So my last few journal entries have been about me being depressed and what not. I'd love to say it's getting better, and some days i feel like it is...but as of right now, I just feel lost in life...and alone in life. I'm in the middle of a big change as I'll be re-entering school in the fall, and it's making me look at myself and how i want to be viewed and how I want to act, which is to be myself. This means telling people I'm gay. However...it is so hard to even fathom me telling my friends let alone my family. In terms of where to say it, how to say it, how to start saying it.
So i haven't posted on here in a loong time, but thats because i've been having a very interesting, hard year, and as tough as it'll be, theres a big part of me that just wants to come out (which i know will only add to the stress). I'm so tired of pushing these feelings away...it makes me feel numb and without emotion. I also eventually would love to have a relationship...but i cant be in an open one unless i came out.
So i haven't posted anything in a while and a lot has changed for me. But i'm not sure, if i'd say its changed for the better.
I had started University in September, and although i had high hopes of making a lot of great friends, coming out and letting people know i may be bi or even gay, nothing happened.
So it's the first week of school at my university, and there are a a bunch of activities every day to go to. I noticed there was a movie being played in one of the buildings and it was run by the gay club at my school. i really wanted to go and watch it and be a part of it...you know, meet some people who are bi like me or gay etc. So i left my residence and walked all the way there..but when i got to the front door i couldn't do it. I walked away and then tried again but something was pulling me back and i'm so frustrated with myself because i really wanted to do it.
So this is my first Journal entry..and i just had the need to write one. Mostly because i had a sudden urge to write and talk about how tomorrow i leave home for University.
This is the first time in my life i'll be leaving home for a longer period than three days. So i'm pretty nervous but also unbelievably excited! The problem is, i don't really know how i'm going to fit in. But i know i shouldn't worry because once i get there..it'll all be great. I also think i'm just even more stressed because my mom is constantly packing and asking me stuff. Once i'm there i can just relax.