aaaah!!!! The acceptance letters for the London abroad program came in today, and I got in!!! I think, at least. I got an acceptance packet, but the letter was addressed to someone else...My thinking is that they probably just switched our envelopes. (I hope, at least...otherwise it's very very creul!) I also applied to Australia, but I'm not quite sure how the process works; I'm thinking they won't accept you to more than one program, but I could be wrong. I'll try to contact someone by monday to find out...My confirmation for the London program has to be in by next Thursday. ::grins:: This is so exciting. My roommate and a couple other friends also got in, but they're all going Fall semester, and I'm going Spring. That's the only sad part...I won't see them all year! :(
Wow, Hard to believe I haven't blogged since the end of December. I'm now back at school, well into the 2nd semester of my sophomore year. I really like my schedule this semester; I have 1 class Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and 4 on Tuesday and Thursdays. It makes tues-Thurs really hectic, but my weekends are so much more relaxed now. I'm TA-ing for an Information Technology class, and it's going pretty well.
Okay, onto more interestingness: I've got a GIRLFRIEND!!!
Today's deep thought (which is also now my signature): "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave, live."
There are so many ways this quote could be taken and applied to life, and it's probably different for everyone, so I'm just going to leave it for you to ponder. (By the way, it's from the tv show Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
*** On to my life:
Well, I've been home for a week now...I had a horrendous time getting here, it took 12 hours instead of 5 to get home, but I got here. It's kind of wierd. I'm really enjoying being home, being able to sleep in till noon, hanging out with my family, etc., but at the same time I feel like there's really nothing here for me except for my family. I mean, I have a few friends I've seen, but other than that... I feel guilty, because I really haven't missed my family much this year, I don't know why. I never have had a problem with being homesick. I'm not sure if it's because I'm an extremely independent person or what, but I just have never had that problem. I don't even know where I'm going with this ramble... lol ... it's just kinda coming out. I just don't have much of a "connection" with my home town (at least for the past 5 1/2 years) and it feels like I'm missing something.
Gaah!!!!!! It's...10:45 pm my time on day 1 of finals week. I have 2 finals out of the way, and 3 more exams and a paper to go. I actually finish Thursday, but I won't be going home until Friday afternoon. I haven't been home yet this year (I am about 1100 miles away!) so It'll be great to see my family.
Besides finals, there's a huge source of frustration in my life right now: I feel like there's no way for me to meet people (and by people I meen potential date type of people). Don't get me wrong, I am quite involved in the gay group here at school, I'm out, and I'm even involved in GLB education sessions, so my name/face is pretty out and about in relation to these issues. But I still feel incredibly alone/isolated. I know, I know, you're probably wondering how on earth this could be the case. Well, let me tell you the story of last Saturday's Outreach Christmas party to illustrate this. (Outreach is the gay group at school).
Bear with me; my story-telling skills are seriously horrible, but here goes nothing:
Ok, so I had a HUGE project due in my IT Management class this week. It was a group project, and I worked with 3 guys (none of whom I know) from my class. They ended up coming over here (to my dorm) to work on the project. Well, anyways, one of the girls in my section stopped me yesterday and was like, "So...Tiffany. I saw you working with a group of really hot guys the other day." Thinking back, they are attractive men; 2 swimmers and a football player. However, the thought that they are hot did not even begin to occur to me!!! I just couldn't help but laugh and shake my head at the irony of the situation. How could I ever doubt that I'm a lesbian...I kid you not that NEVER did I think to myself that they were attractive, lol. Yet pretty much every day some good-looking girl catches my eye. :-P
I'm so confused/uncertain, as usual... I've got 2 issues right now, er...issues with 2 different girls. I supposed I will explain:
1) The first is my friend that I had a crush on (and blogged about incessantly) all last school year. To sum up what had happened previously, I crushed on her horribly all last year, she's very straight, and over the summer I got over her. Well, I came back and luckily the crush didn't. HOWEVER There have been these...moments...where I'm with her and my mind/heart is telling me that she embodies everything I'm looking for in a person, and I just wonder why I can't find someone like her for myself. I'm just a little weary of my feelings on her right now because I've done the whole crush on a straight girl thing and can't handle that again, plus I'm just not really sure what these feelings are. I'm not crushing on her...but there's just those random moments. *sigh* So complicated!
I haven't blogged in awhile, but I'm quite...grumpy tonight. My dorm's having a formal on Saturday. My friend knows a lesbian on the rowing team she's on, and thought that she might be able to set me up with someone she knows. This almost happened for halloween, but my friend waited too long. Anyways, so I bought a pair of tickets hoping that the situation would work out. Just my luck...she told me today that her friend didn't think she'd be able to help. So now I'm stuck with a pair of tickets and I feel like I'm never going to go on a real date.
There are now 7 school days left until our dorm dance, and I'm beginning to think I'm not going to have a date. My friends were going to try and find someone to set me up with, but so far I haven't heard anything at all. At one level I'm rather disappointed, but at another I'm not suprised. I think I kind of suspected that this wasn't going to work out, but I'm still sad. :(
Well, this could be interesting... A bunch of straight girls trying to set me up with someone.
Over the past few days I've found myself feeling more and more unsettled. yet once again, something is bothering me, but I don't really know what it is. I suppose it could be a number of things, like the fact that sometimes I wonder how in hell I got to be exactly where I am right now, and what I'm doing where I am, and if I should be doing what I'm doing where I am... but I don't know. I just have this general feeling of unhappiness. The unfortunate side effect, besides it making me less than thrilled, is that it's very distracting. I have 3 tests on Tuesday, and ten billion things to do this upcoming week. I can't afford to be distracted, but I am. Aargh!!!
So I chatted with my sister tonight over Instant Messenger...she got to go to an Evanescence Concert and was like, 10 feet from the lead singer! I'm so jealous...anyways, I digress...So apparently the parental units did get the letter I wrote them. Jenn says they recieved it well and that my dad joked next time I'm in town he can go with my sister and I to drink beers and check out girls. (Um, can i just say...no...and ewww...) It's a slight relief to know that they know, but it would be nice to get a response directly from them. I wouldn't be suprised if my dad calls out of the blue again, but then again, they might be waiting for me to call them. My stepmom did send me a phone card... I hope they're not, b/c I don't know if I really want to. *sigh* Just another thing for her to get mad at me about, not using the phone card she sent me.
That was positively one of the worst experiences of my life. My roommate threw a party last night in our quad. I wasn't in a very good mood because of all the stress I've been under as of late, so I knew that I probably shouldn't drink. Well...I drank anyways...and drank and drank some more. In short, I had WAAAY too much. When the party wrapped up, I ended up on a friend's futon down the hall puking, and my roommate was in my bed feeling not-so-great herself. (Our beds are bunked, and we figured it wasn't very advisable for any of us to be up on top) A few friends watched over me for a bit, and eventually I made it back to my own room. (I have absolutely no memory of when that happened)
:: BIG GULP :: Well, I just put in the mail to my Dad & Stepmom a letter in which I come out. I was very tempted not to drop it in the slot. I think it was well written and said everything I wanted to say, but I'm still incredibly nervous. I probably will be like this until I hear back from them. Aargh. I HATE the coming out process! Being out is fine. No problem there...it's getting there that's the issue. To top it off, I was quoted (voluntarily) in a magazine that was just released today here at school and identified as a lesbian, so anyone who doesn't know about me, will know pretty soon as long as they read the article. Not that I mind, I mean, I knew ths was going to happen, and I want to just get the whole coming out process over with, but it's just so... uugh. Can I just hibernate for a week? *sigh*
Wow...I am so incredibly excited. There's this guy I've known since the beginning of last school year; we were in Japanese together all last year, and this year he's in another class with me. Well, anyways, I get home today and see that he left me an IM asking me to get back to him when I got a chance...This is someone that I've never really had a super serious conversation with, but I nonetheless consider a friend. He'd never acknowledged the fact that he knew I'm gay. When I got back to him, after a little bit of small talk, he asked me if he could go with me to the Standing Committee Coffee hour we're holding. (I'm on this committee.) Then we proceeded to discuss how he's just starting to acknowledge that he's gay (he's not out at all) and how scary it all can be, etc.
Wow, it's been an incredibly long time since I've blogged here...I've been visiting regularly, but just haven't felt the urge to write anything down for awhile. ANYWAYS, to get back on track as to why I'm really blogging right now is that I need some advice. I was wondering if anyone out there has come out to their parents through a letter, and if so, how did it turn out? I know this is a pretty personal issue, and it's different for everyone, but I would still appreciate anything you guys can tell me.