Again, it has been awhile... Just 2 years, you know :)
Adrian, dear, I think you are the only one who still remembers me anymore.
I was reading old journal entries and wishing we had the journals from the oasis previous to this one. The memories they bring back crazy.
I'm in a good place in life, not labeling myself, working, being an adult in this crazy world.
I was thinking about how long I have been on Oasis when Rachelle and I were trying to figure out just how long we have known each other. 4 years. It feels like such a short time. But wow, what has changed. From lesbian, to bi-sexual, back to lesbian, to undefined, to omnisexual, and now to ambisexual. From female gender, to gender unspecified I have been down quite the road. And I still have so much of my life to live.
So, my birthday party was this weekend and you know the girl I haven't shut up about, for well, the last 5 months or so? Well just look what happened...
It wasn't how I pictured it occuring but we'll see where things go from here.
She is such a wonderful person.
She's taking me to see RENT for my birthday,
I am so incredibly excited. I'm invited to spend
the night at her house after, but my parents
are going to say no. I know them.
I don't know what will happen, see, I've liked her
since last fall, and now we are both single...
I don't know, I don't think for once I'll be the
first to make a move.
I don't want to hurt her like too many people have already.
Hey wow, I'm here! Adrian, darling, I love you, my computer loves oasis again. Which is a very, very good thing.
So, lets see. My coming of age is this weekend at my UU church and I am straight out announcing my sexuality to the whole congregation, as well as the fact that I have been a self injurer. It should be interesting. I am nervous and incredibly excited.
The best thing this week? My friend called me last night to tell me she is taking me to see RENT in Boston for my birthday. For those of you oldies, she is the girl I have incredible chemistry with. Sadly, she has a boyfriend now, however, we are still great friends and I am soooo excited to go see RENT, finally, especially in her company.
Rembering when this was my home, when this was the only place I felt safe. I'm around still, and feeling old at all the changes, in the site, in people. I guess I've changed too. I'm not longer the wondering one, I'm the old one, the one who is comfortable in her skin. Can you believe it? I sure can't. I'm out as out can be, and loving it.
Maybe I should come back more often, so many stories sound familiar to me... so many sound like me.
Just a short check in... I'm on the last day of vacation and I spent last night drinking, alone, how pathetic is that?
Oh well, just saying hello.
I just finished watching the Order and I got all philosophical during it and grabbed a pen... this is what came out....
We run from the things we need, truth hurts and so we shy from it as we travel on a neverending quest for it. An ongoing battle in our minds, a battle we are hardly even concious of unless we dwell on it.
Begging to trust, to be trusted, wanting to stand alone, fearing to take anothers hand, even when we are on the edge and close to falling. Yet our nature forces us to seek companionship, to find friends, to find people to love. We are driven to touch, to feel a body pressed close to our own. To be at peace. We fight against this eden, we fight to stand alone, to defy the piece of our nature that drives us to be social creatures.
A little something Adrian asked me to post:
bobby: I like you, Krayzie. You represent everything stereotypical and depthless about today's gay youth.
KrayzieWolF: well im acually bi
So, for all you oldies that still remember 'oasis on the big screen' and those good times with 'chelle and I in the hot tub, we have finally met in person. It was brilliant. No awkwardness at all, I think I would have kissed her right there if my parents hadn't been there. Panera bread was our destination, so my parents could make sure she didn't date rape me or anything... haha. From 5:30 to 8 we talked and the saddest part was saying goodbye without know ing when I will see her again, but I guess she is closer now instead of all the way across the country. It was brilliant. I can't stress that enough. It seriously has made my week. I love her so much. She's beautiful, and perfect, and e talked and there wasn't one awkward silence. I wasn't self oncious at all, I've talked to her about everything, and yesterday I would have been content just to hold her in my arms. Hold her hand. We've talked so much, it was amazing just to be with her in person. Most of you all will be lost and confused, but Rachelle and I have been talking for coming up on three years, recently on the phone as well. So this was mad exciting for us. That was my rant, there may be pictures soon.
Rachelle is on her way to the east coast RIGHT NOW!!!
I am sooo excited.. you all have no idea, she is one of the best people in the world!
Okay, that is my excitment...
Sarah came over yesterday... holding her hand leaning against her makes my dreamings peaceful. We wrote in the snow, I drew "I *heart* Sarah" with my boot, and she drew the same, but with my name. It made me happy I just wish she meant it the same way I do. I don't know... I wanted to give her a goodnight kiss, but I didn't. She's amazing, and lovely, and beautiful, and smart. I always beging to fall for the people I can't have. I like her so much.
time to turn over a new leaf... wishes for the best
new sn: xgivemeasignx
love to all
Call me a freak, tell me I need to get over myself, tell me I'm fucked up. I know that already. I know I am weak for leaving this pain on my arms, for crying just because I"m sitting here alone. It's childish and stupid isn't it? I should move on, do something productive. No, I'm sick of the world, sick of society. Sick of corrupt captitalist Amercai. Why can't I love who I want to love and have them see me, and have them know, not hide behind doors and folded notes, secret glances and the computer screen. I was supposed to see her today but my parents said no. They don't "know" her and she isn't safe. Goodness knows what she might do to me. She's in NHS, plays 2 sports, and gets A's.. but nooo she also has a pierced eyebrow and wears guys jeans. She listens to punk music and shops at Hot Topic. She isn't safe. No one is anymore to them. And so I sit. Isolated. Alone. At my computer, with even IM hating me.
Sooo, if you remember my 6/30 entry you remember Zach.
And my solemn swear to forver avoid men. Well, it
didn't really work out. I've been trying to mend
what happened with Zach because he is my friend..
I trust him. He was the first guy I trusted after
almost being raped by my best friend. That says alot.
We've been talking and I'm beginning to realize, i never
was angry with him. I was confused and hurt. But he was