I have come to realize that I am still in love with my best friend Laura... I've been in love with her all year, but she's not gay, she's not straight, she's "undefined." and she doesn't feel the same way about me, and when I told her that I'm still in love with her, she didn't seem to believe me. So yes, this is great. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this, plus the fact that I am sometimes looking at guys? I want to fuck my boss, but I thought I was gay? What the hell?
No, I'm not new here. I've been around here for quite a while, I guess I just am not here all the time and I sometimes go a long time without logging onto Oasis...
Well, I have this dilemma. I supposedly am a lesbian, but I like my boss... He's 23, I'm 18, and I find him cute in a dorky way. I like him to the point where I have said, "I want to bang (insert his name here)" to my friends that I can be totally open and honest with. I also have been looking at other boys recently and thinking they were cute. I'm so fucking confused now...
I'm currently in a downward spiral. Read about it in my livejournal at:
I definitely relate to this song right now...and I've had it on repeat since Saturday.
Woo! Go Day of Silence on Wednesday! I'm not talking, and if the dean at my school gives me shit, oh well, fuck her!
"Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson
Seems like just yesterday
I know I haven't updated in a long time. I don't know why, I guess I have these periods of going to this site, and then not coming back for a long time. Anyway, Laura and I are still only friends, which is better than me not being able to have her at all. I still am totally in love with her. I miss her right now, though she is online and we are chatting via AIM. (I also am extremely horny and am probably scaring her...lol!) I didn't get to see her today, and I won't be able to see her tomorrow either.
I'm sure many of you have read this poem. I'm putting it here because I love it, and because I'm doing an analysis of the imagery in it. So if any of you want tohelp, feel free. I like poetry and all, but I pretty much suck at interpreting it.
"The Tyger" by William Blake
Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
My internet died this weekend. I couldn't go to any websites, but I could sign onto AIM and Yahoo messenger... How does that make any sense? It's still not fixed, but we found a way around it. We also discovered that our computer has 4 (yes, 4!!!!) trojans on it. So yeah, I haven't been able to check my e-mail or update because of mother fucking bastards who make up computer viruses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have an overnight retreat (I go to a Catholic school) to go to today. It is with my senior class (high school), and my classmates are a bunch of bitchy, self-centered, ignorant assholes. I am scared, most likely because I don’t know what will happen, and the fact that I may get slightly homesick, which never happens to me. Other things are the fact that there could be violence, so I asked my theology teacher the other day if there were locks on the doors to the rooms.
Never purposely stay up almost all night unless you absolutely have to... I had to do homework last night, and then write letters to my friends for retreat Thursday-Friday. I finished my homework between 12 and 1, but then I wrote five letters... My parents get up every morning at 2:45 for their paper route, so I had to turn off my light and listen to see if they were coming upstairs or near my room.
I know most of you appreciate the holiday, but I do not. If you like it, and are offended by me saying screw Valentine's Day, you best stop reading now. I don't want to have to deal with a bunch of angry people. I am allowed to express my opinion if I damn well want.
Valentine's Day sucks. Why? Because it's too commericalized. It's only one day out of the year where people show that they love or care for others. We should show it more often than on this holiday! Love is not all about chocolate, teddy bears, or cards. It's about caring for someone unconditionally, even with their faults, and being there for them when they need you.
Today was cool. I got to wear my BGSU football hoodie, since it was college hoodie day. In theology we did a meditation thing, and we got to lay on the floor. My teacher said that it was okay for us to fall asleep, which we all did. It was nice to take a nap. I woke up and was drooling, my eye was watering, and my left hand was asleep since I had my head on it. It was funny when we woke up though, since Miss Kirschner had left the room, and we didn't even hear her leave. Miss Thomas came by and wanted to know what we were doing, since the room was dark and we were all sleeping on the floor. Yeah, that was great. :-)
Melissa did a tarot card reading for me today. It didn't turn out that great. It said that Laura most likely doesn't feel the same way about me. It also said that I will go through difficult things, and there will be self-destructive behavior involved. At the end though, I will be a stronger, better person because of it. It was a little disappointing, but I suppose it's correct. I should probably
My poor baby wasn't feeling well yesterday. She was tired, and had cramps and she's sick on top of that. She told me this via text message. She then sent another one and said to ignore her, and that she shouldn't be complaining. I felt so bad for her... I told her that if I could, I'd cuddle with her to make her feel better. The poor thing. I love her so. We haven't really "talked" talked in a long time.
I'm still sick. I guess I must have sounded awful this morning because my mom asked if I wanted to stay home. I couldn't though, since I had an analysis test, and because of my appointment, which Laura is going to, and if I didn't go to school, I wouldn't be able to go to the concert tonight. I can't wait to go! I don't care if they're local bands and I've never heard of them, I didn't know of half the people I listen to now when I was a sophomore. Oh, and the Sisters of Charity fucked my school over. The Lakewood grade schools will be taking over the building... Unless of course we do something about it!
I am tired. And I am sick. I was also dragged down to Sr. Pat's office this morning after I gave Miss Jelen the pencil sharpeners I took apart to get the blades. I hope I don't end up going to the psychiatric hospital again... I really don't want to go back.
I am currently in keyboarding, and shouldn't be writing this. I should be working on my table assignments in Word, so that I don't get too far behind again. Luckily I finished my power point presentation during fourth period. Laura is in my keyboarding class, and I sit right behind her. I am able to touch her, I play with her hair, or occasionally poke her. I sometimes also get caught up in watching her... Like now, I just keep looking away from the screen and what I am typing and look at her. Granted it's not her face, but I still stare at her. Lovely, she just turned around and looked to see what I was doing. I hope she didn't see what I was writing, not that it would scare her, at least I don't think it would. Yes, my thoughts are quite weird and off during this class. I was staring at her, and her legs... And then I caught my eyes traveling from her calf to her thigh... *Blushes* My beautiful friend is talking to me now, telling me how evil chemistry is, since she was just doing a worksheet. It isn't like her to not do her keyboaring assignments. The only time she won't do them is if she wants to write me a note in our notebook. As I wrap this up, since we only have five minutes left of class, she is writing back to me in the journal. I wonder what she will say, and when she is actually going to call me and we'll finally have our talk. Damn, caught by the teacher. That and Laura tried to read what I was writing. She told me to write that she says hi.