well i use the term lightly as im not sure how but the topic of emotional health, which came to me saying my [emotional health] wasn't that healthy, which lead to an awkward conversation of the little problems in my life which lead to what causes alot of stress on me which eventually to me saying "imagine your 15 and in my shoes" which dad then guess repeatedly.
not much today,
other than doing maths revision, watching a movie, made in Dagenham & work on my latin investigation
some random guy who somehow knows my full name, asked me about my name as all 3 of my names come from different nations
Blair's Scottish, Valente's Portuguese and O'Connor's Irish
although i do have both a Scottish and Irish history, McClain & O'Connor
because i was bored i searched the meaning of my name turns out im:
Field Strong Wise Hound Lover
or i prefer Meadow Healthy Strong Willed
meh im board right now blarg :L
seriously how sick do you have to be to let some boy or girl be bullied to the point of suicide and let it happen?
this is one of the reasons i actually didn't kill myself, knowing something i strongly oppose would use my death as a weapon for there own cause.
WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU REPLIED YET!
dam hate Tuesdays well to be true hate everyday except Saturdays
first 3 periods were with the same teacher, single latin where i had to write a investigation on chariot racing, then double classics where what a shock had to do a different investigation, latins ok gives me a chance to be calm, quiet and think to myself. the class and the subject itself isn't that bad i guess.
but fucking classics its like WW2 every lesson first parts just the computer room bleh just this one fucking homophobe who mocks every GBT in existence but, again what a shock loves lesbians.
somebody on facebook was taking about something that happened back in P7, its a funny story but i can remember next to nothing from S2 down thats 2 years ago my memory just draws a blank i remember about 10 max, moments from under 13, 10 moments god brain like your not bad enough at short term now your long term? darn you internal hardware!
Y U NO UP TO CODE? my only hope is i forget everything and theres just a big red button on my head saying "press to restore factory settings" -_-
since i haven't done one in a while a poem, Manufactured Dreams:
i talk all the talk in a poets style
i didn't actually send the email, hotmail keeps saying im just spaming and isn't sending the message god i hate you hotmail. its sent now i feel a little better now
i know fridays are meant to be good and all but :L i dont feel it my home life is FUCKING TERRIBLE since its a half day its just more time at home (3 hours 55 mins to be exact) school sucks...
first period is just maths revision for the final exams with about a month or so to go before them.
2nd & 3rd period are just core subjects so no exam for them :),
i was ready to send the email to Josh but dam Gmail,
Y U NO COMBATABLE WITH HOTMAIL!
making a hotmail email now but yet requires post code -_-
i got EH41 dam thou bad memory!
ill be one of those people when all you can use is chip & pin, all i have is 4 can i have a quarter of my food?.
god had to ask facebook, my friends know more about my house than i do, lifes confusing
so anyway i got a hotmail account and sent him the message just a few minutes ago, god im nervous
i just had the first good dream ive had in over a year it was beautiful i forgot what beauty was, the good voices treated me :')
the evil voices are gone and shall not be back no mercy was shown, the good voices didn't see or hear a thing :)
i came out to my best friend today, he took it really well like it wasn't important or something that would change me, i only fear that he was joking but i doubt it.
i think ill just be blunt to the rest my friends about my sexuality when i come out since it worked out well with the 2 Ive already came out to.
but the evil voices are nearly all gone :) but begging for mercy wonder if i should give them any they never gave me any but i want to be better than them i don't know yet. actually what do you think i should do?
you know whats odd? the fact that i came out to what the good voices said was a friend and told him i was bi he took it really well like he knew it wouldn't change our friendship or me, but yet it seems harder to come out to my other friends not even my best friend, odd right?
From the moment i woke up today
i felt something was off
i wondered what
the voices have not acknowledged my awakening yet
with there evil yet comforting demonic voices
i asked why
they said no reason
i sensed a little fear in they're tone
but in my head zone
they're in charge
when i looked in my head
when i looked in the mirror
when i looked in my dreams
i saw the something odd
something i haven't seen in quite a while
something i thought i wouldn't see again
a little light
nothing more than a glimmer
i haven't seen one i quite a while but yet
Maybe One Day:
maybe one day ill be free
maybe one day ill be happy
maybe one day ill be loved and care for
maybe one day ill be accepted
maybe one day ill be able to say hello without fear
maybe its all in my head
the voices say these can happen
but only if i do what they say
the tell me to do such horrible things
but yet i wonder if there right
im able to resist but for how much longer
the voices say they know me
and can make me very happy
but when i argue
there so mean to me
the say im being bad
when im being good
i only want them gone
i was having a bad day knowing that tomorrow ill be back at mums house, back in hell but after i posted Voices elph cheered me up and called me talented thats genuinely the nicest thing that anyone ever said to me. thank you elph i owe you everything i have. i genuinely cried of happiness because of that thank you elph thank you.
because of this i made another one called i wake up its much longer:
All around me are people who don't care
people who never cared
and people who will never care
people never liked me
i find it kinda funny
i find it kinda odd
i hear voices in my head
they keep telling me they understand
they talk to me
they talk to me
i tell them no they tell me yes
they tell me to do such horrible things
to burn to kill to steal
i hear voices in my head
they're all so evil
but yet they are the nicest to me
they were once good
but not again
i want them gone they stay longer
i hear voices in my head
they say they can help
but they cant
they say they can stop the hurt
but they bring pain
they say they are my friends
but they're more like enemies
they say they are the only things that know me