I need to tell her this. I'm writing about it so I won't forget or mess up what I'm going to say and fuck anything up. Read it, don't read it. Comment, don't comment. I really don't give a fuck. This is for my memory.
I'm kind of in zombie mode right now, just kinda moving around and hoping for my mood to improve. Today it got really bad after school. I kinda cried a little because I felt alone and then I crawled into bed and forced myself to sleep so I could shut my overwhelmed brain off. I think I'm fine right now, I just really haven't been in such a funk for quite awhile. This too shall pass, I suppose.
I don't think you can really find happiness; I think you create it. People are in such a hurry to find it, as if it's locked away somewhere. Everyone thinks there are maps that can lead them to it, that there's some big secret to discovering it. If I could change this, I'll be happy. If I do that, I'll be happy. We turn happiness into a solution to a complex equation and we make the equation nearly impossible to solve.
Today was a horrible day.
Whining time. I've been a bit depressed lately. I feel like nobody appreciates what I do for them or who I am. I feel like I am alone. I feel like I'm not getting what I deserve. I feel like there's something missing, that I'm not living my life to its fullest extent. I feel like I'm just kinda drifting through life, and all the days of the week just coalesce into one big, uneventful lump. So, I've decided to make a list about all of my positive attributes and personality traits. Here it is:
You are amazing! I am thrilled, and so proud of you. I know you will do amazing things in your lifetime. I plan to follow your accomplishments and successes with great eagerness and support you anyway I can. You feel like one of my very own.
Jenna, I am honored you can confide in me about your personal life, I treasure you.
Sorry I haven't been online lately. My laptop had a massive virus and some nice guy that works with my mom fixed it for me. So this Toshiba isn't a total piece of crap. I'll try to comment on people's journals, but it seems I haven't missed too much.
I'm spending New Years at my dad's house, doing absolutely nothing. I know this is the time to be making resolutions for the new year, so I'm curious...what are some of your new year resolutions?
I don't really believe in making new year resolutions. I believe that if you want to change something about yourself or your life, you shouldn't wait until the end of the year to do it. It's just an excuse to procrastinate for most people, and the majority don't even follow through with the resolutions they set anyway.
I've come to a conclusion about girls. Many of them like to be treated like shit. They do. I see it all the time, everywhere. This explains why I'm single. I'm too nice. I'm too sweet and caring and submissive. If I treat girls like shit, they'll like me. Am I being sarcastic right now? Sort of. Not entirely.
I now have Brittany's number, thanks to my best friend. And I don't know what to do with it. I don't have the balls to text her. I just don't want it to make everything awkward between us. What if she thinks I'm a creep who went to great lengths to get her number? What if I say all the wrong things? What if she just thinks it's weird? I wish my best friend hadn't given her number to me. Now it's driving me crazy and I'm thinking about it too much. It just seems wrong to text her if I didn't get her number from her personally. UGH.
The above title was an allusion to Keeping You A Secret, a wonderful book that I just finished. It's an adorable lesbian romance novel, very sweet and sappy. I recommend this to my fellow lesbians and homophobes everywhere. Holland's mom really pissed me off. I hope my mom won't react to my coming out like that. I wish I hadn't finished the book so quickly, but I just couldn't stop reading. Is it pathetic that I'm jealous of fictional characters and their awesomely adorable relationship? I'm thinking yes. I was jealous of what Holland and Cece had from chapter one! Ugh.
I say "happy holidays" cuz it's politically correct, as opposed to Merry Christmas. Hehe.
Today was just a shitty day. Shit everywhere. I had my last two finals of the semester, which were German and P.E, and I'm pretty sure I almost failed my German final. Probably got like a D+ or a C- or something. The German final is always total bullshit, because we're expected to know the whole goddamn language, even though our teacher is well aware that our vocabulary is very limited. I can't wait to drop German after this year. And my Calculus final...my god. I'm predicting a C+ or a B-. But my other subjects should be A's.
Have you ever hurt someone close to you on purpose, just to make sure that they still cared about you?
Just to say that life has continued to treat me wonderfully. Let's take a look at the reasons for my happiness in convenient list form, shall we?
Reason #1: I finally bought that gay pride ring I found, and I'm wearing it on a chain as a necklace. Will anyone notice and ask about it? Who knows. Maybe they'll just assume that I enjoy rainbows.