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Things are not going well.

Everybody else is seeing Pat the Bunny and Matt Pless in concert in Baltimore, and I stay at home napping and being unhappy all day. This four-day weekend is going to be boring. Nobody showed up at lunch today, so I had to spend the period in the woods, getting muddy and exploring my mind. Today was the last day of PE, my favorite class, so I get to start listening to bullshit in health and I don't get a period to wake me up in the morning any more, so that's fun.

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I have to post something about this.

I've already PM'd with someone regarding this, and mentioned it too implicitly in some of the poems I've posted, but it's at the point at which I feel I need to be explicit about it.

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No more dream journal (exciting things)

Pat the Bunny is playing a concert with Matt Pless in Baltimore and I have to see it. If I do not, I will cry.

Neutral Milk Hotel is playing a concert in D.C. on the 31st and if everything goes to plan I will see it. If I do not, I will cry even more.

A song of mine is being released on eight-track tape, currently scheduled for early February, and it will be the first music by me that will be released by a separate organization, and I am excite.

I will be recording my last album onto cassette, and will give it to local record stores as well as sell it online.

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Nice to see you again.

The break's over, and I'm back to those silly conversations about everything and nothing to everyone else that inspire me to move in the morning. Even when the week turns to shit, I still have something, or someone, nice to justify it. A year and a half of development sure has gone far.

Sorry I'm not talking about anything else at the moment. This is the only subject that I have nobody else with whom it can be discussed.

Fuck cops.

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Obligatory Christmas post

On top of the Festivus gift of House of Leaves that I have been enjoying, I also just received two Christmas gifts: a Roland MKS-30 and a vinyl copy of In the Court of the Crimson King. I will possibly be doing a collab with someone I know this weekend, and I require a MIDI interface that will allow me to send sustained signals, which my current piece of shit one for some reason will not.

Also, it's been a nice, warm Christmas. Not a flake of snow to be seen.

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I have something to do now!

I just started reading House of Leaves and I am ready for what may just be the trippiest literary experience of my life. The guy at the store already remarked on how trippy it is as soon as I said the name. (The girl was apparently not aware of it, and was pretty surprised when she saw all the near-blank pages.) Anyway, that's irrelevant and all that matters now is Zampanò's appartment.

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Today was the bomb!

In a literal way, though, so it wasn't fun. I had to stay in my first period class for nearly three hours, so I missed my favorite period and I didn't get to talk to anybody I normally talk to. Today was boring. Pretty much nobody was there and I didn't even get to see a certain person who is in a way somewhat important to me (elph should know who I'm talking about). So I guess a day like this is something I have to write about.

Also, Merzbow's birthday was yesterday, so this is obligatory:

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CyCles

appy
frustration
fatigue
auto-euphorization
kontent
disgust
self-hater
solipsism
they're free to do as they please, I assure you
absolute bliss, I have no words!
you are (not) an imprisoned dude
needs motivation
laugh
noxious
irony
desire
sexual desire (with nobody in partikular)
diverged, separate, mind kontrol
philanthropic and happier
romantik feelings (with somebody very partikular)
illusion
s
t
e
r
e
o
t
y
p
e
s
adherence
billions of dukklings inside my mind
you feel that?
misanthrop
isolation
lazy
materialism
memories
shut the fukk up
the fukk

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Spirit they're back

When I'm outside, I like to look over the trees on the horizon and imagine that there's an undiscovered world beyond them that civilization hasn't yet corrupted, and no other people exist. It makes me feel like there is still a place where I can be free and not be bothered by the materialism of other people.

I had a dream last night about being chased by people who controlled the society in which I was. As fast as I could, I packed all my stuff into a white van. It took too long, and a flying witch came down from the sky while I was outside and carried me off.

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Explain

Again, fixated on the pendulous hummingbird. Oscillating, revolving, returning, but only when it is forgotten. The pulse is strongest after its decay. It fades only to reveal itself once more. It is the rain shower that feeds the waterfalls. Attacks resonate throughout the empty universe.

I just want someone to talk to.

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What a find.

Here I am on my returnal to familiar ports, a prisoner. New leadership has taken its reign now, another autocrat. I wonder how I'll get out of it this time. I guess I've found myself once more in the right and wrong place. What a find.

My dreams follow me where I go. They've taken a terrifyingly inspiring trail, of jealousy, disgust, and unmitigated horror, and I fear the underlying masochism.

Please help me. I'm trapped.

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Dream Journal #13

The human species was being threatened by a new disease that was being transmitted through liquid contact with animals. This disease slowly caused the blood to become stagnant and pressure in the bloodstream to rise, making veins bulge and skin pale before death.

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Dream Journal #12

I had an alternate version of the dream from #9. This time, instead of being friends with this guy, I met him and he was a complete asshole and I pretty much wanted to kill him, he was that mean. I can't remember any specifics, but now whenever I look at him I simultaneously get angry and sad because of how mean he was to me in that dream.

I think the dream might have been a misplaced personality of someone I really hate who everyone else I know loves for some reason. That person thankfully wasn't at school today, which made the day much more enjoyable.

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solitary exploration

I was in a bad mood on Friday at lunch so I expored behind the football field, in the practice area. That place always inspires me. It's even better when alone and while listening to Oneohtrix Point Never's ambient music. I took plenty of photos but they don't inspire nearly as much as actually being there. It's surprising how beautiful the area behind such a dull and uninspiring place can be.

Schools always seem like such a strange community to me, especially such a gigantic high school that I am forced into.

Anyway, hanging outside alone during lunch is the best thing ever.

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the high point of my day

i enjoy speaking during these minutes

the time when i would rather be with than without

seeing is euphoric

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