I dream a little bit about the chance of seeing you, what I would say and what you would. This anguish is terrible, yes, but exhilarating, pornographic almost. It is something and it is real, visceral.
Sometimes I am filled with moments of great clarity, where things make sense. Then others I am unable to move forward.
And I think:
However, the importance lies not in the fall but in the landing.
(so back to daydreams...)
(For those who are interested, I came across a whole bunch of photos that I hadn't touched yet - I'm editing them all and putting them on my portfolio/visual diary Tumblr. Link is on my user page.)
need a band-aid for my soul
cover the leaks with tape
ignore the problem and maybe it will go away.
i wish i could go away.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
(When you feel like dying everyone says that you should tell someone. Anyone. I went to the only person I thought I could trust 100%, to someone who I thought might be able to understand.
"If that's really how you feel, then just fucking do it."
this speed could mean death
but i'll be in the sky
but i'll be in the sea
i'll be in that line on the horizon
in that space between
blue and green
in a child's crayola drawing
the truth is that sometimes, when someone close hurts you, you don't want any mending.
you stole me and he stole you and we're all walking around in skin that isn't ours with voices that don't match and saying words we don't even mean with smiles that are
a piece of me here
and some there.
they don't add up to anything whole, though
i am too busy dreaming.
too busy filling the holes everywhere else
while mine stay empty
(pen-pals - sending stuff next monday)
milk to make my teeth strong
milk to make my bones strong
milk in my blood
milk in my coffee
milk in my tea
teething and frail
mother could come but
daddy knows best
I have been sleeping a lot, and it is good for me. Sleep enables freedom from reality, I suppose.
My sister has just left for half a year to study in an exchange. I'm happy for her but I'll miss her.
Romantic life... My ex and I oscillate between being together and not, and he doesn't treat me the way I should be, but we love each other so it is hard to say goodbye. But it's all I have left to say.
I'm nervous for university applications. I am not ready for them.
blessed black in a pool of opiate dreams,
who wants to be my pen-pal?
i will send you things in the mail and write poems for you and you can do the same for me.
send me a private message.
if you don't know what my former username is don't reply.
i don't want to watch my heart grow old
i don't want to sit on the dark side of the moon
i don't want to walk through broken glass,
you walked into my heart, velvet-footed
i was tongue-tied and you, too bright but eclipsed
playing hide and seek with a moon and some stars.
discourse on my depression
("do you want to die?"
"i don't particularly right now, but i'm sad today."
"that's comforting, i guess."
"maybe i should have a burger, i think it's harder to be sad with a burger. what do you think?"
"i think it's stupid to be sad because you don't have a burger"
"do you want to go to McDonalds?")
pagan angels made of wax and twigs
burnt out matches for stars
(they shine only because they're very far away
and really, they're dead by now)
saccharine snow and cigarette ash
pagan angels and borrowed cars
pagan angels and your body on the hardwood floor, beauty breathing
pagan angels and frosty breath.
pagan angels to bring me into the new year and to burn what is left.
(being ready, slowly, slowly...
but it is much harder when you are loved.
it is much harder when you are missed.)
happy new year everyone + best wishes
be kind to others + to yourselves
butterfly, i like the way you wear your wings
the way they beat
and echo my own heart.
("what, or whom i was loving,
or what in me was loving, i do not know."
but i loved and that is the important part, no?)