Just when I was feeling happy, school came around and made me depressed again. Pretty much everybody I talked to last year is now gone, so I spent a lot of time just walking around, like last year except now with even less friends. Fuck all the lower grades. Thane and Nosaj are the only people I talk to who are still here, and I barely got any time with either of them.
I had a dream a few nights ago about wandering the world with my sister in search of a home. Apparently our home was destroyed or otherwise lost, and we were alone traversing a deteriorating world of poverty and decaying infrastructure.
We came upon (or were led to, I can't remember) a ruined area where the people were hiding behind the curtains of their empty apartments. The building to which we went was on a road in a small city, across from a deserted field of concrete. We passed through a partially concealed entrance at the foot of a building.
it's probably been at least a month since i've posted in here. but i've gotten a lot happier now, and i'm fortunately no longer in the state i've been in. it seemed pretty endless, but i've finally recovered from complete nihilism, and now i'm only in the partially nihilistic state that's normal for me, though i'm still struggling to identify the creator of this universe, and what really is behind the illusion of life. but that can wait for now.
The angular expressions of your faceless form flicker in the frame of my periphery
I fantasize of glistening gems gifted warmly from your wistful hand
My lamely limping eyes litter your fragile facade as history hesitates to heal my precious illness
Thank you for this accidental window
Thank you for your unwary wonder
I had a nice dream last night about finding someone else who made me feel better. We had some fun and I almost got over Yk. Then they both started ignoring me and just started a relationship between each other. All he Nick Cave in the world couldn't make me feel better. I'd write more, but I'm in New York and don't have much time to myself.
my father changed his mind and decided not to take me to his house. i think i'm going to kill myself.
House of Leaves is getting me through my three-hour driving classes and my bed, Have A Nice Life, and more House of Leaves are getting me through the rest of life. I still haven't heard from yk, so I'm going to go ask him in person what's up, or at least whoever's at his house. I told my father, and he seems fine with bringing me to his house, since it's pretty close to where we live. I just want to see him again, or at least hear his voice. I need to know that he's still real and still the same person I saw two weeks ago.
Driving classes started today, so I'll have to start going to a room filled with terrible people to sit for three hours without being allowed to do anything. Those fucking annoying normal people make me feel uncomfortable and it sucks having to look at their douchey faces. At least there are two good people who I know, so that's nice. It gives me a reason to walk outside, too.
Today was yk's last day of school (despite all of my efforts to convince him to go tomorrow), and with him gone and nothing happening in any of my classes, I'll be staying home the next two days as well. Unfortunately, he isn't going to be able to do anything with me for the next two weekends, which means that I won't see him for probably at least three weeks. So I'm going to be even more depressed and lonely. He said we'll make plans via texts, but he rarely ever responds to my texts, so I don't know how well it'll work out.
It's been a rough day. The weekend sucked, because it was the last weekend before the end of school, and I was nervous about barely seeing anyone for the next couple of months. When I finally saw yk, his girlfriend decided to skip and sit at lunch with him. So I was pretty much ignored, which I wasn't in the mood for, so I left school and just walked down a road for a while. That led me to some farm that I apparently wasn't welcome to, and ended up being asked too many questions by the police, and driven back to school.
More time has been spent with yk again. The school staff member who always made me leave his lunch has finally been pushed by my persistence to the point where he no longer cares and is letting me hang out at the class I'm supposed to be at during my lunch period instead; this is a double win for me, because I also didn't have anything to do that period. With the seniors gone, my entire lunch table is empty and I had nothing to do that period but wander the school and its surrounding area, which gets incredibly boring.
I've been listening to new music for the whole weekend so far, and ended up listening to over 20 new albums so far in the last two to three days. And in the process, I finally listened to 69 Love Songs by The Magnetic Fields and it gave me some magnetic feels. If you want to feel like shit, listen to this:
It seems like even when I'm in a good mood relative to usual, I'm still in a pretty bad mood. Even good emotions have some unhappy undertone, and I just feel kind of shitty even when I don't care about anything. It isn't even about anything in particular right now, I'm just not a happy person for some reason. Today was the last day of school for seniors, so about half my friends are gone now, and the rest of the school year will be really fucking boring.
i'm in a pretty bad mood today, and also pretty bored waiting for my sister to take me to the music store (to get a thumb pick and a new tuner), a combination which has led to me being here and writing a new journal.
I didn't really feel like writing about this at first, but it's a personal journal and it belongs to me, so why not? Nobody's going to find it unless they want to. even then they probably won't find it.