I don't really know where to start with this, but I've been doing some thinking about him, going on some walks alone. Ever since around September of last year, I've been getting really negative feelings about and because of him, and I've just been wqlkig them off.
I've been dreaming about consuming Psilocybin mushrooms more frequently. I don't know why, I've never had interest in them, but they've been appearing in my most recent dreams. Last night I was at an outdoor concert with a lot of my friends, and someone gave me some Psilocybin, which I immediately consumed. It didn't give me any hallucinations, but it did cause me to mostly lose control of my actions; it actually seemed to have more of an alcoholic effect on me than anything else.
I had a great sleep last night. I decided to go ahead and listen to this:
Entha and i went on another walk last weekend. He'll be celebrating Halloween with his girlfriend of course. That just made me feel bad all week, because I know that I will never be as important to him as he is to me. And even if somehow that is the case, I will never know. I'll only feel the distance of a casual friendship that makes me feel worthless, and somehow I sort of feel like I could have avoided this. Maybe I could have done something that would have changed the way things went but I was too afraid of the risk. Unfortunately I have no idea what that could be.
I'm pretty bored today for some reason, and I don't know why, but I've been doing a lot of things. My free time has been partitioned between reading Gnostic scriptures, studying the Coptic language, drawing things, listening to some tunes, and writing many, many pages of poems, most of which I will likely never look at again. In the past week and a half I've written well over 20 pages of them just because I've felt like writing things and had nothing else to do. I want to use some of my poems in music, but I don't know how I'll do that.
I don't know if I've written about this before, but I get to spend the last period of every school day looking at Hanet and just being in his general vicinity, which is really nice because he's definitely the prettiest guy in the school, if not the entire cosmic life. He's just right next to his girlfriend and I can't talk to him during the class, but I've been desensitized to both of those things for a while, so it's actually great. But because of this I have noticed that he's basically the girl in the relationship; he's that much more feminine than his girlfriend.
I went to New York with my father again last weekend and stayed with his friends in Port Jeff, where we went on a boat to Fire Island. It was a beautiful place that inspired recollections of childhood vacations and distant scenes of Dutch beaches. I encountered a deer who came very close to me in exchange for a few Cheetos. They were probably very bad for the deer, but at least I got to meet it. It started getting cloudy, so we took the boat back in the rain and it felt like it nearly flipped at one point. I loved every part of it.
I have this nice journal with beautiful, naturally made paper and I have nothing to write in it because I'm not sad now. I kind of wish I had something to write in there about, but I'm not used to expressing happiness, so it's difficult thinking of words.
I went to the Renaissance fair yesterday, and saw some things. I also got a handmade journal with actual paper, instead of that gross machine-made acidic stuff, so I've started writing my poems in there rather than the other old book I was using. I'll possibly go back to that one after this new one's filled up, but that may be a while. I'd post some poems here, but there are a lot of them, and they borrow a lot of phrases from each other, so it's sort of like I'm just revising, compiling, and expanding on them, and I don't know what I'll end up with.
Just when I was feeling happy, school came around and made me depressed again. Pretty much everybody I talked to last year is now gone, so I spent a lot of time just walking around, like last year except now with even less friends. Fuck all the lower grades. Thane and Nosaj are the only people I talk to who are still here, and I barely got any time with either of them.
I had a dream a few nights ago about wandering the world with my sister in search of a home. Apparently our home was destroyed or otherwise lost, and we were alone traversing a deteriorating world of poverty and decaying infrastructure.
We came upon (or were led to, I can't remember) a ruined area where the people were hiding behind the curtains of their empty apartments. The building to which we went was on a road in a small city, across from a deserted field of concrete. We passed through a partially concealed entrance at the foot of a building.
it's probably been at least a month since i've posted in here. but i've gotten a lot happier now, and i'm fortunately no longer in the state i've been in. it seemed pretty endless, but i've finally recovered from complete nihilism, and now i'm only in the partially nihilistic state that's normal for me, though i'm still struggling to identify the creator of this universe, and what really is behind the illusion of life. but that can wait for now.
The angular expressions of your faceless form flicker in the frame of my periphery
I fantasize of glistening gems gifted warmly from your wistful hand
My lamely limping eyes litter your fragile facade as history hesitates to heal my precious illness
Thank you for this accidental window
Thank you for your unwary wonder
I had a nice dream last night about finding someone else who made me feel better. We had some fun and I almost got over Yk. Then they both started ignoring me and just started a relationship between each other. All he Nick Cave in the world couldn't make me feel better. I'd write more, but I'm in New York and don't have much time to myself.
my father changed his mind and decided not to take me to his house. i think i'm going to kill myself.