Still working my way through my English teacher's list of classics. Right now I'm reading The Picture of Dorian Gray, which is amazing. I don't know why I, as an avid reader, never bothered to read hardly any classics. I've noticed such a huge difference between modern literature and classic literature. Classic literature is driven more by morality and the underlying themes to the story, whereas this modern crap is all plot-driven.
I've been mulling over my sexual innocence lately. Confession time: I have never masturbated, and I have never looked at porn. Horrible, right? I fantasize a lot, but that's really my only outlet for my sexual curiosity. Nothing physical at all. But I don't have any desire to masturbate, and I have no desire to watch porn. I do, however, have a desire to be with someone.
I had the perfect opportunity to come out today to two of my friends, and I passed it up. They were talking about who they had crushes on, and one of them asked me if there were any boys I liked. Of course I said no, and she kept trying to get an answer out of me, until finally she jokingly asked, "Jenna, are you a lesbian?"
Do our actions determine who we are, or does who we are determine our actions?
I know I just wrote a journal, but I've been faced with a...problem. Two problems, actually, in two different classes. In AP Psych we're compiling playlists of songs that remind us of important events in our lives. One of my events is meeting my first major, super-important crush. But we also have to write a paragraph about each song that goes in detail about the memory associated with it. This is where my problem begins...I didn't write on my playlist that my crush was, in fact, a girl.
Yes, it's a bit early for that. But I bought a carton of it anyway. And it is soooooo gooooood.
Not much to report here, but I'm in an unusual journaling mood. Let's see...Been catching up on my soaps lately. Yes, I watch soap operas. Mostly The Young and the Restless, but also The Bold and the Beautiful. Sure it's super cheesy and unrealistic, but some of the actors and actresses are so talented. Some scenes have made me tear up a bit. Okay, maybe a lot. Don't judge me.
Thanksgiving wasn't much fun. In fact, it was horrible. It made me realize that I do not belong in my family. I am the black sheep of my mom's side of the family (hence the title of this here journal).
So, my best friend was arrested for shoplifting. I told you that already. She has to pay a 200 dollar fine by December 21st or else the judge will send her to some sort of youth home for troubled teens. She doesn't have a job, doesn't have enough money, and the odds of her finding a job and getting her first check before the 21st are slim. So what do I do? I offer to pay for half the fine.
I've changed my mind about my college of choice. I was planning on a liberal arts college in Chicago, but I found another private college in a smaller town. I am NOT a very urban girl. At all. My grandpa is a retired farmer and I spent the majority of my childhood on that farm. The town I live in is pretty big, around 40,500 people, which is the perfect size for me. Big cities make me uncomfortable. I don't like the noise or the people. And I did some thinking, and I came to the conclusion that I would be miserable in Chicago. Too big, too risky, too expensive.
Today was a wonderful day. I need more of these.
Here are some reasons why:
1) Took an AP Psych test and totally kicked its ass.
2) My best friend took a long moment to gush about how adorable and sweet and date-able I am.
3) I found two awesome CDs in the bargain bin for 5 bucks each. Now I have new music to blast in my car.
4) I entertained a few people in journalism. Made them laugh. The people on our staff are such cool people, and they adore me. New friends are being made. Lots of new friends.
Hm. Yes. Well then. Yesterday I received my very first paycheck. But I filled out my tax information wrong and they deducted a bit too much out of my paycheck for taxes. Damn it. Why did nobody explain the tax thingy to me? The wording was impossible to understand. No big deal though. I'm opening a checking account tomorrow after school, and I'm gonna get a debit card. I hope I don't go crazy with the spending. I've always been able to save money, but I've never had more than 200 bucks at a time before. Must exercise self-control.
I went to the mall yesterday with two of my...let's call them acquaintances. I haven't been to the mall with friends in a very, very long time. Both of the people I went with are attracted to me. A lot. One male, one female. The dude was the kid I danced with during homecoming. The other is a former good friend of mine. We smoked pot for the first time together in 8th grade and...erm, how should I put this... cuddled intimately in her bed. But that was awhile ago, and I thought it was no big deal, but I guess the girl's got feelings for me.
This annoying boy has a crush on me. He keeps texting me and telling me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and that he wants to date me. And you know what I did? I told him I was gay. Yup. So a guy I barely know knows I'm gay, yet my family and closest friends haven't a clue. He also told me that he can understand animals. Great. Apparently only freaks have crushes on me.
Saw my counselor today. Positive thoughts ensued. She told me she adores me. A rare mushy moment was shared between us.
Everybody says working at fast food joints is horrible. But I already enjoy my job...probably because I haven't been working long enough to hate it, but still. I can't work the grill very well, because I'm a dainty little girl and the grill is the hardest and fastest position, but I'm good with the fryers and everything else. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would, but it is very fast-paced. I come home smelling like grease though, so now I have to wash my hair every night. But work is great. It's such a wonderful distraction from everything else.
Orientation for my new job today. We watched a 90 minute training video about proper employee hygiene. Yikes. I look like a total dork in my uniform, but whatever. I also had no freaking idea how to fill out that damn tax thingy, so I guessed. I think I did it right. I also spent two hours driving around town looking for work pants. Finding a pair of pants that fit me is almost impossible. But I managed.