I really don't feel like writing journals about my life right now. If I did, I'd be complaining about the same shit, because nothing seems to be changing. Nothing's really going my way (whine, gripe, complain. Ugh. I annoy myself). I could make change if I had the courage to, but I don't. I've recently come to the realization that I don't have a best friend, that she never existed to begin with. She's an emotional whore, not a sexual whore. She makes everyone feel like they're the center of her world and then puts them on her shelf until she needs them.
So for a recent assignment in AP English, I wrote an essay describing the word orientation, which is so amazingly ironic. Basically our assignment was to explain society's definition for a word, and then explain what the actual definition is, at least from our perspective. I didn't come out in a straightforward way in the essay (I didn't think it would improve the essay in any way and it would be a distraction from the topic), although I really wanted to. So here it is. My definition essay for the word orientation.
Damn. I was going to post an essay I wrote for AP English, but that's on my account at school, not on my laptop's hard drive. Neither is my editorial about technology for the school paper. I'll get those tomorrow and post them later. So here's the first two parts of a poem I've been working on. I took a reallyyy long break from poetry, but recently I've started writing it again. So here it is. Honest opinions are much appreciated.
Cycle I: Scraped Knees and Freedom
I was born in another world
One that was limitless, yet confined
By my ignorance of evil,
I might be taking life too seriously.
But I don't know how to stop.
I need to tell her this. I'm writing about it so I won't forget or mess up what I'm going to say and fuck anything up. Read it, don't read it. Comment, don't comment. I really don't give a fuck. This is for my memory.
I'm kind of in zombie mode right now, just kinda moving around and hoping for my mood to improve. Today it got really bad after school. I kinda cried a little because I felt alone and then I crawled into bed and forced myself to sleep so I could shut my overwhelmed brain off. I think I'm fine right now, I just really haven't been in such a funk for quite awhile. This too shall pass, I suppose.
I don't think you can really find happiness; I think you create it. People are in such a hurry to find it, as if it's locked away somewhere. Everyone thinks there are maps that can lead them to it, that there's some big secret to discovering it. If I could change this, I'll be happy. If I do that, I'll be happy. We turn happiness into a solution to a complex equation and we make the equation nearly impossible to solve.
Today was a horrible day.
Whining time. I've been a bit depressed lately. I feel like nobody appreciates what I do for them or who I am. I feel like I am alone. I feel like I'm not getting what I deserve. I feel like there's something missing, that I'm not living my life to its fullest extent. I feel like I'm just kinda drifting through life, and all the days of the week just coalesce into one big, uneventful lump. So, I've decided to make a list about all of my positive attributes and personality traits. Here it is:
You are amazing! I am thrilled, and so proud of you. I know you will do amazing things in your lifetime. I plan to follow your accomplishments and successes with great eagerness and support you anyway I can. You feel like one of my very own.
Jenna, I am honored you can confide in me about your personal life, I treasure you.
Sorry I haven't been online lately. My laptop had a massive virus and some nice guy that works with my mom fixed it for me. So this Toshiba isn't a total piece of crap. I'll try to comment on people's journals, but it seems I haven't missed too much.
I'm spending New Years at my dad's house, doing absolutely nothing. I know this is the time to be making resolutions for the new year, so I'm curious...what are some of your new year resolutions?
I don't really believe in making new year resolutions. I believe that if you want to change something about yourself or your life, you shouldn't wait until the end of the year to do it. It's just an excuse to procrastinate for most people, and the majority don't even follow through with the resolutions they set anyway.
I've come to a conclusion about girls. Many of them like to be treated like shit. They do. I see it all the time, everywhere. This explains why I'm single. I'm too nice. I'm too sweet and caring and submissive. If I treat girls like shit, they'll like me. Am I being sarcastic right now? Sort of. Not entirely.
I now have Brittany's number, thanks to my best friend. And I don't know what to do with it. I don't have the balls to text her. I just don't want it to make everything awkward between us. What if she thinks I'm a creep who went to great lengths to get her number? What if I say all the wrong things? What if she just thinks it's weird? I wish my best friend hadn't given her number to me. Now it's driving me crazy and I'm thinking about it too much. It just seems wrong to text her if I didn't get her number from her personally. UGH.
The above title was an allusion to Keeping You A Secret, a wonderful book that I just finished. It's an adorable lesbian romance novel, very sweet and sappy. I recommend this to my fellow lesbians and homophobes everywhere. Holland's mom really pissed me off. I hope my mom won't react to my coming out like that. I wish I hadn't finished the book so quickly, but I just couldn't stop reading. Is it pathetic that I'm jealous of fictional characters and their awesomely adorable relationship? I'm thinking yes. I was jealous of what Holland and Cece had from chapter one! Ugh.