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SORRY ABOUT THE MULTIPLE POSTS

Sorry about the multiple posts......My computer was acting up and I did not think that my journal entry went through. Again Sorry About My Confusion. :/

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The Bottom of the Bottomless Pit

I am so tired of this same old routine. Day in and day out I go through the same mental routine. I wake up in a room where I spend almost all of my time. I wake up in a bed that is the only real comfort I have; sleep is the only real escape from reality. I go to a school where I feel oppressed by everyone and everything. I deal with people who I feel superior and inferior to at the same time. I hide so much from so many that I do not know what I am hiding anymore; I just know that it has to stay hidden. I try to fit in, but all of my attempts make me feel as though I try to hard. I feel ashamed of who I am, so I choose to keep in the background, try to blend in with some group. I deal with other peoples problems, so that I can forget mine. I give advice to others when I need to focus on myself. I am the one who feels I should gain everything for doing something insignificant. I feel that my emotions are running my life from my heart. I fool myself into believing emotions that aren’t there. I constantly seek attention from others so that I can feel that my life has some meaning. I go through life loveless and faithless. I cut myself to escape the pain. I brand my heart with the scars of hatred and stupidity. My head tries to live while my heart is dying.

‘I am Nathan'

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Music Of My Heart

You know how people say music can affect a person's mood, or whatever. Well I just listened to Linkin Park's "NUMB" and suddenly I became very depressed. But now I am listening to Usher's "YEAH" and I do not feel suicidal anymore. Strange, I never believed that crap before. PONDER, PONDER.

The Wandering Wonderer

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Spiraling Down

Okay....I am on my sprial back down into 'the hole.' fun, fun. Things are not right...as usual...but still, it was supposed to get better for me. I know that there where no guaruntees (sp?), but I still shouldn't be spiraling down, again. I've let go most of the problems that I have had with people. At least I am not in denial about my sexuality anymore. I've let people know, which was my biggest fear to begin with. And you know what it wasn't so bad as I thought it could have been. I am pas ALOT of the issues that I once had to deal with, and I have grown because of them. I am more contenct with myself now, unlike 2 months or 2 years ago. I am happy with the type of person that I have become. I just do not understand the, if I am so happy with myself then why am I 'falling' and cutting? Am I trapped in some illusion that I have created to escape reality, again?

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Spiraling Down

Okay....I am on my sprial back down into 'the hole.' fun, fun. Things are not right...as usual...but still, it was supposed to get better for me. I know that there where no guaruntees (sp?), but I still shouldn't be spiraling down, again. I've let go most of the problems that I have had with people. At least I am not in denial about my sexuality anymore. I've let people know, which was my biggest fear to begin with. And you know what it wasn't so bad as I thought it could have been. I am pas ALOT of the issues that I once had to deal with, and I have grown because of them. I am more contenct with myself now, unlike 2 months or 2 years ago. I am happy with the type of person that I have become. I just do not understand the, if I am so happy with myself then why am I 'falling' and cutting? Am I trapped in some illusion that I have created to escape reality, again?

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School Computers

This is complete sweetness right here.....I have just found out this afternoon that I can access Oasis on the school computers in the library. I mean with our school we have practically everyone of the internet safety thingy majigs on them so we can't go to anything that has the word gay on it or sex or stupid stuff like that. I guess it doesn't think this site is that bad (neither do I for that matter) and so I think I will start going to the library more often to 'check out books.'

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Life Goes On........Eventually

Well this past week has been nothing short of a living hell for me.... Nothing is going as planned, life can be so cruel and I can see God up there sitting on his butt laughing at us trying to think things out for ourselves....

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Prom Night Speciality.... :)

Okay.......the prom is next weekend and I still haven't decided if I wanted to go or not. I already have my ticket but I have not rented a tux yet. I went last year as a soph. and I thouroughly enjoyed it. I had a great time with my friends and the music was awesome. SO I had planned to go this year stag. But then one of my friends decided I needed to be a cover up for her. She 'was' dating a guy who her parents hated and for good reason. She wanted me to pick her up and 'take' her to prom but then she would hook up with him and I would stay stag. I did not have a problem with that. But recenlty by an un-known source, her family found out and now she cannot go.

How Did Your Parents React When You Told Them You Were A Gay/Bi/Lesbian?

Freaked
13% (2 votes)
Already Knew -Freaked
6% (1 vote)
Already Knew - Calm
31% (5 votes)
Calm
13% (2 votes)
Freaked - But Okay Now
19% (3 votes)
Still Haven't Told Them....
19% (3 votes)
Total votes: 16

Have You Had Casual Sex?

All The Time
6% (2 votes)
Occasionally
11% (4 votes)
Rarely
0% (0 votes)
Once or Twice
17% (6 votes)
Never
66% (23 votes)
Total votes: 35
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Heaven or Hell (Where Do I Belong?)

One of the hardest things for me since I have come to terms with being bisexual, is wondering what will happen with my spirituality. I have stayed up long into the night, rocking back and forth, crying, trying to figure out what I believe. I am still no where close to any form of an answer. Will I burn in hell for eternity? Will I be accepted into heaven if I repent for my sins. These are just a few questions that I can sort out in my mind, and form into sentences.

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Things To Keep In Mind......

As soon as I was (forced) out of my own little closet to my friends, I was able to be who I was and not who I was supposed to be (Hope That Made Some Sense). And in my newly experienced 'liberation' I have sought after anyone who was either bi or gay just so I could be friends with them and have some form of support when I needed to deal with 'personal'things. Well I have searched and I have found. Not quite what I was expecting it to be. I think there are like 3 people out of 967 people in my school who are openly gay/bi. I am sure plenty are still closeted by their fears but I just wish I knew who they are. (My 'gaydar' is way off most of the time) Anyway, one of my friends who I had known since Jr. High told me he was bi (he is more gay than anything) and he is hot. I mean like really hot. Sizzling Hot. and the only problem is I can't date him. It would be to wierd, ya know? So I told one of my girlfriends that he had a cute ass. well after the laughter died down and it really set in, they informed me that he had said the EXACT same thing about me. Well I just found out that he is dating his ex-boyfriends boyfriend. Named Nathan. Now I am sure that it is just a coincidence nothing more. But they have nothing in common, at all. Nathan is a complete wierdo and J isn't. J is awesome. I hope and pray that it is just a fling. Maybe just for the sex but I can't help but feel betrayed by fate's cruel hand. I was getting my hopes up that maybe we could have....anything, but not anymore. I hate being jealous. It sucks. and I want so badly to make out with him. NOW. But that doesn't seems likely. Oh Well.

Who Is It Harder To 'Come Out' To?

Your Mother
18% (7 votes)
Your Father
33% (13 votes)
Your Sibling (Bro./Sis)
13% (5 votes)
Your Grandparents
21% (8 votes)
Your Friends
15% (6 votes)
Total votes: 39
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Stupidity Overwhelming

I hate rumors. They are like a cancer that infects and destroys. One person can say something that they ‘suspect’ and at the end of the day it is all around school and maybe the town (if it is a small town). Don’t people have better things to do with their time than gossip about another person’s life, even when they hardly know the person? It is aggravating and annoying at the same time to hear them.

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A Doubtful Mind

This is a poem I wrote about 3 months ago. At that period in my life I was depressed and suicidal. I’ve attempted suicide at least twice that I can remember. (I don’t remember much from the past few months. I guess I am lucky that I don’t have to remember that pain.) So anyways here it is:

After time slips away
I walk outside to think
Of all my past mistakes
Of who I am
I am ashamed of myself
Of what I’ve become
I hate myself
But now that I think back
It just didn’t work out

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