Happy Gay Pride Week...
Exhaustion is like... eating at my brain. I don't think I've ever been this sleepy... Well... I don't think I've ever been this sleepy and been able to function at the same time. Right. So, Anne Rice is a silly goose. The Mayfair series is drawing my curiosity. I want more tragedy more beautiful and poetic ecstasy. I need those beautiful words rushing wantonly in my veins... unfortunately she fucked up. Blood Canticle: awful writing. AWFUL. But that's okay. I forgive you. Sometimes, as a writer you have to do some silly things... and there you go. Ngh? Ummm my eyes feel swollen, somehow. Like they're too big for my head. My little brother is losing weight... and he wasn't very heavy to begin with. It worries me. Asthma, they say... Do you lose weight like that because of asthma? Maybe it's the anxiety of livng with his damn parents (my mother and my stepfather) I can't wait until he's a little older and he can go off with his friends so he doesn't have to deal with these people.
Okay. So, I have a female that I'm going to be just... friends with... but we're going to have physical attatchments. I know it's risky, but we discussed it in a very logical manner and went to great lengths to protect each other in case we have to jump ship. It's like having a girlfriend, sort of... except not. I'm still allowed to have crushes and pursue them, as is she.
However, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. Although it felt like love, that emotion is dwindling and maybe just about extinguished. There is another male, by the name of Bob, whos really cool and really freaking awesome. I'm just not entirely sure that he's not breeder though. I really hope he isn't though. He's intelligent, tall, fair skinned, light haired (not blonde, hmmm), masculine and he's like sooo my type. The problem is that many of the males that I like always happen to be straight because... well, because I'm a loser like that. The thing with Bob is that he always says flirty things, but I just don't know if he's being serious or not. I mean... he might be. But there's reason to believe he's straight because he's had a girlfriend in the past. Now, I've had girlfriends too, to be sure, and I'm all about the manlove... so... yeah.
I had a very strange dream... basically I was trying to be a slut with all these guys that I think might be gay or bisexual... Like... actually having sex with them. Really awesome guys that I only kind of know. Anyway, the thing is that I had fight with my boyfriend in my dream about it. It was odd.
Problem: One of those guys is part of my theatre troup and I really really really like him, but I'm not entirely sure about his sexual preferences... I mean, he's so awesome and intelligent and attractive, but I know he had a girlfriend. However, he's always touching me and saying flirty things... It's all very confusing. I still haven't talked to my boyfriend about personal boundaries. Argh.... Arhgarahgpai3jajpc18j'dx m<0y81 bf'.
I've been feeling very happyl. There's no describing it, really, but I think the chemicals in my brain are short circuiting because, quite suddenly, I'm so happy. I have a relatively mediocre life, I have a lovely family and caring friends... However, I've always been unhappy before, always moping, always hoping for a better life. Right now, I feel fulfilled somehow, like everything is going in the right direction and nothing could be better at the moment. Why is that? Is my body chemistry doing a happy little dance, just for me? I can't explain, but it really is a wonderful feeling.
I met him in my junior year, when I was making a wild scramble for extra-curricular activities. Young, filled with vibrant artistic spirit and ready to fall in love, I fell into his gaze. I melted under his blue-gray eyes. Like steel, they cut through me; they sliced me open and lay me at his feet. Across a circle of young poets and novelists, songwriters and screenwriters, I met my first true love.
Soooo. I have a boyfriend that is really awesome. He's intellegent, reasonably attractive, and holds a wonderful balance between your regular male asshole, and a sensitive homosexual. The irony of it all is that I'm the bisexual one... XD Anyway, He's great and I like him a lot, but as I detailed in a previous entry, getting together with him is very difficult. As a sensualist I want to experience everything. I want to know people and experiences of all sorts... Having a boyfriend sometimes makes me guilty when I'm flirting with some person that I think is attractive, but I like that contact. The way two people connect or clash.... the way two friends show affection, the way to bodies come together... Every one of these sensations represents something very important for me... any way, this is my question, my problem: how appropriate is flirting since I have a boyfriend and if I'm not being as bad I seem to think I am, what are the limits on what I could do with other people?
So. There's this guy I really really like, but it's hard for me to get together with him... and go out and stuff. He's intelligent, attractive, kind towards me... but it just seems that our plans are always thwarted by some sort of weird circumstance. Now, there's a female... She's also very smart, very attractive... she's a closet conservative which upsets me, but what can ya do... Anyway, she's expressed feelings towards me. How should I react? I really like nick and I want to have a relationship with him, but things just seem to go wrong. With allison, there's no problems really, but I don't like her as much as Nick and I haven't really decided if I want to date females. It's very confusing. I've made out with her. I felt her skin and her gaze. I touched her curves and her lips. But... But that was lust. I need loving tenderness of that male... That superior strength and intelligence.
Eh. Summer so far hadn't been so horrible, you know. It's been quite nice, actually. Usually I go to mexico and I have no way of talking to any of my friends. This year, however I get to stay in Houston. *dance* Ooh and on Saturday I'm going to the movies w/ a guy I used to like a LONG time ago... He told me he kinda liked over AIM. I didn't believe him, but that's okay. We're still friends (and I still don't believe him! hah.)
it is good,
won't clothe you
won't give you food.
There's no reme
dy for War
There's no anti
dote for Hate
Peace is our heaven.
Reality is our hell.
The Moon, her ivory face tired and tragic,
descends gracefully from her alabaster throne.
The sweet scent of a scarlet rose, caught on a wind
in her raven hair, draws her to a cool, dark garden.
With her back to a vast, glassy lake,
the Moon smiles at the blood-coloured rose,
livened by the Bloom’s crimson passion, and
ensnared by it’s violent thorns.
She picked the Flower, and held it close,
e L (red, as the faltering sun on a fading autumn day)
s f (so slow, a blithe dancer in
do the crisp sunlight that's naught but a gentle spray )
to rest on the cool forest ground.
From a place, deep within Earth's bosom,
the liquid bubbles upward.
The silvery waters of fecundity...
O, they have been wasted.
Man has raped her of her crystal,
and now we pay the price.
O, Mother! How we have wronged thee.
I'm new here. This entry has absolutely no content worth reading, but i will post something with volume and a high level of interest soon.