It's literally been years since my last journal entry, and it feels a little strange being back here on Oasis. This was the place where all my anxieties about growing up into a young gay man played out. I realize how much this community of writers really helped me, and for that I am incredibly grateful.
Yes, this is the first time I've gotten the phone number of a boy I met online, so this is a milestone for me. I kept wondering what he was looking for, but he seemed to be into me, I think he's cute and funny, so I was wondering how I could move this forward...
So, we're talking online, he's being his usual cute, flirty self, and he says something that gave me an "in". It was almost 2 AM (way past my usual bedtime!), so I suppose my inhibitions were a bit lowered. I decided I would ask him if he was open to developing a relationship. He said that he would honestly love to give it a try. Then, he gave me his number. Ya!!!
OK, a quick entry here that doesn't have to do with my Internet Dating stuff.
As many of you might know, the reason I'm trying internet dating is because I'm quite sick of the "Guess-the-sexual-orientation" game. Online, there's no guesswork. Of course, online brings its own set of challenges, but those aren't what this entry's about!
It's happened again: a cool, good-looking guy at school comes along, and I turn into the "detective". He's in my Voice class. To be honest, at first I didn't think he was that attractive, but the more I got to know him... not only is he cool, but he has a beautiful smile, lovely eyes, and a nice-looking body.
In another wonderful development (to go along with New Zealand's good news), the Supreme Court of Canada has returned their non-binding decision regarding gay marriage. The Supreme Court said the Federal Government can change the definition of marriage, thus letting same-sex couples wed. Now, it won't just be a right in certain provinces (like Ontario and Nova Scotia). It will become a nation-wide right.
It has come to my attention that I have been less guarded about disclosing my sexual orientation. I take that as a positive sign that I am entering a new level of self-acceptance and comfort.
That is not to say I have been telling everybody-- far from it! There have been numerous occasions where it would have been appropriate to mention that I'm gay, but I haven't. I'm still not THAT open with it. I think that certain people need not be told. Also, I still do not have any gay mannerisms which might prompt people to ask. But, I have told three people in the last week that I'm gay, which is, for you math people, a 100% leap over who knew before. (Well, I think my math is right... 3 people who I see regularly knew before, and now 3 more people know...). And here are the lucky(?) recipients of that knowledge:
Just for my convenience mostly, I'm creating a specifc journal entry on my Internet Dating Odyssey. From there, I plan to post updates directly here as comments.
However, feel free to post your own comments on what I write here, if you feel so inclined.
Yes, I know I'm posting a lot of journal entries lately... Quite out of character for me. I see it as a good thing. Maybe I'm "getting somewhere," finally?
I'm classifying this entry as "other," because I'm not sure what it is. It's not some of my best writing. It wanders and weaves, but I still want to get it out.
I'm writing an essay for one of my Education courses, "The Adolescent and the Teacher". The topic I chose is "at-risk" youth. Specifically, I'm going to examine how sexual-minority youth can be seen as at-risk youth. My course director has already talked a bit about that, but I'm going to write a long, 8-10 page research essay on it.
Yeah, this isn't really a full journal entry. This is just a "milestone" for me, so I'm recording it in my journal.
I started last week, and I've gotten a bit of mail from local guys my age. I really hope this goes somewhere...
I'm going to send some mail now (and, yes, buy some of their credits. Oh, well. I'd have to spend money anywhere... the bar, the movie, whatever.)
Here goes nothing!
I don't write many journal entries... I notice that my last one is from the end of August. Whoa! I guess I'm lazy. It's easier to scribble my opinions on someone else's journal than to write my own thoughts.
Speaking of writing... I should be writing more of my Shakespeare essay. For those of you who don't know, I'm an English student also enrolled in a Faculty of Education (i.e. I'm a teacher candidate). I really really don't like this Shakespeare course, and I have to write an essay for it. It's on a play I like (Twelfth Night), yet I still can't stand it. I just really don't care. But, I want a decent grade, so work I will.
Yes, it seems Summer's ending. ~sigh. It's not as much fun as when you're younger. If you want to go on an out-of-the-city vacation, you have to pay for it. And that ain't cheap. I'm now working full-time, and I need that money for the year. I don't pay rent or anything, but I still need money!
As for me-- I'm OK! Work takes almost all my time now, which doesn't do anything for my social life, but the money's good. I've been seeing my friends a lot more in the last week, which is also good. Tomorrow night I go to Second City with a friend-- my birthday present from last February! I still have work during the day, though. Come labour day, I'll only work Sundays. But then school starts!
All right, I guess I'd better finish what I started in my "Part One" journal. I might not get a chance to finish it later, so now's probably the best time...
Let me finish the day first, with questions and commentary within. As I was leaving the Pride area (and "Gay Village"), I passed a "Toonie Drive" stand, and I gave two loonies. (For you non-Canadians: Loonie=One dollar coin. Toonie= Two dollar coin). After you give, they put this funny sticker on your shirt that says "Pride 04: I gave a toonie, now leave me alone!" After I left the area to get on the subway, I decided to take off the sticker. Why?!?! Is that indicative of the fact that I'm not proud of who I am, or is it simply something smart to do to keep myself from being hassled (especially since I was alone, and out of the "queer-positive" area)? I'm still not sure about that one.
Where to start? Where am I going?
...I don't know, but here goes. This is Pride week in my city, Toronto. It's now Pride weekend. Today was the "Dyke March," tommorow is the big Pride Parade. In addition, there is a big street festival in the Gay Village, with live music, food (corn on the cob!), and more.
I went, because there was a band I wanted to check out (recommended by another local band I love). Also, I thought going to Pride would be a good idea. Of course, I go alone. It's hard enough to get any of my friends to go with me to a live music concert, but I think it would be downright impossible to get them to come to a Pride show! Plus, I don't think I would want one of my straight male friends to be following me all day. Also, the topic of my (homo? bi?)-sexuality would come up, and I'm not sure I'm prepared to deal with that right now.
It's been another month since I've written a journal entry. Whatever. Do I have something to write about? Not really. That's life, right? One reason I haven't written in a while is that it seems so much quieter on the site. In his journal, someone (ReLyX, I think?) observed that fewer people seemed to be logging on. It's getting a little louder now, but I remember there being more chatter...
I think I'll just talk about gay stuff. It's more interesting for you to read, right? Plus, it's fun to write. Here I can write freely about that topic.
Actually, I never really left. I've been sporadically responding and writing, but I've decided I should give my loyal readers something to read from my actual journal. I must have loyal readers, right? Someone IS reading this stuff, right?!
Anyway, my 10-day teaching Block wrapped up last week. I taught a grade 8 unit on World War I, integrated with history. It went really well. I had fun (though I was sleep-deprived), and I got an excellent evaluation. I'm quite happy about that! I'm just going to miss everyone at the school... such great people (students, teachers, etc.)!
Remember my second-to-last entry when I talked about asking that boy to the concert who I like
both as a friend and a prospective BF (though I'm unaware of his sexual preferences)? Well, it
looks like I might not be able to go anyway! That night, my aunt is having family pictures
two days before my cousin's Bar Mitzvah! The times are inconvenient... I might not be able to go
to the show! BAH!!!! NO NO NO NO!!!!!