I now have Brittany's number, thanks to my best friend. And I don't know what to do with it. I don't have the balls to text her. I just don't want it to make everything awkward between us. What if she thinks I'm a creep who went to great lengths to get her number? What if I say all the wrong things? What if she just thinks it's weird? I wish my best friend hadn't given her number to me. Now it's driving me crazy and I'm thinking about it too much. It just seems wrong to text her if I didn't get her number from her personally. UGH.
The above title was an allusion to Keeping You A Secret, a wonderful book that I just finished. It's an adorable lesbian romance novel, very sweet and sappy. I recommend this to my fellow lesbians and homophobes everywhere. Holland's mom really pissed me off. I hope my mom won't react to my coming out like that. I wish I hadn't finished the book so quickly, but I just couldn't stop reading. Is it pathetic that I'm jealous of fictional characters and their awesomely adorable relationship? I'm thinking yes. I was jealous of what Holland and Cece had from chapter one! Ugh.
I say "happy holidays" cuz it's politically correct, as opposed to Merry Christmas. Hehe.
Today was just a shitty day. Shit everywhere. I had my last two finals of the semester, which were German and P.E, and I'm pretty sure I almost failed my German final. Probably got like a D+ or a C- or something. The German final is always total bullshit, because we're expected to know the whole goddamn language, even though our teacher is well aware that our vocabulary is very limited. I can't wait to drop German after this year. And my Calculus final...my god. I'm predicting a C+ or a B-. But my other subjects should be A's.
Have you ever hurt someone close to you on purpose, just to make sure that they still cared about you?
Just to say that life has continued to treat me wonderfully. Let's take a look at the reasons for my happiness in convenient list form, shall we?
Reason #1: I finally bought that gay pride ring I found, and I'm wearing it on a chain as a necklace. Will anyone notice and ask about it? Who knows. Maybe they'll just assume that I enjoy rainbows.
It most certainly was. I walked to the middle school after class and saw my 6th grade teacher for the first time in several months. We sat and chatted and it was wonderful. I've talked about her briefly before, and she's just the quirkiest teacher ever. She believes in universal energies and she dresses like a teenager and has the most unusual sense of humor ever. We talked about college, about our futures, about her salary being cut, about her being forced into getting a second job at a retail store in the mall because 25,000 dollars a year isn't enough anymore.
I'm happy cuz I just got a brand spankin' new library card. Why yes, libraries do still exist in the world. My town's library just had renovations done on it, and it looks awesome, like the freakin' Wal Mart of books or something. The place is huge. I think I'm the only teenager in America who cares about the existence of libraries. I'll probably be spending, like, every day at the library now that I gots mah library card. I carry it in my wallet with pride. Like a dork.
Still working my way through my English teacher's list of classics. Right now I'm reading The Picture of Dorian Gray, which is amazing. I don't know why I, as an avid reader, never bothered to read hardly any classics. I've noticed such a huge difference between modern literature and classic literature. Classic literature is driven more by morality and the underlying themes to the story, whereas this modern crap is all plot-driven.
I've been mulling over my sexual innocence lately. Confession time: I have never masturbated, and I have never looked at porn. Horrible, right? I fantasize a lot, but that's really my only outlet for my sexual curiosity. Nothing physical at all. But I don't have any desire to masturbate, and I have no desire to watch porn. I do, however, have a desire to be with someone.
I had the perfect opportunity to come out today to two of my friends, and I passed it up. They were talking about who they had crushes on, and one of them asked me if there were any boys I liked. Of course I said no, and she kept trying to get an answer out of me, until finally she jokingly asked, "Jenna, are you a lesbian?"
Do our actions determine who we are, or does who we are determine our actions?
I know I just wrote a journal, but I've been faced with a...problem. Two problems, actually, in two different classes. In AP Psych we're compiling playlists of songs that remind us of important events in our lives. One of my events is meeting my first major, super-important crush. But we also have to write a paragraph about each song that goes in detail about the memory associated with it. This is where my problem begins...I didn't write on my playlist that my crush was, in fact, a girl.
Yes, it's a bit early for that. But I bought a carton of it anyway. And it is soooooo gooooood.
Not much to report here, but I'm in an unusual journaling mood. Let's see...Been catching up on my soaps lately. Yes, I watch soap operas. Mostly The Young and the Restless, but also The Bold and the Beautiful. Sure it's super cheesy and unrealistic, but some of the actors and actresses are so talented. Some scenes have made me tear up a bit. Okay, maybe a lot. Don't judge me.
Thanksgiving wasn't much fun. In fact, it was horrible. It made me realize that I do not belong in my family. I am the black sheep of my mom's side of the family (hence the title of this here journal).