I have been in a pretty good mood since Friday, except the fact that I'm tired and sick (still). :-(
I was informed at lunch by Loretta that the Lakewood police called her, but spoke with her mother, and told her exactly what happened on Thursday. They said that Lolo should stay away from me. I believe that Lolo also said that Rebecca called. -_-
WHAT HAPPENED TO RESPECTING A PATIENT'S PRIVACY?!?!?! That is a BIG fucking deal for Lakewood Hospital. They have posters that say "We respect patient confidentiality" in some of the damn elevators in the hospital! I was so pissed that I called the Teen Health Center at lunch so I could see if Kris was there, but they didn't answer he phone, and when I called near the end of 6º, Jaquie(sp?) said she wasn't in, so I left her a voicemail to call my cell phone as soon as she got the message. I see Kris on Wednesday, but I need to figure this shit out with her like, now.
I was supposed to have an appointment with my counselor yesterday after school. It ended up being cancelled since her son got sick at school and she had to go pick him up. However, Cynthia, the “nutritionist
Well then. I didn't get to see Lauren this weekend since I had to do practice for the ACTs and all this other shit.
I of course should have done homework, but I didn't. I didn't start my P.O.W. paper until 5th period on Monday, the same day that it was due. Amazingly I finished it right between the end of 6th period and the beginning of 7th. However, I did have to go back to the AV center during 8th period since I forgot a cover page and didn't type up the works cited page.
I love her. I really, really, love her. I would never, ever, do anything to hurt her. I love her, and she loves me back. I’m lucky that I have someone now. This is my first relationship ever, and I’m glad that it’s with Lauren.
I know I shouldn’t be talking about this since many of you don’t have someone. I’m sorry. I know what it’s like to have to deal with liking someone who will not enter into a homosexual relationship because they aren’t like that, or they don’t like you in that way. That’s pretty much how my dating section of life went until mid-December.
Yesterday was the sophomore retreat, so the school was really quiet, except for lunch because the damn freshman made up for the missing sophomores. That brat Grace who got me in trouble for calling her a bitch and then giving her the finger “couldn’t handle the retreat and all the emotions involved,
(I am currently writing this entry and trying not to die from the horrible smell of the buckets with the disgusting smelling water with the fetal pig, pig heart, eye, and brain which is on me since we dissected the damn eyes today. By the way, the buckets and everything else smells like dead and rotting crap. Isn't that pleasant?)
Well, yesterday was so great. I still have to serve the detentions I got for “obscenity
So, here it is, what happened on Friday (part of it at least):
I cut at school, found Kristin, and had her take me to the psychologist, called my counselor and spoke with her, and then my counselor and the school psychologist proceeded to discuss what should be done with me, and my counselor said that I should go to the hospital. After they had hung up, I was informed of this, and immediately tried to run out of the psychologist's office. I was not successful, and I ended up being held hostage in there from the beginning of seventh to the end of the school day. I did at one point get to go use the bathroom, and I escaped then since the dean was not blocking the door sufficiently. I ran up to the history department, and then proceeded to make a stupid move by running down the second floor hallway until I got to the foyer. I ran down the stairs, and went into Miss Milliron's room, where she kept me until the dean and the school psychologist got me. From there I tried to escape again, but the psychologist had grabbed my hoodie, and I took it off, and she was about to grab my school shirt, which I also would have taken off since I had another shirt on underneath, but she grabbed my arm instead.
In my entry yesterday, I said straight out that I wanted to cut or die, so I cut yesterday, in school. It was near the end of the period, so after the period ended, I found my friend and showed her, and I asked her to go with me to the school psychologist's office. I was allowed to call my counselor and speak with her. She asked me a few times during the conversation if I wanted to go to the hospital for being suicidal, and of course I said no.
here i go again, another downward spiral...
i really need to cut...
or kill myself...
This week has been good so far. I totally fucked over the cutting down on pop and carbs thing, since Friday sucked, so I ate, and ate, and didn't stop eating shit food until Tuesday afternoon. I am going to lose these 30 pounds by June, even if I have to totally cut out the snacks and pop. So, on Monday Lolo wasn't in school, since she is sick. I called her during lunch to harass her, which was a stupid idea because Miss Jelen ended up coming over and saying, "Kate put the phone away." So I had to comply, and after she left, I ran to the bathroom so I could continue talking to Loretta. After school, I had to take the bus home by myself, which wasn't bad, since I got home earlier and I actually had time to watch the tape of the TRL episode that Clay was on.
Well, I still kinda felt like shit on Friday. I didn't really talk to anyone at lunch. Loretta went to the school psychologist during 6º, & then came to the AV center to make me go down there. I refused, & she said that she would go get her & have her come get me. So she left, which was kind of stupid, since I definitely ran. It took them a few minutes to find me, & I ran again. So they had me paged to the office, which was another stupid thing to do, since I knew exactly why I was being called down. I was in Mr. Gallagher's class by that point, & Mary Ann Tima said I should go, so I complied. It was a bunch of fun. She tried to get me to talk, which I would not do. I told her that nothing was wrong, & she proceeded to tell me that she didn't believe me. She said I could either talk, or just sit there & "stew" or something to that effect, but I would not be able to leave her office without having my mother called until I talked to someone. So I asked if I could call Kris, & so I did. I talked to her, & complied with the psychologist's "demands," & after Kris & she both talked, I was allowed to leave. Fortunately my mother was not informed of this. I was so happy about that.
Joseph Cardinal Bernardin said near the end of his life, "Death is my friend." (He was a Cardinal of the Catholic Church. FYI: The title Cardinal goes after the first name.)
It is also mine, although I wish I had nothing keeping me obligated to stay on this earth until God called me. I wish it was still like freshman year & I blended into the walls. That way I could go & only a small group of people would be affected.
Yeah, Saturday was fun. I really hated not being able to see Lauren. :-( At least I got to talk to her. Anyway, we went out to eat on Saturday, & it was good, although I didn't eat a lot of my meal. I don't know why, since I was really hungry because we waited an hour for a table. I don't really remember what I did Saturday night, but that's okay. Sunday I had to go to church, my mother made me. After church my parents & Tim went to the cub scouts' blue & gold, so I had the house to myself for a little bit.
Well, the AV center is closed today during 5º & 6º, so I'm in the library right now. Lucky us! I think that I'm just going to stay in 6º study hall so that I can concentrate on studying for the social justice test. -_- Yeah, so I think Lauren isn't mad at me, but I do know that she can't trust me. I'm still mad at myself for doing that. Loretta wasn't in school yesterday because she was sick, & possibly because of her hair.
Well, this is the second period I've spent in the AV center today, and it's not the last. I believe I am skipping 7º, but I was just informed of a project that we receive during class, so I may have to go. I also am skipping 8º since it's history & all we're doing is watching a stupid video on the 1920's. Well, I think I'm going to skip 7º anyway & just talk to Mr. Gallagher after school & tell him that I was in the school psychologist's office... He'll never know I wasn't, besides, it's not really any of his business to know if any of his students go there or not.