You hide inside, so not okay
(keep on, keep on livin')
What if you remember more today?
(Keep on, keep on livin')
The phone rings but there's too much to say
(keep on, keep on livin')
You tell them to go when you wish they would stay
(keep on, keep on livin')
You gotta keep on (keep on livin')...
Disproportionate reactions just won't fade
(keep on, keep on livin')
Every dude you see puts you in a rage
Happy birthday to meeeeee!!! It was actually a couple days ago, thursday, but I just turned 21. So Friday night I decided I wanted to go to the gay bar, and none of my friends wanted to go with me, or they were under 21 and couldnt go I just decided to go alone, figuring i had nothing to lose. So im sitting there, people watching with my beer, and this guy comes over, tells me he's straight and starts hitting on me. WTF????
Sweet!! I just found out today that tomorrow is Youth pride in my city. I went to Outright tonight just for something to do and to try to find some people around here to hang out with. Outright is this youth group/support/drop in place for queer youth. Its mostly younger people than me, mostly high school kids, but they go to age 22 technically. Im almost 21.
So anyway, Everyone was all excited about stuff happening tomorrow so im planning on going. Im going to miss the speak out and march, but Ill be able to go to the workshops and stuff, and to the drag show and queer prom tomorrow night. It should be fun. I just need to find something to wear. Im probably going to go for an androgynous/ butch look if i can find something good.
Yeah, I basically just ran away from everything that wasnt going well in my life. Just packed everything up and took off. No warning, didnt say anything, only said goodbye to my boyfriend.
I had put in my notice at both jobs and eveyone was expecting me to be there till the 18th, but I couldn't deal anymore, I just had to get out. So I did. Packed up when my roomate was home for the weekend and dissapeared.
so over the last week or so, way to much has happened to me, some good, a lot bad, and ive basically changed my plans overnight. I'm not in the mood to go into it all now, but feel free to read my blog if you want... ramblingsdemoi.blogspot.com... everything is kinda there.
So, My boyfriend, or maybe now ex-boyfriend. He was in the bahamas all last week when everything happened, and when I decided that im moving back to Vermont on the 30th, in 9 days. And i was pissed at him the whole time he was gone. I saw him at work yesterday, and barely talked to him, i put him on express so I wouldn't have to bag for him.
I've realized lately, reading everyones entries, how familiar everyone's problems seem. From people wondering if they might be gay, with out knowing what to do about it, to doubts about comming out to friends or family, or relationship problems, or drugs or cutting. And I have also realized how much I have overcome personally.
Since I started posting here over 2 years ago, I have come out to my friends and mom and brother. I have also had several crushes on straight girls, including the obligatory best friend that every gay teen seems to have to get over. I have dealt with, and am still struggling to live with depression. Ive been addicted to drugs and cut. I have also had my first girlfriend and lost my virginity with a guy. Ive had great things happen to me, and found reasons to be happy. I've found reasons to keep living.
my journal could be a lesson in how NOT to live between the ages of 19-21. it could be a lesson in how to screw your self over as horribly as possible... and survive to do it again. And it could be a lesson in how to enjoy the small things (like DDR and coffee) and find reasons to keep going.
Most importantly, reading everyones entries lately has led me to realize how much of the stuff people are posting about now are the same things Ive posted about before. Your tragedys today have become little bumps in my past. And i have several years and hundreds of entries of experience and advice to give.
So I thought I had my life kinda planned out, at least for the next year or so. I thought. Its kinda falling apart now though. So right now, through May 18, I'm living in a 3 bedroom house with 2 of my friends, and working 2 jobs to cover my share of the rent and utilities (about $600 a month). Starting next fall, Im hoping to start taking classes again at Champlain College in Burlington VT. My dad works there so ill get free tuition, and its close enough that i can move back home with my mom. So that just leaves a 3 month gap where I have no place to live around here yet, but im not ready to leave yet. and my search for a summer apartment isnt going well.
Paul, the new boy. I think i wrote about him a couple weeks back, the one who is also bi that i met at work. So I guess we are officially together now as of a couple weeks ago. Iwent to his house 2 saturdays ago while he was babysitting his little sisters and after they went to bed we ended up making out (and a little more) on the couch for a long time, and then a couple days later he came over to my house. And then thats it. He came over last monday, 9 days ago. I havnt gotten a chance to see him since then except for when we were working the same shift together. that doesnt really count though because we kinda have to pretend nothing is going on and i cant talk to him that much.
So i had an interesting situation to deal with recently. I swear being bi is a curse sometimes. for anyone that doesnt know, (which is probably everyone reading this) im 20. I recently met 2 people i really liked who were both 17. The 3 and 3 1/2 year age differnce never felt like anything though, i dont see age as an issue at all, like i dont pay attention to gender when it comes to dating people. (im a little drunk if im not making much sense, sorry) So anyway, I met Paul and Dodie at the same time, kinda liked both of them for a while, and could see myself dating both of them, and being equally happy with either one.
So I finally got a second job. That means i can pay all my bills from now on. It also means that instead of being too poor to have a life, ill be too busy working all the time to have one. Its at the Atlanta Bread Company, brand new restaurant opening monday in my town. The hours are going to kill me. Today i had to be there at 8 am to help unload the truck and get everything put away. It literally had everything on it, there was no food or cups or napkins or any of all the essential stuff you need to run a restaurant untill the truck came today. Between about 20 people, it took 5 hours to unload and put everything away. It was insane. Everyone was either in the way, or being told that the job they were doing was wrong, or wandering around looking for something to do.
Last night was just... random I guess. A couple days ago this girl IM'd me, saying she had seen my profile on planet out. We started talking and realized we live 2 towns away from eachother, about 20 minutes. so last night were talking on line, and eventually all we have to talk about is how we are both insanely bored and have nothing to do all night.
At this point I still didnt even know her name, but i was like, this conversation is stupid, do you wanna do something with me tonight?
My dad called me the other day, while i was in bed sick, to inform me that if I didnt come up with a way to pay my entire rent and bills on my own this month, (thats about $650) I would have to move back home. I dont think he realizes how much he would be screwing my roomates and landlord over if he actually went through with that. So Ive been out looking for a second job now, Im already working about 30 hours a week at Shaws, but thats not nearly enough to pay for everything and be able to eat and put gas in my car and all that fun stuff.
I went through a really rough period about a year ago. I was constantly high, addicted to painkillers. I managed to move on from that, primarily because the drugs were no longer availible.. I really had no other option than to get clean. I found this on my computer today, something i wrote in September, and i almost cried when i read it. I forgot how bad i had been for so long.
I saw it as being kind of hopefull in a way too. that i was able to get myslef to a better place from that. That i learned to get through the day without drugs. I hope all of you see it the same way, as an inspiration for anyone stuck where i used to be... and please, please dont think im bragging about it, I just felt like i had to share this.
I think i got a new job today!! whoo hoo, i need the money sooo bad right now. Its at Petco, this huge pet store. I had an interview and they had me fill out this survey thing and said they would call me back on monday. from the way she was asking about my schedule and availibility and describing the job, it sounded pretty good. I would be a sales clerk, out on the floor helping customers, getting the animals out for people to see, stocking shelves and stuff like that. Im just a little worried about the tarantulas... I dont want to have to touch one of them.
heard this song today and it got my attention, so i thought Id put the lyrics up for everyone...
biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...
and you might say it's self-indulgent
you might say its self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive