I'm right on time with my every other week journal entry, but I'm hoping to do better soon. Right now my life's a combination of weird and awesome with a extra helpin' of suck.

My Mom left New York City on one of the last flights to leave before Hurricane Sandy hit, and she arrived at our place late at night, way after I was sound asleep. Once I take my glasses off and turn out the lights I'm out cold.

I woke up the next morning to her turning on my nightstand light and pulling off my blankets to wake me up, and I guess it would have been great except for...

A) I sleep naked

Wow, this is becoming a habit of me writing a journal on here every other week...I need to do something about this!

I've had lots of changes in my life lately, split evenly between good and bad. On the positive end of things my Mom is moving here in November, her studio apartment lease is up and she jumped on a job transfer that happened at just the right time for her. We got a big box of her stuff that she had shipped to us yesterday, sitting in our guest bedroom waiting for her arrival.

In my last journal I wrote about being in a new school and starting over, and for once feeling safe at what my Dad always calls "my job". Now that I've been in school a few weeks I'm starting to open up to people, and actually smiling...

Okay...smiling? What's the big deal with smiling?

For me, especially the last few years, smiling was a rare thing. I was too scared all the time to laugh or smile, fear the invisible shadow that never left me alone.

I've written before about being home schooled and the reasons why, but this year my family decided that I should try going to a regular school again, but the school I go to now is far from regular.

I go to a tech based private school where individual learning is the emphasis along with diversity, two things seriously missing from my old private school. There it was all about helping the children of (illegal?) immigrants become better English interpreters for their parents and creating the future high school football and basketball teams. Does that sound mean? Maybe. Sadly it's the truth.

I saw this online and had to share it!!!

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/personal/story/2012/09/12/student-12-one-of...

Sam

The title of this journal just gave away my secret didn't it?

For a long time I've been debating with myself and my family and friends if I should ever write about this or not, and with everyone except my Mom encouraging me, I felt now was the right time.

I have Asperger's Syndrome, a type of autism.

And honestly, as hard as this may be to believe, I have no idea what that really means. No matter how many times it's been explained to me, I just don't understand it. I've been told that I'm "high functioning" which tells me I'm normal...or am I?

Back in June I wrote about being without the Internet for a while while on vacation and how it gave me time to think...

For the past few days I've been without Internet service and TV because of a line problem where I live, and I again had the time to think about things, especially how much we depend on technology to exist.

I saw this commercial during the Olympics and I just totally love it, he's so much like me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JnYcuRW_qo

Thank you Nathan! Keep on running!

I've always been a Adidas guy but now I have a reason to love Nike!

Sam

It's been a while since I've posted a journal on here, not because of laziness or anything like that, I've just been busy.

Too busy really!

Puberty has been painful for me, literally, and now I'm at my full adult height and weight just over 200 pounds. I'm actually taller than my Dad now, and have size 11 shoes! My Dad has to stand on his toes to hug me, but that's okay with us.

I saw this commercial while watching the Tour De France and it's so inspiring to me!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BwnuBVUBsQ&list=UUcrBtxD8xy2cxeXM7f-xihA...

Sam : ))

[Part 3 of "To Live Is To Survive"]

Before I started writing here I spent (wasted?) a lot of time in gay chat rooms, sometimes giving my real age, sometimes making myself 18 or whatever I felt like that day. The attention I was given pretending to be an adult was freaky and usually scary, strangers wanting personal info like my phone number, location, and penis size...and other stuff. It got to where I'd just do a intro giving that out (never using a location anywhere near where I live) and the weird questions would happen like magic.

[Part 2 of "To Live Is To Survive]

I've been a victim, I won't deny it, but I'd rather be a survivor than to stay a victim.

As long as I can remember I've been picked on, so much that it's become something I expect. I also have learned to expect racial slurs, fat jokes, and now hate from other gays.

Being in Special Ed classes labeled me as a "retard".

I've had to use a wheelchair at times because of my physical challenges and have been called "lazy" when I used one because my legs couldn't carry my weight anymore.

Here's a link to the video Alex made that's the inspiration for this journal. I hope he's okay with me doing this?

Please read my previous journal's comments.

This will then make sense I hope.

I know I have people on my side, maybe you all can make others feel the same way?

Reaching out to those who need us is the greatest gift you have to give.

I think I can smile now :-))

Thank you all for being there!

Sam

I've been following him on YouTube for a while, and when I saw this one it made me cry. While he doesn't know I even exist, he's a hero to me in lots of way. I relate well to him and he makes me feel better about being gay.

Please watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXytBOG22gw&feature=plcp

This is his main page:

http://www.youtube.com/user/l3gitredwing55?feature=watch

If the stars were aligned right he'd write a journal here.

We could use his voice on here...no I take that back.

We NEED him here.

Sam