It's been a rough day. The weekend sucked, because it was the last weekend before the end of school, and I was nervous about barely seeing anyone for the next couple of months. When I finally saw yk, his girlfriend decided to skip and sit at lunch with him. So I was pretty much ignored, which I wasn't in the mood for, so I left school and just walked down a road for a while. That led me to some farm that I apparently wasn't welcome to, and ended up being asked too many questions by the police, and driven back to school.
More time has been spent with yk again. The school staff member who always made me leave his lunch has finally been pushed by my persistence to the point where he no longer cares and is letting me hang out at the class I'm supposed to be at during my lunch period instead; this is a double win for me, because I also didn't have anything to do that period. With the seniors gone, my entire lunch table is empty and I had nothing to do that period but wander the school and its surrounding area, which gets incredibly boring.
I've been listening to new music for the whole weekend so far, and ended up listening to over 20 new albums so far in the last two to three days. And in the process, I finally listened to 69 Love Songs by The Magnetic Fields and it gave me some magnetic feels. If you want to feel like shit, listen to this:
It seems like even when I'm in a good mood relative to usual, I'm still in a pretty bad mood. Even good emotions have some unhappy undertone, and I just feel kind of shitty even when I don't care about anything. It isn't even about anything in particular right now, I'm just not a happy person for some reason. Today was the last day of school for seniors, so about half my friends are gone now, and the rest of the school year will be really fucking boring.
i'm in a pretty bad mood today, and also pretty bored waiting for my sister to take me to the music store (to get a thumb pick and a new tuner), a combination which has led to me being here and writing a new journal.
I didn't really feel like writing about this at first, but it's a personal journal and it belongs to me, so why not? Nobody's going to find it unless they want to. even then they probably won't find it.
So we're supposed to be finally going on that walk on Sunday if everything goes right. I might be making some tunes with someone on Saturday if everything goes right. For some reason both Kiwi and his girlfriend were not at school yesterday, I don't know what was up with that. Probably some sort of testing. I meant to ask, but didn't have enough time. Just enough to settle the weekend plan and discuss a couple of other quick things.
For some reason Joy Division is the only thing I can listen to that won't just make me feel worse, and will actually help me forget a bit. It doesn't remind me ov you know who, anyway, so that's nice. So there's my explanation of this title
Regardless of the distractions, my thoughts are still plagued with memories of Ky. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I wish I could just stay in bed all day, but I eventually get hungry and have to get up to eat. It would be nice if there were just one thing that had a point to it, because then there would be a reason to care about anything. I can tell that Yk is trying to ignore me, so the one thing I thought I had isn't even real, and he just seems like a douchebag now that I'm seeing him from a different perspective. Too bad this ended before I was ready.
Well I can't talk to YK any more, it seems, so I have to just forget about him now. Unfortunately, that's being a bitch because everything is making me think about him, and whenever I remember that he exists I feel absolutely terrible about not being around him. Now that he's gone, I have nothing to delay the horrible feelings that society puts on me. Now I just feel lonely and hopeless. I have nowhere to go with this, since nobody here cares, and this is the only place I had to let my feelings out.
Today was a strange day. I didn't get to see much of YK because the karma police friendblocked me. I usually skip class to sit at his lunch, because that's the only way we get to spend any time together at all. But this one fucking guy who works for the school keeps telling me to go to class, and today it seems like he's actually noticed that I don't go to class. So I guess I don't get any more YK.
Spring break has been a fucking disappointment so far for the most part. It's cool that I get to just play a ton of albums I haven't heard yet and get into a lot of music that I didn't really have the time for, and listen to album after album of entirely unexplored musicians without responsibilities, with occasional music store trips, but I've been kind of lonely and bored. Boredom just leads to somewhat disappointing series of lonely orgasms that just empty my soul of the motivation I had to ignore my problems.
We had plans to walk around the lake this week, and now he isn reaponding to the texts I've sent. Now I'm just bored, disappointed, and lonely. There's absolutely nothing to do.
I went walking in the woods yesterday and saw a massive blue Heron there, which was an amazing sight. It was probably the biggest bird I've ever seen.
I busted out the viola today and gave it a long-delayed try after at least three years of not even touching it. I'm terrible at bowing now and I could barely remember where to put my fingers, especially while I was playing a song that had a ton of sharps (even though it literally contained only four notes in the one phrase that is repeated throughout the entire six-minute movement). I was playing the first movement of this piece, and quite poorly: