My mood stabilizer isn't working. That's why I've been feeling like shit lately. That's why I've wanted to cut so much. I need it changed back. I told Laura today that I'd rather be fat and in a happier and slightly unhappy about my weight than skinnier and depressed. It's true. Yup, definitely need to get the mood stabilizer changed back soon. I don't want to end up back in the psychiatric hospital...
I took some more quizzes since I had nothing better to do tonight (early this morning). I had no one to talk to all night. I should have just stayed later at work. Laura was on for about twenty minutes last night (early this morning). She said she most likely would not be able to do something with me today. So I guess I'm going to be staying home and doing homework, relaxing, and then possibly taking a nap.
So, I don't remember exactly what time I went to bed, though I believe it was sometime after 1:30. I woke up around 12, because I heard the Lakewood's noon bell thing go off. I then went back to sleep, and then didn't get up until 1.
It was snowing when I woke up today. I've only been up since 1, so I don't know exactly how long it was snowing. I hate snow. I hate winter. I don't like cold weather at all. I'm a hot/warm weather girl. I don't like being trapped inside the house all day long. Fortunately it's only snowed twice, on Thanksgiving, and today. (That I remember, anyway.) This is probably going to cause us to have a horrible winter now. Oh yay. -__-
Another shitty day. Blech. -__- Kirsten and Nicole were stressed all day because of fucking yearbook and the whole god damn senior class and Miss Kirschner criticizing them and complaining about them.
I hate them all. I wanted to kill all of those assholes today.
Dr. Sidoti wasn't here in the morning for the band picture. Lovely. Oh, and Margaret was absent today. -__-
I hate people.
Never again will I say or write to a girl, "You are pretty and funny and smart and yay! I love you! Will you be my girl friend?"
Never again will I love. It hurts far too much.
I cannot believe my stupidity or foolishness. I cannot believe I let myself hold on this long. I thought I knew better and was smarter than this.
Why the hell was I so stupid? What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I let this happen to myself?
I love Laura. I wish I could have her... I love her so much. I wish that we could just try. I know it's not fair to her though, since I can't force someone to love me.
Would have kissed her this morning, but I got to school later than I wanted to. -__- Damn it. I need to do it sometime soon.
Argh! I LOVE THAT GIRL!
Okay, I loved how it rained all day, until god knows when. Fortunately it wasn't raining when we got out of school. It was actually pretty nice out. It was only partly cloudy. Then around 4:40, it got dark, and it started pouring down rain... It let up after about five minutes, and the sun sort of started to come out again, but then it started to get dark, so it didn't really do much.
Hmm, yeah, I didn't do much after school. I didn't study for the government quiz I have tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be studying tonight during band, when I get home, and during homeroom and third period study hall tomorrow.
Feel numb, feeling oh so very numb. I'm here, but I'm numb. Mrs. Barry was pissed that Margaret and I came late from band again, but it wasn't really our fault. We got the Peterson nuts today, and it took a while for us to make sure that we all got the correct items. I got a little mad about that, but otherwise it didn't really affect me. Like I said, I'm just feeling so numb. This is never good...
Since I worked from 9:15-2:15 yesterday, I was able to see Laura. We went to Wal-mart and Great Northern mall after my mom and I picked her up from SAA at 3.
It was sort of a bad idea to go to Wal-mart, because it was insanely crowded there. People kept stopping and getting in the way. It is so annoying when they do that. I am never going to Wal-mart before Christmas again.
The mall was sort of bad too. It was crowded in Hot Topic, and Spencer's. There were preps in Hot Topic, which was pissing me off, but I told Laura that we were going to leave and come back.
Tired, and still sick. I was going to stay home from my class tonight, but my dad said that I should just go. I don't know if I'd make it through it though, even if we're only there for a little bit.
I want to talk to Laura. I'm lucky she's forgiven me for Saturday. I just need to get the guts to kiss her. Hmm, maybe I will tomorrow after school... We do get out early...
I'm leaving now, I n
all i wanted,
was just one more minute,
or even just a few seconds,
so i could have put my perfect "plan"
i was so close this time,
there was no turning back.
but you said, "you're acting like an idiot,"
and got out of the car.
i was so close this time,
i would have done it,
if you had given me just one more minute.
but that chance is gone now,
and there may never be another one,
I know what's going on. All the signs point to me being:
And I don't seem to have a problem with it. I think I was just in shock last night. Go me! I'm not bi. I'm a lesbian!
I might be a lesbian. I have the signs... Fuck. I didn't need this on Thanksgiving...
I am xx1stars1xx, and Elysium821 is Laura, the girl I am in love with.
Elysium821 (1:51:33 AM): okay i'm back to the land of the living
Elysium821 (1:51:41 AM): sorry i had to write that
xX1 stars 1Xx (1:51:49 AM): hey beautiful
Elysium821 (1:51:50 AM): call it a sudden writing urge
Elysium821 (1:51:55 AM): lol
I've been sitting on the computer for five hours and forty-five minutes, and it has been raining the entire time. I've IMed maybe two people. I've also talked to my brother, since he was leaving to go to his friend's house, and I've also talked to my mother and Kirsten on the phone. It's sad when the only thing a person does all day after they get up is sit on the internet. Oh well, I have no life.
Sorry to everyone for the entry that I posted yesterday. I don't know what I was thinking. Feel free to IM me and yell at me for that one. I feel horrible for what I did.