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When a Childhood Hero Lets You Down

He was my director the first time I was in a play. His Elmo impression was infamous amongst the younger actors, and he was always ready with a hug or high-five for those who needed it. this was a man who I admired, looked up to. I even loved him, because he was a part of the theatre that was also my home.
I knew him for ten years, though the last few years we saw each other less. Then today my director came to ask me how long I had been friends with him on Facebook. The questions kept coming, and finally I had to ask.
"Is something wrong?"

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Baby Steps

I just bought a rainbow bracelet, one of those big rubber ones. Maybe not the best way of coming out, but I figure if I wear it my gayety will just kind of seep into the general conciousness.

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Sappho, Hephaestion, Aspasia, Cynisca and Mr. Rahlfs

Mr. Rahlfs says that there were no famous or influential women in acient Greece. He also thinks Alexander had sex with a bunch of women. Well, my good friends Sappho (Lesbian poet), Aspasia (Athenian wise woman), and Cynisca (Spartan horsebreeder, 1st female Olympic winner) disprove his first point, and Hephaestion (Alexander's BFF, 2nd in command & BF) pretty much shames him and the public school system.

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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Sometimes I want to just walk up to someone and say "Hi, how are you? Lovely weather, just exquisite rain we're having. Do we have homework in composition? And by the way, I'm queer."
I wouldn't even stop to see thier reaction, just walk away.
I had a dream last night that Oasis was a lunch table and this girl just walked up and started hitting on me. She was ridiculously hot but I just sat there and bit my lip like I always do.

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Butterfly

She looks around the room, wide-eyed. Her short hair shifts and its snow-white strands flutter back to where they were, settling perfectly around her soft face.
I follow her home from school on accident--I didn't realize she came this way. I stay paces behind, just far enough behind so that I don't scare her away. Her blue eyes are so wide, doe-like, that I'm wary of frightening her. Suddenly she veers off the path, stepping off the long line of gravel and into the thin stipe of woods that runs along next to the road. I blink, and she's gone--vanished, where I don't know.

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I Came Out!

...But not in the way I expected.
I went to the cast party at Red Robin's today & I ended up sitting with a boy I mentioned earlier in one of my journals. I know that he's trans (I knew him as a girl first) and he mentioned that he had a lot of friends on the internet and I said, "Have you ever been on Oasis? It's this writing place for queer people; I'm on there a lot..."

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Keeping Me a Secret

As the title may suggest, I've just finished reading "Keeping You a Secret." I checked it out from the schoo library earlier and read it all through rehearsal. The author described my fear so perfectly that 1/2 the book might just as well have been me.
I'm going to come out. No BS this time. I'm going to go one person at a time, and one day maybe I'll find there's no one left.

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Christmas in the Closet And Other Tales

So I'll be spending Christmas very, very far back in the closet. Yup, it's Holidays at the W's, with conservative talk carols playing and Republicans gleaming beneath the Christmas tree.
Apparently I can't safely come out to anyone on the W side. Except Aunt L & Uncle R, but they're only 2/13 of the family. Grandma & Grandpa are conservative republican Polish Roman Catholics & the rest of the family is Jewish, Christian or my parents (who told me not to tell anyone). I would consider coming out to my cousin, but if she's a homophobe then sharing a room could be awkward.....

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She's Back!

Hey, y'all, I'm back from Canada. It was my (belated) birthday present from my mom, so we went shopping & stuff. I took my mom to the F21 Grande Opening in Vancouver where I got a cute mod dress in black & pink & a blue skirt. We also went to Zara, where I got a much-needed winter coat.

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Nobody wants me

None of my teachers remember my name. They call me Maddie & I've told them since registration that my name is M-A-D-E-L-E-I-N-E Ma-duh-LIN!!!
My history partner leans around me to talk about things like "Did you see her knockers on Skype last night?" to his friend all period.
My theatre group decides on games w/out me, then G informs me that "Well, the people over HERE wanted this..." when I make suggestions, and the "nice" openly gay boy I wanted to be friends w/ makes fun of me for making my own costume (btw, look who's talking, Mr. Perm!).

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happenings

1. yesterday in biology Z, Rt & I were writing down the answers to some questions together when I realized I had forgotten the new vocabulary words.
"What are those micro-pores again?" I asked, frowning.
"Soulmates," Z said, looking right at me. My heart literally stopped beating and I stared at him completely uncomprehending.
"What?!" I could barely keep my voice from shaking in surprise.
"Stomates," he repeated.
"Oh."
2. Today in rehearsal A, E, & I were sitting (S was nearby but not really w/ us) and talking. I perched on A's lap & E was at our feet, stretched out like a cat.

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Zale

We play our games
You tell your puns and
Tell me I'm weird
But in a cute way
When I catch you watching me writing the minutes till the end of class
And then I keep going to keep you watching
And you insist on banter
But you don't know what you're getting into, honey
Because this is a girl who goes home to the mirror to see what she looked like when she smiled at you
But I want to know what boy you are
With your frisbee club
And the way you agreed to my dancing offer
I want to know what kind of boy
Wants to know what kind of girl I am

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birthday haul

...a pretty good one, actually. At last count here is my inventory for the year:
1 mini fridge, drinks included
--Mom & Dad
1 super cushy bathroom rug
--Mom
1 colorchanging Sonic Screwdriver pen (green & black)
--Dad
1 Van Gogh exploding TARDIS tee
--Dad
1 Doctor Who noisemaking backpack clip
--Dad
Fuzzy PJ set w/ socks
--Mom
1 peacock-colored flashlight
--Mom
2 books (The Playwrite's Workout & Fly Trap, a sequel to my favorite children's book)
--Dad
2 giftcards ($50 A&F; $100 F21)
--Nanna & Papa Jim (grandparents); Mom & Dad
1 check ($50)
--Gma & Gpa W.

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My dedication is admired

"Well, you guys all know we've been debating some different ideas for the Spring musical, and MaddieJoy here has one with some characters you might know...MaddieJoy? Go ahead."
I stood, straightened my lucky shirt, and smiled, walking in front of the stage to face the 14 glassy-eyed students who stared down at me.
"Hi, I'm MaddieJoy, some of you might know me from theatre class..." I spent the next five minutes giving them all the information I could think of pertaining to my rather unorthodox idea.
"What's Buffy the Vampire Slayer?"

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In which I do not get a surprise party or a dog

My dad took me on a ridiculously long walk toward my theatre the other day. We were going to go through the Stepford neighborhood, but instead he suddenly turned in a different direction and we just kept walking until I realized we were nearing the theatre. Suddenly I could feel my mind racing as I remembered the plans for a Hunger Games-themed Laser Tag party I had had to give up...and just as we were about to arrive at the birthday party of my dreams we veered off the path into the woods and got totally lost for 1/2 an hour.

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