Well due to rather negative reaction on the last journal, I decided to start again fresh, in simpler terms. Here's the deal:
I have a substance abuse problem
I'm having trouble coming to terms with quitting, permanently
I tend to express my emotions co dependently
I make excuses, not gonna lie.
I'm struggling to escape an abusive past.
My lack of determination is holding me back.
I'm so excited :DD AND New York passed the gay marriage bill :) Proud to be Gay and a New Yorker
Like I said, this song describes me :DD
Lol hope people see the humor in that xD. Good day btw. I smoked cat nip xD. It's actually a stimulant sooo yeah :) Plus it tasted and smelled JUST like pot :DD. So yeah. K shalom bye
Woooooah I haven't written in a long time. Well, at least I think. I don't even know what day it is. Anywho I don't really know where I stand in life as of now. I'm in this almost duo existence of happy, outgoing, and carefree, and manic, depressed, and introverted. I've never really had both at the same time before.. so it has been a bit of a challenge trying to figure everything out. I'm not smoking or doping all that much anymore, but I have been drinking A LOT lately, which is a problem I need to fix. The last post I made was really hard to even comprehend.
Relapsed. Family In Shambles. Back In Therapy. I'm Not Dead.
So frustrated lately, everyone's been so fucking disrespectful and they aren't treating me like they should. God Damn how many times do I have to tell the, I'm a pretty nice guy, but don't fucking cross me. And still people try to walk all over me! Are these people for fucking real?? Do I have to scream in your face for you to fucking get it?? I'm in a real delicate fucking state right now.
Neon Jesus. I think. I like it. Idk there's something about that idea that's so freaking awesome. Immean it's Jesus and he's NEOOON. It's beautiful, actually it's perfect. Then we put Neon Jesus in a dive bar. We'll call it Sodom and Gomorrah. And the cocktail of choice: A Bloody Mary of course. See what I mean, Neon Jesus is amazing :D Lol don't ask me how the fuck I just came up with this xD Being soberr is doin weird tricks on my mind. I've been obsessed with anything involving Hijabs, Electricity, Crazy Ass Colors, Jesus, Beards, Mustaches, Muscles, and Hair Dye.
Funnnnn memorial day weekend indeed. All clean, full of hiking through the Texas Hill Country, Tanning, Running, and just a wee bit of "Promiscuo Actividad" ;D Hit up this town called Bandera, and was the hottest thing to hit that town since 1978. Banana Republic top, True Religion jeans, Guess shades, lookin fly ;D Wow excessively vain moment right there, ah well ever since I got sober I've been feeling really good about myself, which is really nice. I've always been terribly self conscious about my looks, so it's nice to be able to be confident for a change.
Idk why the fuck why, but I wanted to write some poetry shit so here it goes:
Slate white marble, contorted into a pedestal
Where the martyrs soul stands
Alone, in the altar of the mutilated.
As the stigmatas of the hands deepen,
and the rich crimson blood falls to the cold stone ground,
the soul rips into two, and the cords of it's spirit split.
The energy cascades into the empty space above,
and ascends to the gates of Heaven, only to find the gates closed,
and the angels hostile.
Meeeeeh wtf dude it's like 2 a.m. ugh bed. Bubye :p
I'm clean. I feel the happiest I've been in 6 months. Everything is so clear and blazing in my memory, and I don't have to hide from my family and friends anymore. I can think sharper than before, I can speak with articulacy. My skins clearing up, my eyes are brighter, my hair is blonder, and I feel beautiful again. Something I haven't felt... ever really. I can't believe I ever even thought of doing drugs...life is so much better. It's easier, less stressful, and just plain better. I'm passing all my drug tests, and I don't have to worry about random bag checks at school anymore.
I'm pathetic. A waste of space, sperm, and egg. Nobody wants me, and nobody would ever truly want to love me. Everything's fallen apart, my mind in a constant hurricane of emotion. Like a house on fire, all the dreams, memories, and happiness just being swept away before your very eyes. It's sheer pain, watching everything and everyone you loved turn their back on you, and walk off. Leaving you for someone better, someone happier and more beautiful. I don't think anyone can see the beauty inside of me but myself. I've built so many walls that I just come of as nasty, and cruel.
Soooo I went to my first leather bar... and fucking loved it. Omg, I never knew about these bars. Like I have seriously been missing out, holy shit. All these hot, able bodied men walking around in those sexy ass bondage outfits. I'm totally into this, like big time :D. Is it horrible I'm already going to bars at 15? Probably is... but who gives a fuck? I certainly don't xD. Hell I'm not even a cub in the Bear bars, I'm like a freaking fetus I'm so underage.
Ohhh my lordy Moses. Houston boys are fine as fuck. Damn it was so nice to be an urban setting again, even if it was only for a day and a half. There's so much activity and diversity going around. Different races, different cultures, different ethnicities, and just different kinds of people in general. And the best part, the black guys. Oh yes, the total white cracker here has some serious yearnin' for some brown sugar xD. I don't know why either, its just the way dark skin looks I guess. It's so rich and beautiful, my god it just drives me crazy.
Fucking suburban assholes, god damn when will they ever leave me the fuck alone?? A bunch of prep, jock asswhipes decided to start to harass me today, for absolutely no reason. And they didn't do it to my face, they did like 150 feet away, on the other side of the fucking lake. W.T.F. And the best part is when Vanessa, my 5'2, 105 pound friend, started to walk over, they all started walking away like the pussies they really are. And then when I throw down my shit and start walkin' over, they really start moving.
I though maybe one last time.... maybe just one last go at it before I stop.... It won't do anything bad, it'll be harmless fun..... I nearly killed myself. I broke out in hives, red all over, itching all over my body, heart racing.... fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I could have easily taken the second bottle I had just in the heat of the moment and really overdosed.... Goddamn... Just the thought of the word Delsym or Overdose makes me get nauseous. Not only did I completely screw up the fact that I promised myself that I would clean up two days into it, I almost fucking killed myself.