"You are the guiding star of his existence." I wish I were more credulous of these things; instead this only reminds me of thoughts I'd rather not have on days like today. Images from last Friday multiply throughout the weekend. Their beauty makes me want the snow to stop coming. Those jagged golden spears look so gentle.
A smashing total of 0 people showed up to my birthday festival, so I had a massive celebration. Today was an unexpected success.
There are only two people who are definitely coming. But one of them is Yakow and the other is someone who is also very cool and loves everyone, so he'll be a lot of fun.
Yakow again asked me to sit with him at lunch, which I had to accept, so I haven't gone to my fourth period class all week. It went fine, but after a while I guess he got bored and started listening to music, so I just talked to his friend a bit and fucked with his iPad while he was doing stuff on it. I proposed that we go walking around a local lake that he lives near, an offer to which he excitedly replied.
I didn't really speak to Yakow today. Aside from a few seconds of a quick chat that I got in before he lost interest and began talking to someone else who showed up out of nowhere. It seems like he's trying to avoid me for some reason, so I've been doing the same. I'll likely keep it up for the rest of the week, and if he shows up at my house on Saturday, that may change. If not, I guess my friendship with him is done. And I won't even know why. And I have nobody to give me company except Ween and my own mind, and neither of those are even around anymore.
Since ykw couldn't really sit with his ex girlfriend at lunch today, he, without much effort, convinced me to skip the period and sit across from him. So today was the first time we spent over a half hour together all year. And it was nice. I got to have about 50 minutes of admiration, and we had a great time, which made me happy.
The only thing that happened last weekend was getting ripped off on an Aphex Twin bootleg for $25. I shouldn't have trusted a business to actually be trustworthy, especially with a musician nobody in the US even knows any more.
You-know-who finally told me about his girlfriend, for the first time ever. And the reason he told me this is because he broke up with her today. So this has lightened my mood even more than all my time with him yesterday did. We've been talking more and getting increasingly closer. He's even coming over to my place on my birthday. I've also been talking a bit with one of his friends and getting along pretty well.
The GM-Hope-MasterForce-Thief-polystyrenegenerator-gman urged me to meet him at a specific location today, and then was absent. It seemed that he had disappeared for the rest of the day without warning, leaving me to burn out the lights of the sunless corner of sublime elusiveness with no foam trayholder.The only times I even got to talk to him were either really short or he was talking to a bunch of other people and we didn't even have a real conversation. Why he didn't give me any warning is a mystery, but what a fucking way to end the week.
Conversations with Gman always put me in an unmanageably good mood when I get home, and I don't know what to do when I'm this happy but also this bored.
Where are you?
My river explorer
The navigator of those deepest lonely waters
Take me with you
On our shining raft
For with hope and blind mirage
I see only you
I am in a terrible mood for some reason. There was a tornado warning at school, so we stayed in the hall for about half an hour past the scheduled dismissal time, with no power. And I didn't know anyone there well enough to have an enjoyable conversation, so I was bored and lonely. The entire time, I was just wondering where You-Know-Who was. Then, I had to endure the torture of watching him walk by later while I had to stay in the bus, which apparently was worse than not seeing him at all.
I started getting annoyed at House of Leaves because Mark Z. Danielewski keeps making me abandon the story to flip through the entire book to something that I don't feel like reading. So I went to the bookstore looking for an interesting little poetry book titled The Container Store; to no surprise they didn't have it, but they did have The Silmarillion, which is much longer and will take a lot more time to finish. But that's nice because I like Tolkien. His works really appealed to me when I was younger and more open-minded, so they help me return to that mindset now.
I know I'm sort of clogging this place, but things are going well. Besides the crushing migraine, aching eyes, relentless cough, distressed throat, and periodic nausea. Other than that, I'm fine.
You-know-who was happy to see me after the break (and produced a very large smile upon seeing me near), and we ended up talking for longer than we should have (or at least longer than the school would have wanted). I was very late to class, but that teacher doesn't give a fuck about anything so it doesn't matter.
My head is a pulsating void. All I can hear is this ringing and the sound of my heart beat, driving me insane. I'm in inescapable pain and I am helpless and immobile. My throat is burnt to soot and dry. I'm slowly learning to walk again.
So I had to take the day off of school. This was not a fun weekend. At least it isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
Today was a fucking good day! I'm actually really happy, and I think you can guess why. I had a really good conversation, nearly five full minutes in length (which is a lot for how it's been going), plus two shorter ones. It almost felt like the good old days. He started out really quiet and just unusual for some reason, and then by the end of the day, he had gradually shifted back to the state he usually is around me, so that was really weird.
We trusted it
We did so foolishly—together
The generosity of the perfect machine is endless
Strange that with our colors
We believed what the monster could do
How we would stare at that smooth gate
Awaiting the ability
The moment of unity
When we could unhinge the door to golden perfection
And be blinded of the sight we would no longer need
And carelessly drift deep into that blue-gray abyss
Without watching that which had no cause
Its lack of purpose fueled our return
The lift from the shining gray pool
In which we would blissfully fill our lungs