian, which is ironic. You know what else is sad? There's this kid from Switzerland in my German class, and he says that Europeans watch Jersey Shore, and they think that's how all Americans act. Oh god, no wonder Europeans think we're stupid.
Okay, I'm sure you all remember watching the video of the girl talking about atheism that was posted recently. I left a comment...a rather offensive comment...and I didn't realize that it sounded really insensitive. So, I went back and read it, and it hit me that the comment I left was blatantly rude and uncaring. I mean, we're all entitled to our own opinions, but I should have realized that religion is a touchy topic and words should be handled delicately. So, I am deeply sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings or offended anyone. I will definitely watch what I say from now on. I apologize.
I'm writing this entry from the comfort of my home, even though I should be in school right now. This morning was one of the worst mornings of my life. Amber was being such a bitch to me, and I couldn't handle the stress. I rushed up to the bathroom and puked. Ew. And then my head hurt, and then I started crying because I was so afraid of my feelings, and I was so injured by Amber's recent actions. I called my mom from my cell phone while I stood in the bathroom and let out these awful hiccuping sobs. She told me she'd come to pick me up.
Today was a bore. Do you ever feel like you're stuck in a rut and you're living the same day over and over again? Yeah. That's how I feel.
You know what would be weird? If you named your son Christian, but he ended up becoming an atheist. That would be a dilemma...
ANYWAY. Well, I just got out of a German Club meeting. Frau Bakker says I'm one of her best students. Awww. We've just designed the German Club t-shirts, and we're now planning German Heritage Day. Yay. There's gonna be german food, german games, and german movies. Everything german.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter."
Is that not the coolest quote ever?
Another random thing: Why do people enjoy Facebook so much? I don't have a Facebook page, and I never will, and I'm 15. It's pointless. It's nothing but drama and gossip and rumors and people posting pictures of themselves and saying thy're ugly so people will disagree with them and people collecting online friends that they don't even know just to feel like they've somehow accomplished something.
So yeah. Facebook sucks.
I don't know why, but I can't get the memory of when my friend told me she knew about my feelings for her out of my head. The conversation went something like this:
Amber (my friend): "I know how you feel about me, Jenna. I know you like me."
Me: "...How did you know?"
Amber: "I've known for awhile. I could tell by the way you looked at me, and how you talked to me."
Me: "I'm so sorry, Amber. I never meant for it to happen. I'm sorry."
Amber: "Don't apologize. You can't help the way you feel. It doesn't
change our friendship, honey. You have nothing to apologize for."
Well, I just witnessed a car accident. I was driving my sister to dance class when all the sudden the car in front of me stops. I had to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting it. Then I see this truck get side swiped and two other cars get smashed. Yikes. Luckily no one was hurt. I've seen two accidents in the past 2 months. And to think I'm getting my license soon....
Woo! I got to see my sixth grade teacher yesterday. She's AMAZING. She listens to Metallica and hates the government and wears fucking awesome zombie bunny t shirts and bought me Mcdonald's!!! I love that woman. She's the one who encouraged me to become an author, and that's what I plan on doing. She really taught me how to be creative. I don't think I would be as passionate about writing and poetry if it weren't for her inspiration. And I got her email address so now we can talk more!! High school needs more teachers like her!
I'm just now realizing who I am. To be perfectly honest with you guys, I'm new to this whole being gay thing. The attraction to girls has always been there, but I'm just now discovering it. I'm in the process of accepting myself and knowing for certain who I am. I'm going to counciling, because I need help with this. For now, I'm just living one day at a time. I make the most of each day and try to remind myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of. I deserve happiness. Everyone does.
Let me make a long story short.