Fall is officially here, and it is cold gloomy and wondeful. At first I thought fall would make me miss my ex girlfriend more and more, ya know snuggling in the rain and junk, but thankfully fall has shown me how much I don't need her to enjoy my life. Instead of all that warm mushy snuggling stuff Fall has made me want to take the bus in the rain, go running, smoke cigz on my walk home, Listen to The Matches again, and smoke lots and lots of weed before in bed before sleep. Yeah some things that i like to do in fall arn't so healthy, but life seems do be a lot chiller, and at least I'm smoking less than I was last year this time.
I went to the love parade today, was quite fun. I just wish my friends weren't such weirdos who wouldn't dance with me, but it was all good. It was the first time The love parade was ever out of Berlin, so it was kinda history in the making. Cool huh? Did anyone else living in the bay area go?
I've been having a really drama filled week. Like for once in my life I'm doing well in school getting straight A's, but my girlfriend dumping me is just making me more and more depressed. Just everytime I see her (which is all the time cuz we are still close for some odd reason) I just feel like I'm slowly dying inseide. I cried on the bus on the way to the love parade, it really annoyed me that I have given her the power to make me cry on a crowded street car. I think I broke down cuz I really have nobody to talk to anymore. She is so a part of mylife that my best friend is closer with her than me, and I hate, but at the same time I'm so addicted to her I don't know how I would deal if she wasn't around.
My Girlfriend broke up with me like 2 weeks ago, the night before the first day of school. It was pretty bitchy. I'm just really confused about the entire thing. She broke up with me b/c it was getting weird and I agreed with her about that, but also because I'm one of her best friends and she thought if we continued that it would just be worse when we broke up in the future. At first I was all fine and good with this, we still hung out all the time. But then I began to freak out everytime I was with her and other people, all these memories would begin to come back to em and i would begin to cry infront of all my friends. It still hurts a lot and at frist I really didn't think I was going to feel this pain, but I do. and i spend all my time with her and she friends with all my friends. A part of me still just thinks we are together, but another part of me knows we arn't. and I just don't know how i can ever get over her if we are always together and practically going out. She's the only person I have ever loved, and I just feel so addicted to her, like i can't stand to not be with her, but when I'm with her a lot of the time I'm miserable.
Everyone everywhere go see Garden State right away, what an amazing movie!
Gah I can't stop thinking about it, I just can't explain what I love so much about it, and I think thats what I love, that it is unexplainable.
I knew this was going to happen. For some odd reason I thought maybe when I got off the plane you would amazingly be waiting. I knew it would never happen, not because logistiacally(?) you couldn't me being in San Frnacisco and you in Sweden. But even if you had been home I know you wouldn't have been waiting.
I knew when I came back from Africa I would miss you more than I'd ever missed someone, but I had no idea it would be this painful. This fake, I can't even tell if you care at all anymore. I can sense the end is coming and I hate it. I'm so fucking addicted to you, I just can't stop loving you, even when I don't want to anymore. I'm always going to love you, I wonder if you ever actually did love me? Was it all a lie, nothing could have been this perfect I guess.
I walked around the mission. I ate my burrito. I went to King's Bakery even bought that sugary thing that you really liked. I walked by the photo store, and I swear I could almost see you in it, getting your picture taken. I walked by the burrito place where we sat and listened to music, you stayed completly cool while I was freaking out. It was almost as if I went to all these places so just maybe I could see you, just mayeb you would be there. I guess I knew you wouldn't be, but a part of me thought maybe going to all these places would somehow bring you to me or something. Like I was searching for you, eventhough your half way across the world.
My girlfriend(Dani) just left for Sweden/New Castle for two months today. I miss her already, pretty pathetic. She's going to visit her family. Her dad and two lil brothers live in Sweden and her uncle lives in New Castle and thats where her mom grew up. I just wish I could be there with her. So she wouldn't have to cry alone on the plane like she has since she began flying alone at age 6. Ever since we started dating almost 6 months ago, she has been my world. We becam inseperable, and now with her gone I feel so alone. I don't know what to do and I keep on trying to remember what I used to do before we started going out, but I can't remember becasue most of the time I was stoned of my ass at school, but a lot of the time she was stoned of her ass at school with me.
Somthing about December juts makes me depressed. Nothing is as much fun anymore. This is exactly like last year and I'm so afraid that I will fuck up more and everythig will be like last year. Maybe the whole trasition from a school where I was out to everyone, to where I am now where I keep this secret to myself and a few others. It scares me how much I've changed since I started HS. I'm getting much more depressed than last time and I know only bad can come of it. Instead of cutting which is how i dealt last year now I just party my sadness away and i know it is bad, but I'm just so lost. I just don't feel like I even have friends who really care anymore and it makes me sad. It makes me really sad, I just feel so stuck and alone.
I havn't written anything on here in months, not since last May I think. I'm not sure why I stopped writting here, I think I thought I had moved on, but here I am again. Maybe it is all the changes recently in my life that has brought me back here, I think I just need a place to speak where people actually listen and won't just blow me off, and for the most part this is the perfect place for that!
I love cool breezes
Sunlight and open windows
I love how crystals blanket empty spaces with little glowing specks of rainbows
I love the way bubbles float and fly away
I love the way a smile can brighten a day
I love dancing in the rain
Watching drops of water slide down beaming faces
I love how dancing can set a soul free
I love how hours feel like minuntes
And how being with the person
only like 5 more days! ahhh i can't believe this!! this is so awsome! i am so excited,hehe! ONLY 5 DAYS!!
I just need to scream, just to let all the anger and sadness out.
How can they treat me like this? Why do i let them get to me? Maybe they are right?
I feel like shit everyday because of them, i am afriad to go to school. some days i just can't face em. I can never let my gaurd down anymore, i can't relax anymore, not even for a second. I just really need to scream right now
We spent the whole day running around the city, holding hands, dancing in the streets, singing for peace. It was so awsome. She is so amazing, the thought of her makes me melt. I can't even think of a better day to have. we went on the swings in the rain at dolores park, so we got to listen to all the protestors too! we marched all the way from Civic Center to the park in the rain, just me and her.
I went for a run today, not for exercise or anything like that. I ran to escape. To escape from myslef, my fears. I ran from tomorrow i ran from tomorrow. I just ran to escape it all, so i could feel alive. The cold wind hitting your face, the kind of wind that makes your eyes water and makes your body burn. What could make you feel more alive than feeling your whole body burn, your eyes water and your heart beat? Running is kind of like being in love. When you are in love her words sends chills down your spine and your heart beat fast. When you are in love everything is magical, everything is so exciting. You feel so alive and you don't ahve to run from anything anymore. love is an endless run.
every raindow bracelet i have ever owned has broken