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today and hair and going from b to q and stuff.

school starts in three days. and (stupid me) i spent all my money in pei so i don't have enough to by the bleach and my hair dye. i have enough for one or the other, and my hair's too dark for just the hair dye to work. maybe i'll beg my sister for money to buy the bleach so i can get the dye and bleach. i'm going to have to settle for purple, cuz i can only afford one color. no multi-colored tips for me :(. but i can have bright purple hair, tho, so that's ok. lol. the funny part is that a girl who goes to my school saw me earlier and asked if i was planning on getting any more crazy hair cuts soon. i said no... won't she be suprised when she sees me at school with bright purple hair. i'm going to experiment with my styling glue tonight or tomorrow night to see if i can get my hair to spike up, and if i can that's going to be great. i'll go to school thursday with purple three inch long spikes. i think just to counteract that, i'm going to wear one of my more dressy tops and a nice pair of jeans. and if i can manage it, i'll get my labret piercing done when i'm in halifax. i couldn't get it done in pei cuz i had a canker sore but it's almost completely cleared up now so by wednesday i should be able to do it. i wish i had some nice makeup i could put on my face... i lost my favorite eyeliner a while ago. i guess i'll just have to go with my crappier stuff. still, that's ok. woohoo this is gonna be fun! i love messing with their minds at school. just when they think i'm ready to go back to being ms geek, i go and do something else totally crazy. lol. i hope stephen likes it...

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stomach pain sucks.

sore.. stomach... ow... anyway, i'm back. for today, then i go home, then i get back. bored bored bored. tired.

lol me and a friend of mine are think up crazy, off the wall plotlines to a show we both like. it's really funny, cuz right now we're trying to get it as soap operaish as possible, and we're doing a good job. lol.

anyway, dunno why but i've been feeling incredibly anxious lately. almost to the point of crying sometimes. there's no reason for it, but i'm completely terrified most of the time. even right now, i can feel the anxiety gnawing at my stomach. ahhh... it sucks... but i guess everyone has bad days.... or several bad days in a row, in this case. it's prolly cuz of all the stress i've had lately. stress prolly explains the headaches too. and my crazy allergies and wierd appetite. still, not fun.

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family is great and allergies suck

so i went to halifax to pick up dd's friend. got to visit grandma and chuck, and hear some more of crazy chuck's exploits. like how he fell off the cliff near where we were staying cuz he was looking for rocks. yes, you heard me. he was looking for rocks. he's a geologist. and he's completely nuts about his work. and he told us about staying in guiana(sp?). he's gonna be working there again soon. he looks so much different than he used to. he grew a beard, so where two years ago he looked like a gawky teenager (which is funny cuz he was like 25) he now looks his age... or, at least, closer to his age than he used to. chuck's great. and completely nuts. but still great. it's funny, chuck and his two sisters are all really smart. naiomi became a super-nerd, cathy became a socialiser, and chuck became a slacker/class clown - all for the same reason: they were bored in class. lol i told him how i'm pretty much the mastermind behind a lot of the pranks at school. all i do is say "you know it's be funny if someone were to do this" and then a few days later someone does it. it's way funner this way cuz if you do it right you can get two people you don't like for the price of one. you get one to play your prank for you and get in trouble and the other gets the prank pulled and nobody even suspects you. oh yes, i'm evil. lol. i got a dissaproving look from mom, but chuck laughed and said i was smarter than him about that cuz this way i get to watch all the chaos without getting in trouble. lol of course, i'm not sure i should take advice from a guy who took 7 years to get through high school cuz he didn't want to go to classes and is infamous for the pranks he pulled in school (example: he fired a styrofoam cup full of dog shit into a teacher's open car window using a potatoe cannon once). then again, he's at the top of his classes in university and stuff like that now so maybe i should. whatever. i'm lucky. most people only have one relative like chuck. i have three. it's great. whenever you need a laugh just ask them about what they've done recently and they'll tell you something so crazy that if you didn't know them you'd swear they were lying but because you do know them you know it's true and aren't really sure whether or not that's a good thing. lol. i love family.

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sorry doesn't take back the hurt.

ok, i know dad prolly ment this as a joke but it still bothered me. grr.

basically what happened was we were talking about how crappy punishments are in canadian law and blablablablabla, when he said "ya, feel free to start a life of crime now. i mean if sven robinson can do it, you can to."

first of all, i am offended that he would even suggest that i would do something like stealing an expensive ring.

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shivering without cold

i'm writing way to many entries lately, i know, but i need to do something. life has decided to go and try to fuck me up again and i need to write to get it out.

i just finished writing shauna and i feel crappy. i always feel crappy when i
have to do something i do NOT want to do because i feel like i'm betraying
someone or i feel lousy about it. i'm shivering as if i were hypothermic, and i

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the infamous triple dot strikes again

i didn't want to title another entry "..." so i gave it that title. haha. funny. or at least it would be if it weren't 1:23 am and if i didn't have the things one my mind that i do have on my mind.

basically, it's my sister. i used to understand her. now i don't. it scares me, cuz i think that if anyone should be able to understand her, it's me. i've known her longer than anyone except maybe mom and dad. and i have no clue what goes on inside her head. i'm sure what she tells me is just the tip of the iceberg. and i'm scared. both for her and of her. if that makes sense. and if it doesn't, fuck it cuz i'm tired of trying to explain my thoughts. all it does is get me confused and make others even more confused.

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events of the past few days

the first part of this (the part in italics) was supposed to be put up last night, but... i'm lazy. lol. so i'm just putting it all in one entry. it's easier.

well, i went over to a friend's for a few days, and that's why i wasn't updating. sorry. it was sorta last minute. her parents were going out and when it's tour-ass season she doesn't like to be alone in her house for too long cuz we get a lot of weirdos around here in tour-ass season. personally, i think she should've just enjoyed the time alone. that's what i would've done. but whatever. different people have different comfort levels, i suppose. still, she's going to university next year, so she's going to have to learn how to deal with wierdos sooner or later. *shrug*... for me, i'd rather learn sooner than later cuz then i'll know what to do when something happens. and please note that i say when. i'm not naieve enough to believe that even if i follow all those safety precautions they keep spouting i'll stay clear of weirdos. apparently my friend is tho. hm. well, whatever. i think she should take up self-defense. nothing will help your confidence when you're alone like knowing that chances are, you could hurt someone very, very badly if they tried something with you. lol. i'm too outta shape, so i'm going to join up with either a muey tai club or a jujitsu(sp?) club. or maybe judo. something that focuses on the practical rather than the stupidly ceremonial.

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hm

...


not much going on today, except the fact that stupid me ate chocolate pate so i'm
going to be going for an extra walk and a bike ride tomorrow. damn chocolate...
why does it have to be so damn addictive? all well...


and here's a quiz i did. found it on someone's diary.


Siren

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emotional wierdness

i'm really wierd. i can never identify what i'm feeling until it's about to overwhelm me. like right now. i feel... off. but i'm not sure what's off. maybe it's something. maybe it's a mixture. i don't know what's off but i know something is. maybe more than one something.

part of it my be because of my huge headache that has hit me off and on for the past three days. it's prolly a psychosomatic headache. i get headaches when something's off but i'm not sure what is. so ya... if it's still bothering me on friday i'll make a note to tell shauna.

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wierd entry

{EDIT: ok, i know this makes me sound like i have an eating disorder or something, but i really don't. i'm just working really hard to slim down and get into good shape and this past week i've gone slack and it's really fustrating, so i guess this is the product of that fustration. i have a weird tendacy to sound obsessed whenever i talk or write about things. it's not as bad as it sounds [i eat stuff every day and am trying to do the whole healthy diet + exercise thing]. ok? sorry to sound so wierd. but because i sound all wierd and ed-like in this, i suggest that people who do have eds not read this, cuz it might be triggering or something. thanks.}

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:(

the past few days have been bad for me. i don't know why, it's just a bad emotional feeling thing. :(:( the worst part of it is that i don't know what's making me feel so bad, so i'm starting to get overwhelmed by it.

this is JUST the sort of thing i was talking to shauna about last week. how not knowing what's making me sad makes me feel worse about feeling sad and more likely to do something self-destructive to cope. except i don't want to cut. i'm going to throw out my razors soon. i don't know... it's times like these that i'm a danger to myself. times when i feel so sad i'm crying for no reason at all and i can't figure out what's causing it so i can fix it and make it stop i'm powerless and i hate it!! i just want to stop it. i wonder if people think i get some sort of glee out of hurting myself. i don't. i just need things to stop. it give me the ability to make them stop when i need them to. like i do right now. but i'm not going to give in... i'm not, i swear i'm not. i might be all over the place with the eating thing, but i'm not with this and i'm not going to let myself get all over the place with it again. not again. not now, not ever.

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summer is boring

i have a single line from a song that i hate stuck in my head, and it keeps playing over and over and over argh. i hate that song... i think it's called "ocean avenue" by yellowcard or something like that. i don't like the band that sings the song. they remind me too much of a boyband in their style of music. i hate boybands.

but whatever...

so far today, i've read 2 books and eaten lunch. and bounced around online a bit. summer's really boring. it's too hot to go outside for a walk right now (with my skin, i'd burn in about five minutes anyway and we don't have sunscreen). so i have to sit around and be bored for another few hours till it cools off enough for a walk, and then i can walk around and be bored until i get tired enough to return home and sit around and be bored again. summer sucks. i'm wierd. i prefer school to summer. but i must say that it's better to have stuff to do than to just sit around and be bored, which is pretty much all you can do around here in summer.

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pointless rambling on birthdays and musicals

i hate the whole "what do you want to do for your birthday?" thing. personally, i couldn't care less, so long as i'm with people i love and am having a good time. and the "what do you want for your birthday?" thing bothers me too, cuz it totally ruins the whole experience. getting stuff's fine, don't get me wrong, i'm grateful for the gifts i get on my birthdays, but... maybe i'm being immature here, but i love the suprise. i like getting the feeling that someone took it upon him/herself to figure out what sort of gift i would like. it's not even the gift that matters. it's that they care enough to put the effort into it. but maybe i'm just immature. i love a suprise, tho, and it seems that the older i get, the less good suprises there are. i just wish i could have a little kid type birthday, where everything is a wonderful suprise and i don't even care what they are, i'm just glad they're there. but i'm being stupid about this. i know they care. they care a damn lot. and a stupid suprise in the party won't change a thing about it.

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stereotypes bug me.

i'm just thinking about some stereotypes that a lot of people fall into that bug me. i'll just make a list:
1)well-dressed men are gay.
2)masculine women are lesbians.
3)bisexuals are sluts.
4)guys can't be sluts, even if they sleep with 100 different girls a month.
5)girls who sleep with guys but aren't married are sluts.
6)smart people can't be good athelites(sp?)
7)smart people always dress badly.

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...................

...................

my grandmother is probably dying. they think she has lung cancer.

mom and dad are going to see if there's a way we can go see her before she dies.

dunno how i feel. guess i'm still in denial or something. i.....

i hate it how just when you start to get used to stuff, something shitty happens. it's inevitable, and it's enough to make a person just want to give up.

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