This journal is 95% Brittany. I usually have a few other topics to dilute the overwhelming Brittany-ness, but right now I don't. So to spare you, I'll start with the 5%: I went to another counseling appointment recently and I think I might not need it anymore. We talked about it for most of the hour and...I just think I'm too, y'know, happy for it. Sure, I have obstacles right now, but I'm not nearly as miserable as I was when I first started going. I was an emotional wreck, all confused about my sexuality and fighting with my dad and whining about Amber and shit.
I came out to my sister last night. We went swimming at ten o'clock at night, since a nighttime dip is much more fun. We just started talking and subjects came into the conversation that were perfect doorways to coming out. So I did. She was pretty surprised ("Whoa! You're a lesbo?!") but not at all bothered. I was concerned; a twelve-year-old mind is very spongy, absorbing everything around it. A lot of kids at her school are homophobic, including many of her close friends, and I was worried that it had rubbed off on her.
You know how Monday is dinner with friends night, and how Brittany is coming with us from now on? Well she didn't come last night because she thought we did this on Sundays and by the time I texted her and asked her if she was going she had already eaten dinner. So now I have to wait another week to see this girl. And on top of that, my friend Haylee, who is the funniest of the bunch and could've really cheered me up, didn't show up. AND my friend's obnoxious little sister decided to come and bring her on-and-off boyfriend with her. AND my friend Judd's annoying acquaintance also showed up.
I'm realizing just how much resentment I have pent up towards my mother and it's getting worse. I resent her because she didn't respond to my coming out Youtube-style; there were no hugs and no motherly pride. Is that unfair of me to expect immediate acceptance? No, I don't think so. I really don't. I'll never understand why this topic is still so hush-hush, why she keeps circling around it. It's annoying and I hate it. She hasn't acknowledged it at all, she keeps pretending that I'm a straight teenaged girl like she had planned for me.
School is over as of Friday and I am happy but also not happy. Summer is always boring after awhile. I had my AP English exam and I think I did okay, but I'm not too sure about my essays. We had to write three essays in two hours and I finished forty minutes early because I didn't know what else to say. We had to explain the rhetorical strategies JFK utilized in a speech about a spike in steel prices during Vietnam, and I had no fucking idea what to write. Not a good feeling. But other than that, I was content with how I did.
Today was Brittany's last day of high school. She's gone. All year long I dreaded this day. I saw it as a deadline of sorts, the end of the road. If I didn't win her affections by this day then it would be over and done. I would never see her again. I could not have been any more wrong, as usual. I found her at her locker after finals and we just hung around for awhile. She told me how weird it felt to actually be leaving high school. And last night she finally joined my friends and I for our typical Monday night dinner. She'll be coming every Monday from now on.
I was so overjoyed when I turned on the news this morning. Obama is supporting gay marriage. He certainly has my vote, if only I were eighteen! I just really, really hope that he gets reelected since Mitt Romney won't budge on his stand against gay marriage. I probably shouldn't be basing my opinions of political candidates solely on their view of gays, but eh. I don't really care about anything else relating to government. Everybody's always all, "Oh that's bad, you should be interested in your government so you can be educated and not ignorant." Well I'm not.
Guess where I was Saturday night? Brittany's house. Yes sir. She invited me over for a little bonfire to celebrate her eighteenth birthday. I didn't get to stay nearly as long as I wanted, but it was still awesome. I met her parents, who seem nice enough, and her baby sister, who is adorable even though I'm not a fan of babies. Just a handful of people were there, it wasn't a huge thing, which made me less nervous. I stayed as late as I possibly could which meant getting back to my dad's almost two hours late, but I don't care.
I reached an important milestone in my life after school yesterday: my very first car accident! Basically another girl didn't see me coming because of a third car stopped to turn and she turned right in front of me. I couldn't stop in time and rammed into her back passenger door. Everybody was fine, but she's tiny and sensitive, so she was shaken up a bit. Luckily we sorta kinda know each other, so at least it wasn't some douchebag or an angry old man. Her car definitely took a lot more damage than mine. I just have some paint smears, a dent in my front bumper, and a crack in my headlight.
I just got back from a trip to a liberal arts college here in Illinois. It was pouring rain half the time I was there, but it stopped eventually. The campus was modest in size. There was an intriguing historic vibe to it (one of the buildings is the site of the Lincoln-Douglas debates and houses several Lincoln-related artifacts). The campus is obscured by lush trees, lending me that sense of comfortable isolation. Paths of concrete and cobblestone mingled in a charming fusion of history and present.
I remember when I used to get so offended or shocked whenever I would point out a random guy to a friend and ask her if she'd ever date him and her response would be somewhere along the lines of "Ew! No! He's so ugly!" Because I used to have this silly idea that love refuses to discriminate on the basis of appearance. When in reality, you can't really maintain a relationship with someone you're not physically attracted to.
My friend told me she thinks all girls with short hair are lesbians. Or that all lesbians have short hair. One of the two. Tragic thing is, she was being serious. She's one of my few friends who is under the impression that I'm bisexual, so she had no idea what she was saying. I can only laugh her stupidity off. It's just so utterly idiotic that it's not even worth getting worked up over.
It was. Today was an insult to Mondays, which are horrible to begin with. I barely got to speak to Brittany, she canceled our plans from yesterday because she was "too busy," and her fucking fan club swarmed her during journalism and she didn't even acknowledge my existence, something I haven't experienced in awhile.
Wuthering Heights is a horrible book. I got to page 100 and quit, and I rarely quit a book, especially if it's assigned for English like this one was. We took a quiz over it today and I wrote her a note: "Yeah...haven't really read the book, in case you couldn't tell. Whoopsie." I hope she doesn't take that as a smart-ass comment and get mad at me for it. I was just being honest. But yeah, classicism isn't my style. All I see in this book is a bunch of rich people exchanging spouses and doing fucked up shit in the name of "love." At least I can read a summary of the book on the internet.
It's been two months, I think, since my mom and I had that conversation about my sexuality. And hey, whaddya know, nothing's been said ever since. The only time I brought it up after that was when I told her I came out to a couple of my close friends and her response was, "Be careful who you tell." Thing is, she grew up in a rural Illinois high school with only a hundred students. There was one lesbian in her class who was constantly tormented, even threatened physically. I think that's stuck in her mind. When she looks at me, she sees that girl.