Yup, that'll be my excuse until they heal. All, who knows how many, cuts on my right forearm. I took a blade last night when I was in the shower, and made one cut, and then just went crazy... Laura wanted proof, so I had to roll up my sleeve and show her after school. We are going to be having a talk sometime tonight, and I am a little nervous about that. I hope she doesn't try to tell my parents, because I'll end up in a psychiatric hospital again, but this time for more than 23 hours. I'd rather not go back.
This/These ____ is/are going to be deep...
Nicole doesn't want to be close to anyone ever again. Therefore, she is no longer best friends with Kirsten or me.
It hurts so bad.......
I typed this all out in an entry after midnight when I got home, but my fucking computer froze, so I lost it. I am still pissed, so do me a favor and don't say anything about bad grammar or spelling mistakes. I normally am OCD about my journal entries, and spell check them numerous times before I post them. Also, this may seem more like a journal entry at times, and at other times it may seem more like a rant. Deal with the fact that I put it as a rant, I don't need people jumping down my throat about stupid shit like that.
Okay, now, most friends of mine at school know that I am gay. My two best friends, Kirsten and Nicole know, and they constantly are making fun of me, but in a friendly, teasing sort of way. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, and sometimes it does. I know that they are just teasing, but it hurts sometimes. Like today, they said (I) "was going to fuck Laura." That is not true. Laura does not feel the same way, and I am not like that. Even though I told them it wasn't true, they still insisted.
Winter Formal is tomorrow night. I am still having the mixed feelings about wanting to go, and not wanting to go. My brother is going to be there with his girlfriend, and I am going to be there with friends, though Nicole and Kirsten encouraged me to ask Laura to go to the dance with me. But anyway, I am going to be acting like my normal "flamer" self. I guess it is quite obvious that I am gay, since today at lunch, Laura and Kristin both said that they knew I was gay before I knew...
This Friday is Winter Formal at my school. I am looking forward to it, since my “dates
Well, midterms are over. Thank god. Today I had government, which was pretty easy. I'm sure I passed it. I got a C on my analysis final, and I have a D for first semester, since I had an F for first quarter, and I got a C- for second quarter. I know that I passed my Bio. II final, since she graded them when we were in there. I'm sure I did fine on the playing exam, and I hope I did okay on keyboarding.
I, again, should be studying for finals, but am choosing not to. Perhaps I will in a little bit... I only have one final tomorrow, which is government. Kirsten and Nicole don't have to take it because they are exempt. I am not exempt because I got lazy and decided not to do many of the assignments. I am now suffering the consequences...
I had my band playing exam today, and my keyboarding exam. Band was okay, I screwed up the Ab (the "b" stands for flat) major scale though... I also screwed up the one song because of the damn Db's. In keyboarding, the dean, Mrs. Marsilio, was the "proctor," since Mrs. Barry is still in Maine. Lucky us... -___-
I should be studying/practicing for my finals, but I really don't want to right now... This is a lovely song, and I started really listening to it when Laura and I had our two arguments in the past few days.
"Take It All Away" by Ryan Cabrera
So much beauty in life
Shining on the outside
Empty on the inside
I get lost sometimes
Blinded by the flashing lights
Distractions always in my eyes
Let's see, I worked basically all weekend. I saw "Meet the Fockers" with Laura on Saturday night after I got off. I had an indoor soccer game at 6p.m. on Sunday, and we lost to Brooklyn 5-2. Monday I woke up and could barely move, since I pulled many muscles in my back. I then had to go play a soccer game at 1:30... We tied Open Door Christian Academy 3-3. We so should have won, since we killed them in outdoor.
Yes, the school is closing, but parents have ideas, and are putting them into action. Money was donated in front of Sr. Cynthia, and she just walked out. Hopefully we can save the school…
We got out of school early today. I, of course, was hanging out with Laura, since I had to take the bus home because Kirsten is in Oregon. We roamed the hallways before migrating to the cafeteria. On the way in, since she was walking all weird, kind of sexy like, I slapped her ass, and then ran in the cafeteria to talk to our friends. I also was latched onto her back and had my arms around her neck and was just hanging on her. I was making us sway back and forth too. I loved that. It was great, she didn't even tell me to get off until we had to leave to get to the bus stop. I wanted to kiss her so bad, but I didn't. I should have though.
As I sit here transposing my school's Alma Mater from a Bb instrument's music to my C concert instrument, I think about what is happening tonight...
I have my first session of the self-injury group that my counselor asked me to be in. It is a "get to know each other" thing this week. All the parents and kids will be together, and we have to do "ice breakers." I was excited for it, but now I am nervous.
"Be With You" by Enrique Iglesias
Monday night, and I feel so low,
I count the hours, but they go so slow.
I know the sound of your voice, can save my soul.
City lights, the streets are gold.
Looked down my window to the world below.
Move so fast, but it feels so cold
And I am all alone,
Don’t let me die, I’m losing my mind,
Baby, just give me a sign.
And now that you’re gone,
Saint Augustine Academy may be closing. My class may be the last one to graduate from here.
We will have no Alma Mater to visit. I may never be able to see my favorite teachers ever again.
The juniors are upset, next year would be their last year here, and now they may not be able to stay. Laura is here on financial aid and scholarships, so she may be screwed. God, this is horrible.
They are fucking assholes. Why does the Mother Superior have to do this? I hope she knows she will be getting many questions, and may even possibly be physically attacked (by me or other people) when she comes to talk to us next week.
Can you believe it? She (Laura) asked me these questions because we were talking about how I want her to be my girlfriend and what not...
1. What does love mean to you?
2. What does it entail?
3. What should come out of this?
And I basically know how I am going to answer them, but different view points are always appreciated.