How do we read? -- "To learn about new things!" - I'm sure someone is thinking that right now. It's true: we do read to learn, but that's not the question. My english literature class is the toughest subject I'm dealing with this year even though I'm passing with a B. (It's an AP class by the way, which makes me a smart answer.) The teacher warned us to prepare for the wild ride. Unfortunately I'm hanging on the door of the car and it won't stop.

Dressing up for halloween isn't easy; especially when wearing face paint. And that's how it was for me. I dressed up as a mime along with two of my friends. We called ourselves the mime gang, or more sophisticated the mime troupe. It was really fun though we weren't entered into the contest which we thought we'd win. But it's alright.

I was watching an old Woody Allen movie and in the end he talks about how relationships are absurd and we keep going after them even though it usually ends with heartbreak. But he thinks it's because we want the eggs. And I agree. Since I've never been in a relationship I assume it's mostly taking by both people. Also I happen to think that we just use each other in relationships to save ourselves from loneliness and misery. What I'm trying to get at is we shouldn't take them seriously unless it's actual love which only 10% of people experience based on a study I just made up.

Well, well it's the season to apply for colleges! Woohoo! Finally I can escape my crappy life, or at least try to. One of the problems is I have to brag about my accomplishments, goals, etc. Thing is, I can only brag about being alive after several suicide attempts... So for now I shall try thinking positively, though I might not do so good.

I think I'm understanding an aspect of absurdism or what absurdism almost means. Granted I am still unfamiliar with certain parts of it, but bear with me. For instance it's absurd to search for the meaning of life because there is no meaning. There never will be. Seeking the meaning of life only results in subjective conclusions yet many believe life has a meaning even when they can't find it. That's absurd.

Will write a journal in a few days, if anyone cares.

Allow me to tell you a story that happened a few days ago.

A day ago, I can't remember when, I found a white hair strand next to my thick black hair. After scrambling to find it I pluck it out even though I've been told it's a no-no because it will grow back or more will grow. Whichever sounds more frightening. As for having found it, I'm not surprised. For as long as I can remember I've usually been a nervous person that is prone to breakdowns. This month it's been only one which is essentially a good thing. And it was only for a minor altercation between mama and I. It ain't as bad as you'd think. To be honest, I had it coming.

Hello everyone I am back after my self exile. I kid, I've just been busy with school work, working on getting excellent grades. That's an excellent goal I have. Anyway since I don't have much to write I thought I'd share my very first act I've wrote all by myself. The title is the title of this journal entry. I wrote it for a contest in my english class. We had to write an act about books and I did this piece. I won third place. The person who won first wrote about a girl character who read books that took her to different worlds and she learned morals and all that nonsense.

Months ago I sat down in the living room with mama to watch a movie that starred Robert De Niro. The movie was called Taxi Driver, maybe you’ve heard of it, and the only reason I wanted to see it was because it had Mr. De Niro in it. All I knew then was that he was a good actor so the movie must be good too. I had no idea what it was going to be about which is why I didn’t know what was in store for mama and I.

Contrary to rumor, I haven't committed suicide yet and I'm very alive. I'm so alive that I decided to write on what has been going on in my life.

Well I'm just going to say that I'm starting my photography classes on tuesday. It'll be in downtown Los Angeles. Don't worry: I'll be carrying a small pocket knife and a big baseball bat. You can imagine how excited I am for that. And if you can't, well I'm as excited as a person about to finish driving school.

It's been some time since I've posted here and it's mostly because I can't write without willingness. Not much has happened and I still feel more awful everyday.

Well, I might start off by saying hello to all, though it doesn't matter how I start. It doesn't matter if anyone says hello back.

In english class I've been reading The Stranger and I read an essay by Sartre on existentialism. At first sight I didn't make much sense to me, except for the part about wanting everyone to think like you. Now, I like that. I want everyone to think like me. I'll explain.

I don't have any friends. Well, I have only one person I consider a friend, but I don't trust that person. I like to call myself a "drifter." I'll be seen talking to sorts of people and I hop like a frog too, and I take no interest in what they say. I only care about what I have to say and I have to carefully structure it so that people don't try to take advantage of me nor make me look stupid. And to be honest, I didn't think I was depressed anymore but then something weird happened last night.

I've been feeling lonely these past few weeks and I think I'm headed back to my severe depression. I did make some progress like get my grades on track and talk to people nicely but now I feel worse. What's worse is that my so-called friends ignore me now. They are two, I trusted one the most; I told her few of my problems (I rarely speak about myself) and now we are in a cold war, waiting for the next move.

So today on facebook some girl I knew in elementary school has become god weird. She wrote (excuse her spelling): "Many ppl have asked me : prove to me that God is real.