I have so many things to say, but I don't know like where to start, everything in my head is a big mess right now, and being sleepy doesn't help at all.
School is seriously going to kill me, I'm full of work and I'm way too stupid to do it the day they assign it, plus midterms are really hard and I need to write an autobiography and I don't want to do it specially because I need to mention the events that changed me and I don't know if I should write about my depression, but I don't know who I would be right now if I didn't suffer from all the shit in my life and seriously fuck the guy who said that 11th grade is easy and you don't do anything.
So today we had a BBQ at some friends house with all my classmates and I eventually ended up at some friends house with my best friend and got talking about stuff for like two hours until we felt like going back there, but I got really drunk plus I hadn't eaten anything; after like there's shots of aguardiente I was already tipsy and then I took some more and mixed with whiskey so I got drunk really fast.
Here's a little resume of my boring life.
I could say summer was kinda good, but mostly boring; I didn't go out, mostly went to bed at 6am and my parents woke me up at 12 so I wouldn't "waste" my day. I had to visit my grandma, stayed with her for a week, my brother came and it was awesome, Christmas sucked, the only gifts I got were from my siblings, cousins got me drunk on New Year's Eve and it was nice (specially in the morning when I woke up without a hangover) and that was mostly all I did.
It's been two years since I created this account, and it's been incredible all the stuff that this two years have brought me, I still remember the night when I created, my depression, Nico, my school problems, being a new kid, the bitch of my old psychologist and many other things. It makes me sad that next year I won't be able to write here and whine about life.
My life is still a complete mess and everything is confusing me.
I finally got my license, my parents are still afraid to let me drive alone, it's understandable, but last Monday my parents finally did and I was really nervous and it was ok, but there's something weird and it's that when I drive, I mostly space out, get lost inside my head and it takes a while to realize what I'm doing.
Today after I got home from school, I got a message from Nico's girlfriend saying if she could ask me something, my first guess was about what had happened with Nico last year when she replied saying that she's making an interview about the LGBT community, she sent my some text saying some things about how hard is being homosexual in some countries and the support that we get from friends or the hate we get and more stuff, then she just asks me if I'm gay, my typical reply was a typical no and then she's says that she already knows and that it's ok, I was about to die and my nerves were killin
On Tuesday I arrived a little late to school at night, I couldn't find my bets friend until someone told me that he was totally drunk in my classroom, I went to visit him and he was laying on the ground, when I got into the classroom he got up and gave me a huge hug and told me that loved me a lot, after that he told me how he got drunk and had the brilliant idea to sneak out of school and visit some friend that lives near my school, he made me jump some fence and I had to hold his hand so he wouldn't go sprinting and in some moments I had to grab him by the waist, at my friends house he got w
I think it'll be kinda confusing and it's because my mind is rushing and can't stop thinking so here goes the crap:
This month has been mostly a hell, the first week of it I was really depressed and my parents made things worse, I tried to kill myself twice, I made more cuts and my birthday really sucked, I spent all day holding tears at school, faking smiles and lying to my parents saying to them that I had a good day and that I was really tired, I actually cried all night at home and thought a lot of suicide and why I had failed last time (2 days before); some times I get some little euphoric or maniac episodes and after they're gone I feel worse.
The Colombian congress is debating about approving gay marriage and it seems that it will be approved (I hope so!). I never thought that here something like that would be approved or even debated because we are a religious, mostly conservative country, but things are getting better.
Yesterday was horrible.
I missed my chance with death, I had the razor going down on my wrists, blinded by emotions, tears streaming down my face and my fucking brain told me to not do it tonight just because today my aunt had her birthday. Typical from me, missing my chances with good things just to make people happy. Anyways I made a tiny cut that will be hard to cover and another 10 that I'll have to explain in 2 weeks if they don't heal fast. I'm fucked up.
This day and last week had been so good (except my suicide night).
Last night I went to a party and it was awesome. I was the first one to arrive so it was awkward until one of my best friends came and then Nico came, I got nervous and felt awkward until I went to another table. Everything was great and then the bar started giving shots, I drank one, then my friends gave me more and I got tipsy and I started talking to many people and started hugging them (Nico was one of them). My best friend and I got the cute stare that is like "You're such a cute couple" and gossip spread.
Things have been really awkward lately.
3 days after Christmas there was this guy at the beach (he was like 30) that started talking to me and apparently he was hitting on me and I was to stupid to not realize it and my mom made him go giving him a death glare.