I'm going to try to keep this one unranty. Still going to be choppy and
nonlinear. I have so much I wanna get down.
Ya know. If it wasn't for crazy dreams and such keeping me anchored to
disreality I would have gone crazy a long time ago. I had this bizarre
dream about fox eggs. They looked like chicken eggs but they were actually
"the last of there kind" fox eggs. It was my job to protect them. My dad
This started out as a rant that I was gonna post. The site thingy didn't
have the journal thing ready so I saved it. Here is what I had.
I have lied to myself. I do not belong here. This place of
"higher learning" only wants to make me one of them. I don't wish
to be here. I am never happy. It's just one day of torment after
another. Things I don't not wish to know. No. Things I do not wish
The last two days have been... interesting. Well for one, the cafeteria people have been extremely... happy. Yah see, I'm vegetarian and there isn't a wide variety
of foods here that I can eat. I usually end up eating peanut butter
sandwiches and a salad or the occasional vegetable soup. So I go to the
cafeteria, assuming I'm going to be eating more peanut butter, not that I
don't love it, I do, I've just had it so many times... And when I get up to
Wow. Break is over. I had last week off. Back at college. Surprising how my
hatred for this place returned so quickly. Learning experience. Pssh. It's
like the professors just don't care. Example: This art teacher guy. I have
him for two classes. A drawing class and a general art class. So like the
first day or maybe second he hands out these general information sheets he
wants us to fill out about ourselves. Stuff like major and such. Then there is
Yay. I can finally post stuff that's been going on. The stupid internet here
comes to a screeching halt everytime I try to go to any interesting sites.
Paranoia's running high. Last night, or maybe last last night my mom and
brothers came over and picked me up and we went to get groceries and had
pizza afterwards. Fun fun. Then there's these people at breakfast I'm talking
to more and more. Two people counts as people so yay. This one girl, I believe
I just typed without really thinking. I let the feelings flow. After looking
back at what I've typed I just don't know what to think. I did it to make
myself feel better. I think it helped, I don't know.
I don't know why I'm righting this. I'm hoping it will make me feel better. It's like all I feel anymore is anger and disappointment in myself. I get angry all the time. It seems like everyone is an enemy. Either you are a racist, homophobe, or you hate something. You don't believe in respect. It's like I've got to fight you all. And I can't because I'm like the only one here. I can't stop crying. I'm crying right now. All my failures haunt me. Every little mistake is like a blow to my insides. Every mistake. They won't leave me alone. Mistakes from years ago. Do others remember them? Are they judging me? Things I was at one time happy with are judged against others and I fail. My drawings that made me so happy now are only failures when compared to others. My grades are awful. I can't remember anything. I'm failing my mom. My dad. My grandparents. Everyone who believed in me. I don't even know why I go on. Everything will just be another failure. I've got to fight everyone and myself. It's like I'm trying to walk up a raging river. It's all one big battle. I can't remeber ever just being happy. I don't have happy memories. All I can remember are my failures. I just don't know what to do.
This is my first entry. First blog too. I came across a link to this site
on the OutProud site and I decided to join up. I've had an account for a bit
and have been putting this off. From what I've seen people use the first one
to tell about themselves. Well. Me. Hmm. Right now, I'm going to college,
it's my second year. I'm a biology major. 19 years old. I like to read. It
takes me forever to find a book though. I could spend hours in a library