I want to be the girl your parents will use
as a bad example of a lady
I want to be the dyke who likes to fuck men
I want to be the politician who never lies
I want to be the girl who never cries
I want to go down in history
in a chapter marked miscellaneous
because the writers could find
no other way to categorize me
In this world where classification is key
I want to erase the straight lines
i hate all the bullshit that comes along. if i hadnt been drunk i wouldntve kissed him, if he hadnt understood it was a one nite thing i wouldntve spoken to him again if he hadnt been an msn i wouldntve got to know him we wouldntve gone out if i hadnt been an idiot it couldve worked if i hadnt been so fucking self destructive or if he hadnt been so innocent-and when i say innocent i mean immature-then i wouldnt be grinding my teeth-biting back tears because i dont wanna fucking be that damsel in distress anymore. i dont want to cry coz i believed pretty lies of him maybe liking me, maybe finding me beautiful even. and becoz im easily swayed to fall, and convinced myself to like him-too much. looking at poems i wrote when we first got together, where all i wanted was a girl to hold-and he was my lie. crying most every time after he left my house coz it all left me so empty-but i love the way i have this brilliance that sweeps all that under my everything so im crying now because i dont want to be alone.
it all goes down hill from here. my brothers gotten himself into some heavy stuff. im not sure. and there i was giving him the money to buy..wateva it is. i just thought it was a go out and party, pop a pill sort of habit he was in to. only last night he was supposed to come over. for my mums birthday. and he never did. he sent my mum an sms saying hed be there...and when she called, he didnt even know she was talking about. he had no fuckng clue. apparently he was completely out of it, probably not even aware it was her birthday.
and again with the asking of, seriously, when did i become this girl?
i feel so fucking beautiful. which is new. the boy im seeing at the moment was the first person to ever tell me i was beautiful. which is pretty fucking pathetic given my lists and lists of boys of the past. but the thing is suddenly im everyones beautiful. this girl im getting to know and her boyfriend make me feel so incredible, like maybe i am special. and they r the most beautiful couple ive ever met, so for them to find me so, means the world to me. is it possible to have a crush on a couple? cause i swear i do. actualy im crushing her whole scene, just because everyone is so laid back and theres no inhibitions. what they say is what they mean, and i love that, i just get so sick of everyone being so god damn polite and fake all the time. and theyre all so open- i had the most amazing conversation with her boyfriend about sexuality, he shares the exact same views i do. and then his friend added in ever so tactfully 'getting off is getting off, who cares if its a guy or a girl' hehe. and i love that.
when did i become this girl? i spent so long disgusted by cheating and dishonesty, and here i embark on an affair..well so to speak. i love the word affair though i must admit. the little connotations of one word that make everything seem hot, naughty and some kind of wonderful. well maybe its just her that seems like that.even her sms's are sexy. and im too stupid and caught up in the fact that she could still be interested in me to delete them.
so after a very long time of boy filled life...things are finaly looking up. ok so maybe im not a very good girl to keep getting with girls when i have a kind of boyfriend. but hey, i figure i might as well live up to the promiscuous bi stereotype. i really could not be bothered going into details. but lets just say i met a girl...and proceeded to have a whole lot of fun with her in the bathroom of a club.
It is clear...our prime minister is a complete fool. and the fact that both the liberal AND labour party supports these ridiculous views.. i am so embarrased.
heres part of a transcript of an interview with lil' johnny howard...fuck him.
If consenting homosexual adults want to get married, why not?
Because the common understanding in our society of a marriage is a union between a man and woman and it has over centuries acquired a special status in our society, primarily but not only of course for the having of children and the rearing of children. I’m not suggesting that everybody who gets married must have children. I’m not saying that at all. But it is seen as the bedrock institution. It’s seen of a union of a man and a woman and that ought to be entrenched in law.
last night on my way home i got the usual toots and whistles from a passing car. god am i sick of that shit, mostly cause i really dont understand it. *clearly* you'll get laid if u scream obscenities at a stranger across the street. that makes *perfect* sense. so i flung my middle finger in the air -a reflex reaction as of late- and the P platers yelled out 'you fucking dyke!' and i burst in to tears. granted, i had consumed a hell of a lot of alcohol and hence was rather sensitive to unnecessary displays of emotion, but it stung none the less. and a few seconds later i was wishing id screamed back at them 'yes, i do like girls, what the fuck is your point!' but i was too taken a back (especialy when they added 'you know you want it in the ass!'...charming.) not only at their abuse but at my reaction. i wish i didnt let that shit get to me. its stupid i know, because hey, they originaly thought i was hot! hehe, but still. i just dont understand the mentality of someone that uses words like dyke as insult. that by screaming that at me, im suddenly less of a woman or something? well screw that. next time i will yell back. ill shout out, ill scream as loud as i can...well, maybe...maybe, next time.
i wish i could just tell my parents i was gay. only im not gay, im bisexual and even though thats something ive understood for a very long time, and its something almost everyone i know (and some i dont) are aware of, i just cant bring myself to tell my parents. my mother. who would parade me around as the perfect product, a symbol of her feminazi crap-or send me off to a shrink, deciding i was too young to ever know. it would be easier for me if i was gay,if it was something absolute, because then it wouldnt just be construed as confusion. as promiscuity. the funny thing about that is, my sexuality is the only absolute truth in my life. i know, that i am capable of love. that men
i find im fairly self destructive when it comes to relationships. i think i just put myself in a position where either it was never going to work out in the first place, or never can even start, on purpose. string of casual sex, and a boy typical of my taste. a guy who i was first with a couple of weeks a go, knowing full well, he'd be leaving tomorrow. that was the beauty of it. it HAD to be purely sex, it meant there would be no 'what does it all mean' crap, and now after days of wrestling with the issue just before he leaves, i realise i really like him. and i wasnt sure if i was capable of liking a guy.
and last night-finaly-a revelation. about two minutes after fucking a friend of mine (male)..."oh my god! im not a lesbian!"
probably for the first time all week i hadnt been stressing (unnecessarily) over my undefinable sexuality. i feel so much more clearer about myself now. because i didnt sleep with him to prove anything, or cause i felt i should..just cause...hell, i wanted to. and then we talked about my silly issues and yes, my 'preference' is with women (it never occured to me that that term, sexual preference has never really denoted that you only like one sex) but men are definitely still there. yay for my new and improved understanding of self (which is exactly as it was before i got confuzled for no reason)!
I never usualy whinge or whine on this site. For some reason (it seems to me) ive managed to get away with not showing my 'teen angst' self. well fuck that, i just burst into tears in the middle of class, then walked home crying. im just so violently confused.
i have never doubted my sexuality. i have never had a problem with it, if anything i always wished i was gay-er. i wanted to be different. special. noticed. and everyone always knew i liked girls, and they also knew i liked boys and i have never been faced with a problem because of that. the boys often get a little too excited for my liking, but mostly its been fine. and now ive got this shit (wow, my phrasing is so elequent) running through my head that questions everything. tomorrow i have sociology tutorial where we're supposed to discuss, who we are. all to do with individualism and this necessity to know the self. well i dont know who i am. not uncommon, no doubt, but it scares the hell out of me. not just in terms of my sexuality, i mean, in general, but all of a sudden my sexuality is being throw into it as well. the one thing ive always been sure of.
training shift today and my feet hurt. i really dont think im meant to be a waitress. does that indirectly mean that im not meant to be an actor? hehe no, maybe it means im not meant to be a struggling, waitress of an actor. damn straight.
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last night i with out with my friend (who i *cough*was with last weekend*cough*) and we ran into some people i knew. 'r u on a DATE?!' was whispered excitedly into my ear. in a way its pretty cool, cause i never wouldve imagined people saying something like that to me if i was out with a girl usualy. and, ok, at the same time it was pretty patronising, and we WERENT on a date, but..hmm actualy i dunno wat i think of it. then me and said girl pretended to be a couple when we were walking back to mine, which wierdly enough caused quite a stir. someone actualy took our picture. which i guess would make sense if we were passionately making out (hehe making out..i love that term) but we were like just holding hands or something innocent.
Apparently people are talking about me, asking 'the question'. is she or isnt she? it shows at least how great my best friend is-who finds it hilarious that others would bother. cause she really doesnt give a damn whether i like guys or girls. 'i dont get why the hell they even care!' she said 'it doesnt matter!' personaly i find it pretty funny too. cause as this lesbian im now percieved to be, i get a hell lot more hetro sex than anyone else i know.
havent written for a while it seems. not that ive not had anything to say, justtrying to work out how to phrase it all. and it all seems so nothing anyways. but..none the less...i find some pleasure in talking about myself and knowing other people might read it. like masturbation...well no, not at all like masturbation really. but arent analogys fun?
anyhoo in all my sluttiness of self i actualy hadnt been with a girl since i was 13 (the masses of men took up too much already), until the weekend that is. ive written about her before, this girl, who i just became friends with, but wasnt sure if maybe there was more? well whether this is it or not, we were together. it took a lot of coaxing for me to be ok with being with her actualy, cause i didnt wanna be made a fool of. and she was drunker than i and i was convinced shed look back the next morning in a hungover state, and things wouldnt be the same with us. but im weak, and she sobered a bit, and...well i couldnt help myself. but the next morning, instead of that mild wierdness you get with friends, that 'what does it all mean?' wierdness, if anything, we were closer than before. and then that night we were together again heehee. now, maybe 5 days (?) on from the first encounter and ive seen her everyday since (which couldnt really be helped over the weekend cuase we were on camp together..not relevant she COULD have avoided me) and its great. we can talk about it with about being shy, or it having any connotations on our relationship. and ive no clue what the future holds for us, or even what i would want it to. but who cares, im happy. :)