For some reason Joy Division is the only thing I can listen to that won't just make me feel worse, and will actually help me forget a bit. It doesn't remind me ov you know who, anyway, so that's nice. So there's my explanation of this title
Regardless of the distractions, my thoughts are still plagued with memories of Ky. I don't feel motivated to do anything and I wish I could just stay in bed all day, but I eventually get hungry and have to get up to eat. It would be nice if there were just one thing that had a point to it, because then there would be a reason to care about anything. I can tell that Yk is trying to ignore me, so the one thing I thought I had isn't even real, and he just seems like a douchebag now that I'm seeing him from a different perspective. Too bad this ended before I was ready.
Well I can't talk to YK any more, it seems, so I have to just forget about him now. Unfortunately, that's being a bitch because everything is making me think about him, and whenever I remember that he exists I feel absolutely terrible about not being around him. Now that he's gone, I have nothing to delay the horrible feelings that society puts on me. Now I just feel lonely and hopeless. I have nowhere to go with this, since nobody here cares, and this is the only place I had to let my feelings out.
Today was a strange day. I didn't get to see much of YK because the karma police friendblocked me. I usually skip class to sit at his lunch, because that's the only way we get to spend any time together at all. But this one fucking guy who works for the school keeps telling me to go to class, and today it seems like he's actually noticed that I don't go to class. So I guess I don't get any more YK.
Spring break has been a fucking disappointment so far for the most part. It's cool that I get to just play a ton of albums I haven't heard yet and get into a lot of music that I didn't really have the time for, and listen to album after album of entirely unexplored musicians without responsibilities, with occasional music store trips, but I've been kind of lonely and bored. Boredom just leads to somewhat disappointing series of lonely orgasms that just empty my soul of the motivation I had to ignore my problems.
We had plans to walk around the lake this week, and now he isn reaponding to the texts I've sent. Now I'm just bored, disappointed, and lonely. There's absolutely nothing to do.
I went walking in the woods yesterday and saw a massive blue Heron there, which was an amazing sight. It was probably the biggest bird I've ever seen.
I busted out the viola today and gave it a long-delayed try after at least three years of not even touching it. I'm terrible at bowing now and I could barely remember where to put my fingers, especially while I was playing a song that had a ton of sharps (even though it literally contained only four notes in the one phrase that is repeated throughout the entire six-minute movement). I was playing the first movement of this piece, and quite poorly:
This is going to be a short journal, but I just have something I need to share here. I was talking with the certain person I usually write about, and he was going to meet up with his girlfriend (during a time we usually spend alone together) and he addressed her as "someone". It's like he wants to entirely avoid the subject of her. The only times he mentions her to me are when I pretty much give him no other option, and even then he mentions her briefly and quietly, and then either moves on to something else or just stops with it. What do you think this means?
Everything worked out today. We had nonstop conversation for five hours and it was a wonderful experience. We really got a lot closer with that, and had a lot of fun. I'm still worried about not getting to talk to him as much anymore, and I think he is, too, but that won't kill our friendship anymore. He seemed pretty excited to have me over more in the future. There isn't really much to say about this, but I thought it was something that should be written about here, just to keep my journal up to date.
I got caught skipping with yakow today by a fucky fuck, and I had to leave him. I don't know if I can go back to his lunch anymore now, but if I can't, then I will have only a couple minutes a day to talk to him, and that won't do. He did skip a class and come to my lunch period, but that was only to talk to his girlfriend. I moved over to his table when I noticed, and we talked a bit, and he talked to her a bit, and there were a couple of instances when the three of us were discussing certain topics.
Today felt pretty good regarding the topic I wrote about in the last journal entry. The yakow was really nice, and we had another one of the great conversations that we have every day, conversing nonstop for 45 minutes again. He seems pretty excited for this weekend, and has been checking the weather forecasts for Saturday every day. I've decided not to try and start a conversation when he's with his girlfriend, because that always ends up failing. I wish I could write more about this topic to express my good mood.
Yakow is spending as much time as he possibly can with his girlfriend. And that means that he's spending significantly less time with me, which makes me kind of sad. It's like all his other friends are just worthless now that he has a girlfriend he likes. It isn't easy finding times when the two of us can actually talk now. When we're alone I can tell he still likes me as much as he always has, but whenever he's in conversation with other people, something always feels different about him, something I can't really describe. It's like something's changed.
Yakow has been spending a lot of time with his new girlfriend. I can only be alone with him at one time in the day now, and I have to skip one of my periods to do it. It's worth it, though, since that class is 100% online and I can make up all of it from home. Anyway, they've started kissing every time they leave each other, which would probably make me feel a lot more uncomfortable if she weren't so friendly and social with me (not like his last girlfriend, who never said a word in my presence).
Yakow cancelled the plan again, so I'm done. He's proposed "rescheduling" for next weekend, but that just seems pointless because I know that wont work out either. Making plans is just pointless. Nothing ever happens for me. Fuck everybody else, the human species is all douchebags and assholes except me.