I'm beginning to fail to understand heterosexuality. Really. It used to be that I could appreciate the cuteness and sticky sweetness of straight relationships, but that no longer seems to be the case. Something just doesn't register when I see a girl and a guy together. I know a lot of straight people feel the same way about gay people, but at least some of them can look at a gay couple and say, "Aw, that's cute."
One: I finally, finally, went swimming at night with Brittany and Judd. I was bouncing off the walls with excitement, and then I got a text from Brittany asking if it was okay for her to bring her boyfriend. It felt like my stomach had been flung against a brick wall. What was I supposed to say? "Nope, can't bring that asshole with you. Sorry." So I responded: "Yeah sure, I mean, if he wants to", and I think she may have somehow picked up on my irritation, because for whatever reason she pulled into my driveway at 9 o'clock at night alone.
Glad Oasis is back. Anyway, I picked up a copy of The New Yorker the other day and I stumbled across an article about a guy by the name of Bryan Fischer, the host of a popular Christian radio talk show called "Focal Point." This guy has made it his mission in life to stand against gay rights. I couldn't even finish the article because it offended me too much, and I rarely get offended. This guy is irritating. Not only does he make the usual ludicrous statements of an ignorant homophobe, that being gay is a choice and it is "treatable," but he also believes that Adolf Hitler was gay.
Tonight. Tonight was freaking spectacular. I went to dinner with Judd and Brittany. We only stayed for about forty or so minutes, the conversation didn't pick up as smoothly as it did the last time Brittany came, but I think that's because all three of us were out of it; Judd was coming down from a high and Brittany and I were somewhat tired. So I suggested that we celebrate Brittany getting a new car by taking a cruise in it. Judd didn't want to go, so guess who spent an entire evening with Brittany alone? Yup. Me.
My forearms are incredibly sore from golf lessons. Yup, I've taken up golfing, simply because, like bowling, it doesn't require ridiculous amounts of athletic ability. My instructor says I'm better than the average beginner, so maybe I've discovered a hidden talent. Maybe if I can sharpen my skills enough I'll join the school golf team. My grandma's gonna start taking me to the driving range so I can practice before my next session. It's actually kinda hard, getting the right stance and swing and wrist movement and whatnot.
I'm pissed off because my best friend Judd has started dealing pot and his twin brother told his mom about it. I'm not sure which part of this pisses me off more: the fact that he's dealing weed or the fact that his twin brother got him grounded just to see him get in trouble. I have no issue with my friends smoking pot every now and then, but Judd does it a bit too frequently for my liking. And now that he's actually dealing it...that's a whole new level of stupidity, quite frankly. You get in a lot more trouble with the law if you deal than if you're just in possession.
There aren't any lesbians on Oasis. It's just me and Super Duck, and this makes me very sad. Just a bunch of gay dudes and a couple bi people. All of the lesbians left, I think. I feel like lesbians are a minority within a minority, which is so unfair. Like, gay guys are portrayed in the media a lot more than lesbians are. I dunno.
Nothing much...Just SAW THE AVENGERS WITH BRITTANY. Mhm. Yes sir. She texted me, asked me if I was busy, and suggested that we see The Avengers. She brought her little brother with her though. So much for doing the old stretch-and-put-one-arm-around-her-shoulder trick. Just kidding. I wouldn't really do that. Still, we have yet to be completely alone. We always have friends around, or in last night's case, a little brother. I didn't really mind though.
Everybody on here seems pretty angsty right now. I'm no exception. Nobody could make it to dinner tonight. Katie and Haylee are at some college trip thing all month and Judd made some lame excuse about conveniently forgetting it's Monday. I feel bad because I got really irritated with him and really snappy when he said he wasn't going, because he was my last hope for getting out of my house. He's never really seen my grumpy side before.
This journal is 95% Brittany. I usually have a few other topics to dilute the overwhelming Brittany-ness, but right now I don't. So to spare you, I'll start with the 5%: I went to another counseling appointment recently and I think I might not need it anymore. We talked about it for most of the hour and...I just think I'm too, y'know, happy for it. Sure, I have obstacles right now, but I'm not nearly as miserable as I was when I first started going. I was an emotional wreck, all confused about my sexuality and fighting with my dad and whining about Amber and shit.
I came out to my sister last night. We went swimming at ten o'clock at night, since a nighttime dip is much more fun. We just started talking and subjects came into the conversation that were perfect doorways to coming out. So I did. She was pretty surprised ("Whoa! You're a lesbo?!") but not at all bothered. I was concerned; a twelve-year-old mind is very spongy, absorbing everything around it. A lot of kids at her school are homophobic, including many of her close friends, and I was worried that it had rubbed off on her.
You know how Monday is dinner with friends night, and how Brittany is coming with us from now on? Well she didn't come last night because she thought we did this on Sundays and by the time I texted her and asked her if she was going she had already eaten dinner. So now I have to wait another week to see this girl. And on top of that, my friend Haylee, who is the funniest of the bunch and could've really cheered me up, didn't show up. AND my friend's obnoxious little sister decided to come and bring her on-and-off boyfriend with her. AND my friend Judd's annoying acquaintance also showed up.
I'm realizing just how much resentment I have pent up towards my mother and it's getting worse. I resent her because she didn't respond to my coming out Youtube-style; there were no hugs and no motherly pride. Is that unfair of me to expect immediate acceptance? No, I don't think so. I really don't. I'll never understand why this topic is still so hush-hush, why she keeps circling around it. It's annoying and I hate it. She hasn't acknowledged it at all, she keeps pretending that I'm a straight teenaged girl like she had planned for me.
School is over as of Friday and I am happy but also not happy. Summer is always boring after awhile. I had my AP English exam and I think I did okay, but I'm not too sure about my essays. We had to write three essays in two hours and I finished forty minutes early because I didn't know what else to say. We had to explain the rhetorical strategies JFK utilized in a speech about a spike in steel prices during Vietnam, and I had no fucking idea what to write. Not a good feeling. But other than that, I was content with how I did.
Today was Brittany's last day of high school. She's gone. All year long I dreaded this day. I saw it as a deadline of sorts, the end of the road. If I didn't win her affections by this day then it would be over and done. I would never see her again. I could not have been any more wrong, as usual. I found her at her locker after finals and we just hung around for awhile. She told me how weird it felt to actually be leaving high school. And last night she finally joined my friends and I for our typical Monday night dinner. She'll be coming every Monday from now on.