I'm doing pretty good right now, my weeks at First Stage was great, however my week at the Modjeska was hell. I swear, I felt more crappy in that one week than I have (and probably will) this whole summer. The only good side about the Modjeska is that I got to see some friends from school-- I haven't seen them in a while.
Ah, my weekend of rest before going back to another hectic week of working my ass off in theatre classes. then I got a week off, then my neices come down from Madison! I haven't seen them in so long, it's gonna be awesome seeing them again. One's 10 and the other one's 5. After my oldest brother (their father) died and after a year, our connections with their mother kinda went south. Lots and lots of phone tag. Finally, we've caught up and agreed on a weekend for them to come up and spend with us. This is gonna be cool! We're gonna try and make it out to the State Fair for a day and do some other fun stuff, dunno what yet. We'll see what kind of stuff they want to do, rather than plan everything and have them ride along. That's no fun.
Gahhhh.... don't get me wrong, I'm lovin my summer and all the stuff I'm doing, but I feel separate from everybody else in my group and in everything I'm doing. Besides the fact I'm the only black person in most of these cases, being a queer person doesn't help much. I know people are always saying You're not alone and it helps... until you've heard the same damn line some 20 times in the course of 1 year. That's pretty much where I am right now.
I have a rash on my thigh.
There's black nailpolish near that spot too.
It's 12:18am and I should be sleep.
To the right of me there is my magnet-metal artwork thingy.
To the left... junk.
Thanks to the lovely poll, I'm gonna start calling snakes "snakies" from now on.
My mommy's rubber duckie is on the modem.
The weeks seem to be going by faster now that I'm doing things. The weird thing was, when I got home today from Academy, I was completely drained and exhausted. And I didn't even do that much! But I couldn't even form a whole sentence, I just communicated with my mom using "Hm" and "Eh". I felt like a blob just lying on my bed... taking up precious air and space. We finally got out to Goodwill and JC Penny and I woke up a little. Now, I'm too awake to go to bed. See how that all worked out?
Here's a funny conversation I had with my mom a little while ago:
Me: (looking at a tv dinner box) I wonder why they don't have steak-fried chicken..
Mom: 'Cause you don't fry steak.
Me: But can't you just make it that way?
Mom: No. How do you cook steak?
Mom: You broil it.
Me: But then it would be steak-fried-- OH.
Jessica Simpson moment, I'm gonna have to say. But it happens to the best of us. It's not word-for-word, or else it would make better sense (although it lacked that to begin with). And so I make up for my absence here, which was because my computer decided to get sick and screw up for a while. Go Dell! I swear though, I was about to put a shoe through it in a few days.
Here's a thought: Sometimes I wish I could just go ahead and call myself a lesbian-- really anything other than bi. I don't wanna hear all these stereotypes and prejudices about bisexual people anymore. It pisses me off but, more than that, it makes me sad. Mostly cause there are people who don't think anything else than what lies they've been taught, and there are people who don't even think we exist. What the hell is that? I'm just so damn sick and tired of hearing the same shit over and over and over: bisexuals are sluts, they're confused, it's a phase, they're stupid. And even if it's not directed towards me, it still hurts!
Just some rambling I didn't wanna forget...
There's this girl I know, and she has surpassed any and all concepts I've had of beauty to date. She doesn't have the magazine "Cover Girl" looks that so many people-- including me-- try to desperately to get. Her look is jagged, rude and dark. But it pulled me in and opened my mind to actually think that she is beautiful. There hasn't been a day since I admitted that I liked her that I haven't thought she was a pretty person. I've thought that from the beginning of this school year to right now. And if I could just gaze into her blue eyes again, I'd give close to anything just for one look.
I’ve always been different. My mother, brother, friends and even teachers have reiterated time and time again that I don’t follow what the typical stereotype of my race, gender or culture has supposedly “planned
Today a friend and I decided to go to Summerfest, our state's big music festival. I probably would've enjoyed it if I was older and could really stand that loud of music (my ears aren't sensitive but DAMN!) and if I could legally drink liquor. Can't do any of those so me and my friend just walked around looking for funnel cakes. The day, all in all, was pretty good. I met up with an old friend and we spent some time catching up while my buddy hung out with his friend amongst all the other "freaks" near the rocks. Ha, believe me, next to them I look halfway normal. But I also kinda felt a loose tie between me and the other kids. Although they looked to be about my age or so, and they seemed nice (through the constant swears) I felt like even if I wanted to try and talk to them, it wouldn've happened cause I felt somewhat *inferior* to them. I know I know, baaaaad thing to think, yes, but I still felt it. And so I shied away and stuck near the only two people I knew in the area. I saw a couple of people from my school there. One girl (who I always thought was kinda cute) crossed paths with us and we smiled an honest "hello" to each other. We're a grade apart so we didn't talk much. I secretly wanted to see a guy from my school beat up this other kid for reasons I won't say, but we left before then. I'm so bad, hehe. After we left Summerfest, my friend and I walked up to the Grand Avenue mall and hung out there for a while, after which we walked to his mom's work where I was taken home.
I dunno... it seems like my whole life, I've always been told I don't act like I'm supposed to... as if there were a real concrete way to be. At an early age I learned that I had to deal with prejudice and racism simply because of how I was brought up. Yeah, I don't talk like the "normal" black people talk, nor do I dress the way or act the way they do, and due to which I'm an easy target for taunting and rude questions from little kids like, "Why do you talk like that?" "Why you act so proper?" My mom later told me it was becuase to them, I talk the way a white person would talk. I don't act their way. I act "that way" so I should be prepared to get made fun of and talked about. Huh, could you imagine how that speech would affect a 6-year-old girl surrounded by the type of peope she thought would be her life-line?
After that, I slowly started to shut myself out of going around people I thought were "like that". Ignorant, yes but I was young, ignorant, and innocent. And although I wasn't consciously thinking it, I was not gonna have all that taken away from me.
I'm 15 and trying so danm hard to figure some things out about myself... you know, like the normal "who am I" questions and "Why am I here?" wanderings. And one thing I have learned that helps me with this a lot is when I'm able to talk with other teens about what goes on with them and when I can talk to older people about the problems and triumphs they dealt with while "growing up". Now, that's great, but there's only one tiny problem... my parents! Since I'm not grown, everything has to be run by mom and dad (usually mom) and although I have gotten better at lying to them about where I go, there's only so far I can go and only so much I can deal with alone. I'm alone in this for the majority of the time. I talk to my friends and they're great but there are some times that I just wanna chat with someone who doesn't know my life and doesn't have any pre-knowledge about me whatsoever. In a lot of cases that's the only way I can get an honest answer (my friends have a tenency to lie a little, even when I ask them not to... but what can I expect? They're my friends, after all). But I can't do that, talk to new people, I mean.
Before I start I just thought I'd share this lovely conversation I had with my father. Give a read:
Mom: I'm going to the grocery store, you wanna come?
Me: Nah, I'd have to take a shower and I don't wanna
Dad: Nobody's gonna be here..
Me: I'm aware of that.
Dad: Well, somebody needs to be here..
Me: Well, I'm not going, so I would be here.
Dad: Don't talk to me like that or else you will be going!
Oh my gosh, not the grocery store! Anything but that! Okay... on a more serious note, here's the letter I wrote to myself on May 30th of this year:
School's been out for the past week (I got out on the 15th, go MPS for starting after Labor Day). And for now, I'm at home doing nothing and still coming down from my weekend at Girl Scout camp (Haha, me, a bisexual non-perverted teen spending the weekend with 50 other teenage girls... most of them mighty attractive. Shocking thing to deal with). Now I have a month before I do anything else, next up is theatre academies, which will be fun but in some cases it's meeting up with people that I'm not too fond of and meeting new people and although I am a very social person, I get kinda tired of doing that time after time. My friendship circle grows but most of these people I'll never see again, and if I do we won't talk simply cause we're aquaintances. But oh well. I got my closest friends and somewhat close friends, that's all I need really. I've decided to try and keep myself busy to also keep my mind busy so I don't stop and think about this past school-year, which was horrible, but that's mostly my fault for getting involved in crap I didn't belong in. All hail the queen of self-inflicted drama, haha.
I'm not too sure what to post on here, but I decided to write on here stuff I don't wish to write about on Xanga. I'm also trying to find someplace where I can talk about being bisexual without a whole bunch
of girls bragging about how many other girls they've kissed. For some reason, it annoys me the same way someone bragging about kissing x amount of people of the opposite sex. Maybe it's because I'm more reserved