After the election, my first thought was Canada. Besides the fact that Bush is back in office, but the fact that all 11 amendments passed, including my states, which was the worse. Before this, my dream was to go to OSU, find the love of my life, open a cafe in Columbus, get a dog, and be happy. But, this isn't going to work. So, I thought, why not Canada? Quebec City is beautiful, as is Montreal.
Allot of people are talking about the vote tomorrow. I live in Ohio. Ohio is having Issue One. Issue One bans same-sex marriage in the constitution, and civil unions, and is so vague that it hurts straights. No on is educated on it. I was the only person is my History class who knew what it was. It will probably pass. If it does, I will not live in Ohio after college. On the upside, my friend who's in college said they had a mock election and Kerry one by a landslide. And THEY are registered voters. Also on the upside, my mom AND dad are voting Kerry! And my MOM! MY MOM! Is probably voting no on issue one. My sister and I are both making No on Issue one shirts tomorrow. I have a choir concert tomorrow, that we aren't prepared for. Oh, and did I mention Saturday's events? Saturday mom and dad had a Halloween party. Several hours before the party, I was sitting in my backyard with my two dogs. When a four-wheeler drove around (I live next to a field) Maggie, the bigger beagle mix dog, ran in front of it. I saw her roll around, then she ran inside barking, not walking on her hind back leg. I carried her to the car, she sat on my lap, and we went to the vet. Her hip was out of place, like, it had popped out of socket. They put her under, and tried to get it back in. An hour before the party, the vet said that they couldn’t get it back in. We couldn't afford the surgery. The vet put her to sleep for free. My mom cried harder then I had ever heard her. Maggie was like her other daughter. We buried her in our family pet cemetery at my grammas. Mom then said it was the hardest thing she ever did, burying Maggie. It wasn't so much the fact that I had lost Maggie. I admit, it made me sad my dad even cried, but... it was my mom. She was sobbing, and all I could do was hold her. She held me tighter these few days then she has in a long time,
Lot's of shit has been happening lately. I was planning on doing foreign exchange next year, hopefully going to Thailand, but we can't afford it. I further found out that when my dad was moved back into the factory (he originally worked in distribution, loading trailers and stuff, but they moved him back into the main line, where he gets to make the stuff, because they gave the jobs to some bozos from another company because its cheaper) he lost a third of his wages. My mom couldn't afford her medication. She got it a few days later, but still...
Has anyone else noticed all I talk about is depressing stuff? Well, here I go again...
Well, yesterday I stayed home from school because I felt like shit. Mom got mad. She always gets mad when I stay home, unless she really thinks I'm sick. I told her I had felt like shit for several weeks, so she made an appointment with the doctor. I am now on two types of anti-depressant’s... that reminds me...
Wow, things are so weird. All today, things felt weird. At play practice, I was so sad, and I nearly passed out. It was like I wanted t0o cry and laugh at the same time, yet I had a smile plastered on my face. I feel so sick. I have been feeling sick for sometime. Then we go outside and it's soooo foggy, and mom's supposed to be coming back, so I'm worried. She was down in Tenn. at a funeral. I'm worried. I need to take a shower. I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up. And there’s something else....
Jasmine just called. She said she's got to mcuh to deal with right now and a relationship isn't good for her. So, it's over. I didn't ask her if there would be a chance in the future. I didn't want her to hear me crying. I thought I had found someone again. I was wrong.
Jasmine told me that we're moving to fast. I understand that. We both knew we were moving fast from the start. But she said she was ok with that. She also said that she thought she did love me, but now she isn't sure. She said I can still say I love her, she just doesn't know if she can say it back. She was supposed to call me two hours ago. I need tot take a shower, but I'm afraid she'll call while I'm in there. I don't th9ink... I mean... I love you sin't just something you can take back. She says weree moving to fast, but she doesn't want us to break up. She says were just in a rut, but I can tell she's even afraid to say that were girlfriends. She doesn't want to say dating, becuase we still haven't met. I know thats a big thing, the fact we havnt met. I want to, it just hasn't worked out. Neither of us can drive, and we have to get some friends to drive us.... *sigh*...
You said you loved me
So much for love
the butch in the back
the quiet one
The one you hurt
the one you destroyed
I used to be open
I used to smile
Now my friends say I'm diffrent
that they miss my smile,
You said you loved me
How can you love me and her at the same time?
I was second in your heart...
But now there's her...
Do you see us together?
Well... as I stated, I broke up with Cyrstal. Me and a girl named Jasmine were supposed to go on a date, but she's gonna go visit her dad, proablly come out to him... tell him about us. We're basically together... oh hell, we tll each other we love eahc other. And shes making me feel like I can love again. Rosalie hurt me. And all of you are probally so damn confused by now. Rosalie is my ex. She hurt me, plain and simple, I don't think she evr loved me.
I broke up with Crystal. Crystal was moving from florida to live with her sister in Ohio. She moved so that she could be closer to me. She was still two hours away. I don't think I truelly feel for her enough as she needs me too. Plus... I met a girl through a friend. She lives a half hour away. We had an instant connection. I really like her.
Well, those are the main questions. Some lil 7th graders thought I was a boy... and to be honest, im not sure anymore... then I read her xanga... hers.... and she calls her the most wonderufl girl in the world... she used to call me that... i miss her... no amanda dont cry.... god... then church... they almost made me start questioning if i was right to be gay. QUESTIONING IT?! I left thinking what the hell! I realized that alot of the stuff they said was bullshit.
So, the girl I like seems to be happy with her gf again... this saddens me, but makes me happy. The thing is, I know Chels treats her like shit... sigh... Anyway, so, I'm tired, and, well... this is nuts. I'm going to church tonight. As in Christian church. As in the church that I left becuase of their view on gays. AND I'M GOING BACK TONIGHT!!!!!! My friend asked me if she could pick me up if I'd go, said that they miss me. It's gonna be awkward, i know, and I won't be surprised if I'm confrotned about it. I said a heaven aint close in a place like this.... ring it back down bring it back down tonight... Somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend, who looked lik e a girlfriend, that I had in Febuary of last year.... sorry, sis is listening to that song. Anyway... wish me luck, I'll let you know what happens, if anything... oh, and everyone loved my hair.. well, most people
Well, the pflag meetings went well. We have alot of support for our gsa. Our GSA is being made to have our meetings at 6:30 in the am. It sucks, and the second day borught alot about how my trown needed help. It's fucking freezing here. I got my hair chopped off today. It's not toally butchy, but it's nice. I wrote a note to the girl I like today, mostly just complaining about singleness. She then told me, before she read the note, that her and her gf are fighting, about ready to rip each otehrs heads off. Is it bad that I was semi-glad? I don't know if she's bi, or les, or queer, or what... personally, I like queer, just... I ghuess it gives me more of an openness. When most people think lesbian, they think butch or hott sluts. I like queer, cuz it just seems to fit me better. I'm not butch, and I'm not femme. I'm just... me... So queer fits better. Wow, trhis turned into a "why i prefer queer" rant. Also, I'm thinking I may actually be transgender! Welp, thanks for reading
So, the first, the football game:
The girl I like was there. She saw me once and waved. After I stared at her. Her girl was always right there. She hardly talks to me at school. Nothing will happen between us. She's in love.
I hurt my hip. I jogged. There was a girl there that was my best friend in second grade. Did I mention I'm in the marching band so had to march? I was wearing two pairs of pants, my regular ones, and my band pants over the top. My regular pants are big on me and started falling down. By the time the half-time show was over, they were down to my thighs, being held up by my band pants (so you couldn't see anything, it was just uncomfortable... and funny) If my band pants didn't have suspenders, they would have fallen off.
My girl and I are over. 6 months. I really loved her. Still do. But were over... the whole time, she loved someone else... maybe she did love me at one point... oh, but that's not what this is all about. Maybe one day I'll let you all know the story of my first love, but not now. My name is Amanda. I am 15 years old. My birthday is July 31, 1989. I have pretty eyes, though that’s one of the few things I like about myself.