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gay marriage ban

I heard about it passing in eight states around 2:30 this morning. Woke up, and it was eleven states. I printed out the information someone posted in the gaystr8alliance community at livejournal.com. I showed it to my friend, and cried. I cried most of the day. I had study hall during third period (homeroom is counted as second period at my school) which is from 9:12-9:52, and that was the worst. I kept listening to "Anywhere" by Evanescence over and over again.

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argument

Well, she didn't mean anything by saying "mischievous smirk" when I asked about me kissing her in the conversation I posted. She said that I assumed, which was a bad idea. She doesn't feel the same way. She's thinking it over(?) or maybe not, I'm not sure, and she probably doesn't like me as more than a friend.

We got into an argument since I was pissed and saying shit I shouldn't have said. She says I need to start going forward, and I should come to her when I'm ready. I cried, of course, about that and the fact that she doesn't like me "that way."

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hurts so bad

I want her so bad... It hurts that I can't have her. Well, she and I both have no idea if we'll ever be together. If you read my last entry that has the conversation between us in it, you'll see that she says she likes me, but she isn't really sure. She's confused at this point on what her feelings for me are. I swear she likes me, I know it. We'd be so great together. Our friend Kristin told me that we'd make a cute couple...

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I had another chance...

Yeah, so Laura and I saw "Taxi" last night at 9:50. It was quite amazing that she was allowed to go, since we planned it at the last minute, and it was a late movie. I had many chances to kiss her, but I couldn't do it. I don't know why.

Want to hear something funny? After I went to sleep Friday night (early Saturday morning) I had a dream in which I kissed many people I thought were hot. The last person I kissed was my friend Kirsten. Mind you, I had a little crush on her at the end of last year, but I don't anymore. She also was questioning her sexuality, but then discovered she is straight. So yeah, that was a scary dream... I'm being mocked...

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I am such a wimp

Yeah, last night was the Halloween dance. Laura said her dress was really weird looking, and low cut, but I didn't imagine it to look like it did. It was so hard for me to keep my hands off her at the dance. She was sooooo hot! I almost fucking kissed her at the dance where anyone, including teachers and my enemies, could have seen. It was okay, although my friend Kristin brought her friend (who is bi) to the dance, and she definitely was flirting with Laura, and at one point rubbed up against her...

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oh wow, haven't been this nervous in a while

Thank you to all who have given me advice.

The last time that I was this nervous was when I decided I was going to ask my ex-boyfriend out (I'm bi).

Anyway, if you've read any of my previous entries or the forum topic "should I kiss her," then you would know that I've been debating whether or not to kiss the girl I am in love with.

I have finally made my decision, after receiving advice from numerous people; two of my non-gay friends, and the rest from people here at oasismag.

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an entry about love? what a surprise! (not!)

I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing this, especially Laura, but this is my journal. Maybe I should have titled this "An Ode To Laura" or something like that...

I still am in love with her. I love her. I would do anything for her. I wish that I could have her, but I know that I never will. I need to do something, something to show her. She says she doesn't feel the same way about me. I really don't think I can believe that sometimes.

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random crap

Okay, this weekend was work, stay up very late on AIM talking to Laura, work, mall with Laura. I had much fun with that, since I could be myself, and not have to worry about what people think of me and the way I was asking. After I got home from the mall, Laura and I chatted on the internet some more, and then on the phone. On Sunday, I worked, did chores and homework, and then went and visited my grandparents.

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and I go back down...

Laura does not like me as more than a friend. She wrote me another e-mail and said that she was sorry if she confused me and that she played with my head. She also said that she thought it might be best if we took a break from seeing each other (no, we're not dating, we're just friends). She said she didn't really want to, and she knew I wouldn’t; yet she said it was up to me. I felt bad after I got the e-mail because maybe I was being an ass and just thinking that she sort of liked me in that way or whatever.

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I know I just posted

I know I just posted, but I decided that I needed to put in a real entry.

The girl I love (Laura, the one I've talked about in every journal entry I've made) knows me, and knows that I like her. I originally thought she was straight, but it turns out she's pretty sure she's gay, but she won't "set anything in stone" because "definite things are dangerous." I thought she liked me, but she told me she didn't, but she sometimes acts like she does. I have no idea what to think anymore. She wrote me an email last night in which she stated that she wanted to say something, but didn't know what to say. She then went on and said "There's so much I feel I should tell you, and so little I can't because I myself don't understand the fierceness of it all. What am I doing? You don't know and I don't know... I think I'd better leave you alone sometime soon. I'm no upset at you for whatever you might have said or feel or have voiced to me. I'm glad you're comfortable enough to share these things. Lord knows I'm not. Well, I just want to say thanks and leave you with a few words of advice: Stop blaming yourself and get on with life."

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a poem I wrote (I'm horrible at writing poems, so don't expect too much)

"Change for the Worse"

Everything is changing,
changing all around me,
yet things are staying the same,
more than ever.

I want things to change,
I really do,
but the things that are changing
are the things that shouldn't.

Friends change,
take a turn for the worse.
I never wanted
them to have this curse.

Ignorance, intolerance, prejudice, stupidity,
are my enemies’ games.

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wow, I hope I never do that again...

I was talking to Laura on the phone earlier, and she discussed getting her hair cut, Mind you, her hair is quite long, and is curly. She asked me what my opinion on that was. I told her that if she got her hair cut, then I'd cry. It's probably true, her hair is so pretty. When I told her I'd cry if she got her hair cut, she started laughing and said I was cute. -__- LOL! I would cry though...

Then she started discussing getting contacts. She said she'd look weird without her glasses. I told her I'm sure she wouldn't.

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from 10/12/04

I still have feelings for Laura. I don't know why, since I can never be with her, never have her. It just makes me more depressed. I just can't seem to let her go.

This isn't as bad as it was for the past two years, since I now accept my sexuality and have come out to a significant amount of people.

I don't know why I can't let her go. Maybe it's because it seems to me that she is occasionally flirting with me. Maybe it's because of this other reason, which I can't say and wouldn't say on the internet.

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"You have to specify a valid title" my a**! What if I don't want to?!

I'm doing well. My girlfriend and I broke up. I don't remember if I wrote that before or not. I'm doing okay with it. She was at first, I don't know how she is now, since I've been away for a week.

If I posted my story on here before, I have a crush on my friend Michelle again. I got so close to kissing her over the past week... We shared a bed too! (No, we didn't sleep together as in sex).

I was just wondering if any of you knew a site where I could get a rainbow or gay pride graphic to put in my userinfo for my livejournal account.

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not that any of you care...

haven't updated in a while, this site does not seem to have many who talk to me.

my girlfriend and I broke up yesterday, and we're both doing okay. we decided to be friendly exes.

I have been so busy with school, work, and extracurriculars.

today is my last day of school... yay!

well, I've got to go. bye.

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