angel syndrome's picture

cycle surmised

i got onto this site some 4-5 odd years ago
i feel like a cycle of my own life is ending and a new one is beginning
one without guys with criminal records
or bedbugs
or problems i can't keep up with

a few days the guy who groomed me when i was sixteen
found me
he says you deserve someone to love you you're so pure
you're a fucking cherub
i said i'm not a baby anymore
you can't buy me with those kind of words
you're just an insect

me ex comes up to me and says some shit like
they started a meth lab they want me to sell
he says he called the cops,

angel syndrome's picture

2am rant/illumination

questions i've been asked within 10-15 minutes of meeting a straight person:

when did i first want to fuck men
what i do in bed
what i did first in bed
how did i lose my virginity
who i fucked first
who fucked me first
how old they were
do i wear condoms
do i have aids
how do i feel about aids
what kind of porn do i watch
what kind of porn have i watched
when i fucked girls did i like it
was my father around when i was a child
is that why i got fucked by older men as a teenager
is that why i date a recovering heroin addict

angel syndrome's picture

tired but happy

been crazy busy lately

finals
giving a lecture
getting into performance art
modelling for magazines and art films
getting hired as editor for my school's undergraduate academic journal
networking and building contacts

i'm exhausted
but exhilarated

i love performing and modelling
(independently/word-of-mouth for art-oriented projects, no commercial work, so i don't have the pressures of a commercial agency)

it's really helped me to overcome some of my feelings about my body

angel syndrome's picture

2

(check prior journals.. tw: rape.. this was very hard for me to write but did so in one shot with zero editing.. )

I've previously written about how lacks of representation in the public sphere has ended up harming young queer individuals, fostering a sentiment of isolation. Once I was first exposed to a possibility that this isolation might be broken at sixteen, I suppose it was almost natural that I tie myself down to the same possibility, no matter how much it ended up hurting me in the long run.

angel syndrome's picture

a long journal that's actually kind of a journal, but more of a letter, and also mostly an essay

Following a heated argument with my mother, I've decided to write a series of letters to her about my experience as a queer individual. If, or when, I choose to give them to her, I hope to resolve some of the disputes we've had over sexuality, gender, and identity, while fostering honest communication.

This letter is one of four. It's an introduction where I try to explain to my mother why I am the way I am, explaining larger concepts like heteronormativity and how they affected me as a young teenager, and continue to affect me today. It's got a lot of academic jargon - sorry. I promise the rest won't be like that, and won't be as long. And it's got

The second will relate the events recorded on an earlier Oasis account ('Magic Fantastic', for those who might still remember): coming out, what I now know to be sexual abuse, and its aftermath. The third letter is about summer 2012, the rave scene, pretending to belong. The fourth letter will be about my current relationship, overcoming addiction.

This is also a writing project specifically for Oasis. With the site closing later this year, I wanted to, at least once, give a full, honest, self-reflexive overview of my late teens and first year of twenty-dom which I've been sharing on this website, because I shared everything through (mostly bad) metaphors, and I feel like I owe it to you guys for all the support and confidence you all gave me in myself and my writing.

After these four texts, I'm going to leave with a last text about Oasis and why it's been important to me.. and maybe write a little bit about my friendship with Jeff, if he's okay with it, because I never shared anything on here about it, and he's been really important in my life. After that, I guess we'll all be 'leaving Oasis' for the last time... ;)

____________________

angel syndrome's picture

oh yeah

plot twist: i now live in a 2-story penthouse loft lol

angel syndrome's picture

sorry for my soul

maybe we could get married under a streetlight in heaven & see if all the angels in heaven will burn when we kiss, but i'd fall in and out of love with you before the traffic light changed colors: tonight i kneeled before my bed and said our father in french and said thank you for everything and please keep helping it's 2:03am and i'm alone again, i know i wanted this, i didn't want to be the one he couldn't keep warm anymore and i'm sorry for still being so cold

angel syndrome's picture

performance instructions #1

1) you are naked except for a blindfold
2) the artist hands you a piece of chalk
3) the artist draws on your back
4) through my sense of touch, you try to imitate the lines she is drawing with the chalk on a concrete floor
5) she tries to create something beautiful, something you cannot see
6) the artist struggles, begins to force me into the act of creation - you do not see this world, yet are entirely under her will

[...] you both try

7) forty-five minutes later, the blindfold is removed, you am bleeding from being dragged across the floor, everything is grey, white and red

angel syndrome's picture

soon to be alone with my plants

i'm leaving town a week from now: every 'i love you' is just more gasoline on your burnout dreams

i've found the chance to start a new life
and never look back
on this fucking nightmare

i'm taking it & i hope you won't die again

i hope you know
i really did love you more than all of them
even when you were sick
and especially because you were sick: i see that now
and i'm sorry i fooled myself
into fooling you
that i could offer something more

i'm sorry i don't have more steel inside me

(no one will even know i'm leaving until the day of, sorry everyone)

angel syndrome's picture

december 25th - angel syndrome

it's christmas and i'm all alone with my mother's medicine cabinet
& it's not that i'm lonely just that
i don't know

am i ever going to fall in love again?
am i ever going to kiss someone for the first time again?
will my heart ever race again - "does he like me?"

and it's not that i don't love him, in his now-unbruised arms,
i just want to be a boy again, just once,
i want to be naive, shy, uncertain, again
i want to feel like
everything is the
first
time

(... and none of the drugs ever made me feel that)

i'm so sorry

angel syndrome's picture

events, september

my father says sorry; his own passed away last sunday

i cry because there are needles in the gutter close to school; i read scar tissue by anthony kiedis, because i've always romanticized desperate people despite knowing the reality of it

it's my sister's birthday and i make crystal necklaces, one for her, one for me

my boyfriend and i fight over magic the gathering and dirty dishes; we fuck violently

i spend the night alone in my parents' house, my first night alone in three months; i slip into my mother's medicine cabinet

angel syndrome's picture

dream sept 8th 2013

drugs are an ongoing car and i've been a stunned deer for months, staring into the headlights, waiting for impact, for the fears to be real, your deaths, your leavings, your ends,

i watch you
in the passenger seat
smiling at my crushed bones
the car falls off the road

your father('s god) claims your death
they'll take your body and force it
into the grave
which already has your name on it

i'll always be
in the middle
of the road

angel syndrome's picture

soon you will be leaving your man

angel syndrome's picture

events of june and july

i go to the bookstore
and buy books about jim morrison
& patti smith

i romanticize the 70s writers
and what new york
once was

i ask the owner if i can look at the book
in the display
about barbara kruger
(no, only if you buy it
it's 40$)
i don't dare ask about the rothko book
because it's priced at one-fifty

i get arrested for shoplifting
a paul smith sweater
in a department store
i sit sweating & sick with shingles
in the back room
(the doctor made me take codeine
for the pain)

the police officer asks me
what i am learning at school

angel syndrome's picture

a text on nothing

i would just like to be quiet with someone who understands the ways of why i can't continue right now, i feel so anchored to something which wants to keep me unwell. how do you cope with such a strange and frightening body? i hate it, i hate it! i don't want to take too-many medicines. i don't want to be afraid of turning the page.

i need to believe in love like some people believe in faerie-tales but more often than not i find myself even more alone within it. i wish you could visit me more often, i can't stand waiting in this springtime.

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