I am the luckiest girl in the world!! Well possibly not, but I sure feel like it at the moment. Despite stress levels that could definitely compete for worst in my life, I have had the most amasing week...
So I had some high hopes when I went back to school of meeting some nice single lesbians, or at least making some gay friends. I did my part, joined an LGBT group, blah blah. Three months later NOTHING had happened.
WTF? So, I live in a small town for two years, but close enough to Springfield that you'd think I could dredge up a little gay culture SOMEWHERE, but unfortunately much internet perusing, checking out papers on a regular basis, and even emailing the so-called "lesbian outreach" (and getting NO reply) turned up nothing except a couple gay bars, which wasn't really what I was looking for. But now that I'm in the process of moving back to Chambana which I KNOW has a lot more in the way of (acessible) gay culture, I come home for a couple days, and what do I see in the bulletin board of the paper but a place that has two or three different groups for GLBTQ youth and young adults that meet on a weekly basis!! And they have a website, which when I check it out looks like something that's been around for awhile (a couple years)!!!!! Yet somehow I was magically never able to find it when I wanted it! Sigh.
Email friends, coming out and some random thoughts, oh my...
Good times!! Three days in Chicago and a Buffy convention, how can you beat that! First I had three nights in a row off work, which is always good (I can't wait until I am done with work... 13 babies to go). Then I got to meet my online friend, which went very well. You hope being friends online can translate into real life, but you never know. The convention itself was fun too; I spent way too much money but seeing all the actors in real life was interesting. Iyari Limon totally rocks!
We could hold each other tight until forever comes
For your love is safe and warm.
And I wrap my arms around you, press my face into your hair
I see the beauty I could have.
But the days we have together are already numbered
I see you count them with despair.
And the game we play together will not help us then
The lies our bodies tell will be found out.
I wish that I could hold you til forever comes
House hunting was fun yesterday!
The house I wanted is going to be sold. Unless something happens and the deal falls through (I can only hope!). My day of house hunting tomorrow will not be nearly as much fun now. :( I am very bummed. *sigh* I guess this teaches me not to get my hopes up.
Unfortunately it also probably sets me back in getting a house, which sets me back on finding roommates. I'm a little worried about the roommate situation; they will be financially necessary so I have to find some.
I kissed a girl! I can't believe it. What did I do???? It was nice. Very nice. And very wrong!! What was I thinking?? We're not dating. We're just friends!
I love her. And I
Have you ever had the feeling that you just wanted the floor to open up and swallow you?
The only thing more depressing than opening your email account and having 0 messages is opening your second account and having 0 messages there, too.
Okay, I know... actually lots of things are more depressing. But this morning that one takes the cake.
I talked to one of my friends on the phone last night who I'm not out to (hardly needs that "not out to" qualifier; that would be most of my friends). We don't talk very often, like most of my friends she lives far away. So it was fun. Until the topic of conversation turned suddenly to guys. And how so and so should hook me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. And I'm hemming and hawing and trying to deflect the conversation to a new subject. There are some good things about not living near my friends. I hate lying to them, and so ofen I feel like that's what I'm doing when I hide my sexuality. I think if we still lived in the same place I would have to come out to them, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I just have no idea how some of them will react.
I feel like I'm burning up and my head is aching like it's about to split apart... getting sick, or just plain exhausted? Or maybe just a million thoughts fighting to escape and not finding any outlet.
I was reading Oasis blogs with her tonight, with my only friend that doesn't live far far away. The only person who knows I'm gay that doesn't live far far away. And one of the entries struck a chord with her: Heart-eating monsters, and "I guess now I know... I'll never be who you want, nor who you need..."