Hey all...I'm back from my fabulous travels around this area of the world. For a quick recap I visited Singapore for 4 days, Thailand for 5, and then camped in the Kimberly region of Australia with a group of Aboriginals for one of my classes.
I've never spent so much time out in the sun! I now have a lovely tan...not much compared to some people I traveled with, but pretty good for me.
Woohoo...in about 2 hours I'm taking off for my fabulous trip to Singapore and Thailand. I'll be in Singapore for a class trip until Saturday, and then I'll be in Thailand for 5 days for spring break. I sooooo can't wait. I was originally gonna bring some work to do, but I think I'll just bring the novels I have to read for literature and that's it...plus I can do those on the plane!
Oh! On another positive note I talked to my girlfriend again today and things feel okay again. I really think I was just letting the distance get to me. I'm so proud of her...she's been clean (from drugs and alcohol) for 4 months now... she got arrested awhile back and had to spend about a month in jail. Apparently the experience gave her a swift kick in the ass back into reality.
Wow...today was an awesome day. It was "Fair Day", which is the kickoff for Perth's pride month. I've become friends with one of the Australian students in my Natural Law class, and she invited me to go with her, her boyfriend, and some of her friends. The Fair itself wasn't all that exciting, but it was just kinda neat because I'd never been to an event like that before. I've never seen that many lesbians (and gay men) in one place before! Lol...
Gahhh!!! Ok, I know I just posted earlier, but this is kind of an unplanned, crazy, jumping-up-and-down, I don't know what to feel type of situation.
I talked to my girlfriend tonight over the phone. This was the first time I'd talked to her in over a month. Just the other day I wrote in my journal (real one, not online) that I've pretty much come to the conclusion that our relationship is over. But then I talked to her tonight and I felt happy and all the doubts seemed to shove themselves to the back of my mind. She had a legitimate reason for not contacting me; she didn't have my phone number, and had lost my address. (Granted...she wasn't smart for losing my address, but I can see how it would've happened.) She'd been down at some property her dad owned for awhile, and then was out of state working for a bit.
Just as my life was starting to feel together, something else has come along to knock me off balance. This seems to be the norm, in my experience. Life never really lets anyone rest...challenges are always being tossed in the way.
So my last post was all about how I've really come to accept and normalize my sexuality into my life. But the more confident I become about this area of my life, I've become increasingly unsure and uncomfortable with my religion. I was born and raised, and still consider myself to be a Catholic. There's this aspect of the church teachings on conscience that many gay Catholics use to allow themselves to remain a part of the Church, despite the fact that in the eyes of the church all homosexual activity, as well as any sexual activity outside of the man-woman marriage is a mortal sin. But It's hard for me to continue to give my all to a Church and a faith that rejects such an integral aspect of who I am.
I've moved on to a new stage in my queer-ness.
No longer am I constantly worried about being a lesbian or coming out or what people will think. I've gotten pretty good at the casual method of coming out, and the tidal wave of grief that once preceeded such an action has turned into a tiny ripple in my stomach.
Gah!! Sometimes I feel so stupid!! I have an essay due tomorrow for literature: 2000 words, maybe 6-8 pages, so it's really not too huge of a deal. But I was a dumb-ass and decided to procrastinate and put it off as much as possible. Even now, as I sit here watching the clock tick away I'm having trouble motivating myself to do it. I just don't want to. :-P Don't get me wrong, it's gonna get done, but why couldn't I have been smart and started on it awhile ago...done a little bit at a time, that kinda thing. Arrgh!!
Damn straight girls. Well...okay, maybe not, lol. I just hate when a straight girl (particularly one I have a crush on) does something that is innocent, yet manages to get me completely and utterly flustered.
I suppose I should explain myself...
Last Wednesday we had a special mass in our lodge, which is something they do every now and then here. During the sign of peace (when everyone shakes hands/hugs) I went to give Michelle the usual hug. When I pulled away she gave me a really light kiss on the cheek (really light...but I swear it happened!). Now, I don't normally kiss friends on the cheek (or anywhere), because that's just how I am, but I realize the some people do, and I can see Michelle being the type that does. She's just kinda touchy-feely like that.
3 fucking weeks,
Is this ever going to get better?
Do you care?
I don't know.
I think it's supposed to hurt more than this,
but I'm not feeling any pain.
Is this just because I'm numb,
or is the pain really not there?
I wish I hurt.
I wish I was filled with sorrow and pain,
but all I feel is a passive sadness.
I'm giving up.
I'm realizing that I may have an issue with being in control. Well...no, that doesn't quite work. What I mean to say is that I think I have a problem trusting people to do their part of a group situation...it's like I have to do all the work to be satisfied. I have a 3500 word group paper due at 4pm on Friday, and we're really just getting started today. I found the perfect book for us today on our topic and it's split up into several different essays. I serious feel like I should be reading all of the book rather than trusting the other group members to read their part of it and take good notes. Hum. I realize that this isn't really a good thing and I'm trying really really hard to resist the urge to go and take control of everything, but it's hard. I never really realized before just how much of an issue I have with this.
Had to get up a half hour early this morning to attend a "mandatory" house meeting at 8am. *grumble* None of us knew what it was about, but we figured that we must be in trouble for something. Ha. Apparently the other night a security guard saw/smelled 4 students passing around a bong on our patio, but because of our high fence he couldn't get a good look at them and for some reason he didn't call the police. The person talking to us reminded us that if we're caught using/possessing drugs we will be immediately deported, and she said the people who were out there are VERY luck that the security guard didn't call the cops.
I took a bit of time today to browse back through my old journal entries, going back to when this version of Oasis was brought to life in January of 2003. It's kind of amazing re-living the transformation I have gone though over these past 2 years. I've come a long way, but I feel that I still have a long way to go. Really, the journey never ends. I wish I could've saved my entries from the old Oasis, pre-meltdown, but alas I think I only managed to save a poem or two.
Okay, I've decided I should probably take the time to post a non-tearful, angst-filled post. So this one will have no mention of the guys in my lodge or the state of my relationship (well...no other mention beside that).
It's hard to believe that my 3rd week of classes will be over tomorrow. Starting next week I'll have stuff actually due; a 3-4 page paper in Business in Asia, then the week after that a mid-term in econ and a group paper in History. Yikes. I'm a little annoyed because our prof hasn't told us anything about this paper, and it's supposed to be about 3500 words and a group thing, which I'm not to fond of. (I know...if I don't like group work than I shouldn't be in business...but oh well :-P)
I lie in bed
I should be sleeping
but sleep won't come to me
my mind's too busy
my heart's too heavy
just as the tide goes
in and out
so my feelings about us change
but regardless of where the tide is
I can feel you slipping
slipping from my fingers
like fine grains of sand
and I never knew before
just how painful
such a passive event can be
Gah!!! As if a long distance relationship with someone who's hard to get in touch with isn't hard enough...I have to go and realize I'm attracted to one of the girls living in my lodge (I'll just refer to her as Michelle). She and I have become really good friends. I'm not sure if I'm really attracted to her or if I only feel like I'm attracted to her because of the fact that I'm missing my girlfriend right now and could use some comfort. I'm not the type who would ever cheat on my girlfriend, but just the fact that I'm feeling this attraction to Michelle is fucking with my head and my emotions.