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Running From Invisible Shadows

[Part 2 of "To Live Is To Survive]

I've been a victim, I won't deny it, but I'd rather be a survivor than to stay a victim.

As long as I can remember I've been picked on, so much that it's become something I expect. I also have learned to expect racial slurs, fat jokes, and now hate from other gays.

Being in Special Ed classes labeled me as a "retard".

I've had to use a wheelchair at times because of my physical challenges and have been called "lazy" when I used one because my legs couldn't carry my weight anymore.

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To Live Is To Survive #1

Here's a link to the video Alex made that's the inspiration for this journal. I hope he's okay with me doing this?

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I Was Wrong, The Stars Are Aligned!!!!

Please read my previous journal's comments.

This will then make sense I hope.

I know I have people on my side, maybe you all can make others feel the same way?

Reaching out to those who need us is the greatest gift you have to give.

I think I can smile now :-))

Thank you all for being there!


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Heroes In Plain Clothes

I've been following him on YouTube for a while, and when I saw this one it made me cry. While he doesn't know I even exist, he's a hero to me in lots of way. I relate well to him and he makes me feel better about being gay.

Please watch this video:

This is his main page:

If the stars were aligned right he'd write a journal here.

We could use his voice on I take that back.

We NEED him here.


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Awkward Father And Son Moments

[Edited for content 6/19/2012 by Sam]

Since my Dad's come back into my life our relationship's been good, but it never really was bad in the first place thanks to him making the effort to be a part of my life. If you've seen the cookie commercial about the father and son sharing the experience by webcam then you know what it was like. That is one of my all time favorite commercials because it felt personal to me.

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Too Much Time To Think

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I last wrote on here, but everything's okay. I had the surprise of going to my maternal grandparent's vacation house with my Dad and his boyfriend, and Austin and Matthew along with my cousin Jake. Male bonding at it's best!!!!!!!! Two weeks away from the did I manage?

It was great to get away, but the only downer was the amount of time I had on my hands to just sit there and think, for me that means analyzing the shit out of everything.

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It's been over a week since I last wrote on here, but so much has happened and so many doors I thought would never be cracked are now wide open.

My Grandpa is in remission with his sickness.

My Dad moved back to the United States and lives within a hour of me, and I came out to him.

He already knew. I'll write more about this soon, I promise.

I think most of you who have read my journals know that I'm deeply religious but I haven't really written about that much.

I guess it's time to.

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Dinner With A Familar Stranger

Earlier this week my Mom came home from New York City to be my Grandpa in his final days, and it's the first time I've seen her in since I was a little kid.

I was over at my grandparents when she arrived, and I was snuggling with my Grandpa on the couch listening to him talk about his days in Vietnam when she just walked into the room, I didn't even hear her pull into the driveway. It turned out she parked in the street, later on I found out why.

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As I wrote in my last journal, my Grandma gave me my Mom's phone number with the urging to call her. With my phone fully charged I pushed her number several times, stopping before the last number a few times before I could bring myself actually do it.

Her phone rang seven times and then she answered.


Sam!!!!! Hi!!!!

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Fair Doesn't Apply To Life

(Continued from "Striking Out The One I Love")

In the living room my Grandma had me sit in front of her on the couch while she rubbed my shoulders, something she does after most games and practices, especially when I pitch. It relaxes me and helps me sleep and it's her chance to talk to me. She used to do the same when I was younger and she'd give me a bath, it was just a chance for one on one time.

That night she rubbed my shoulders slower and deeper than usual and I knew something was going on, she was preparing me for bad news.

Grandma, I asked, what's wrong?

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Striking Out The One I Love

Earlier this week I had a baseball game that I've dreaded all season, and I hoped and prayed (and prayed!!!!) that I wouldn't have to be the starting pitcher.

I was the starting pitcher. Dammit!

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Rooms That Can't Be Thrown Away

To me writing on here is like sticking your toe in the water to see how warm it is, except that Oasis is how I'm testing the water for coming out.

My toe wasn't sure about the water.

I don't see any reason to come out. At least not anytime soon.

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Thank You

I want to start by giving my thanks to Jeff and Christian (D-Listed88) for the things they wrote in my defense, it's great to know I have people on my side!

This might seem weird, but I also want to thank EVERYONE who took the time to post comment on my journals, positive or negative. You feedback is real important to me, good or bad. I welcome it, I really do. Just don't be so mean!

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Forced Change And Drama

This week's been rough for me, lots of schoolwork and drama I could do without!

I pitched cleanup and pulled us out of a really tight situation, bases loaded and no outs to win the game and got my first game ball! My Grandma even bought me a case for it, which made it even better. I'm not a great pitcher but I just threw as much garbage as I could and things worked out for me.

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Rainy Days Can Be Good Days

Today the weather forecast was for rain but my baseball team still met at the diamond for our practice, and once everyone showed up it started pouring! Lots of pissed Moms bitching about wasting the gas to go there in the first place, but if it hadn't rained we'd have missed a practice. The next three games are real important because they're the better ones in our league so I guess every practice matters.

I rode my bike to the field because my Grandma's working late, and I had a surprise visitor...


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