For the first time in i don't even remember how long (probably 2 years-ish) i can finally say with absolute certainty that i am over Kathleen. Completely and utterly over her. Even if she offered a one night stand i would not take her up on it. This is serious progress. I had been hung up on this straight girl for far too long. I barely even talk to her anymore. Which is a good thing because the relationship was never really that healthy to begin with. She always tended to be kind of neurotic, and you always had to guess what she was thinking. If anything i would call her borderline, but who am i to make such judgement. She hasn't even been in my fantasies for a few months which is HUGE because she used to basically be the star.
I have never tried thinking of, and then following through with, a new years resolution before. I do not know why, but this year I was thinking of giving it a try. Okay well first of all I want to come out to my brothers. I always have excuses, but they are just escapes. Scratch that. I need to just come out. In general. The problem is I'm not exactly closeted. I just don't feel comfortable telling most people. I tend to be a very private person, and i just am not at ease with screaming my sexual orientation at the top of my lungs. O well. I find it hard to come out in general, though. Even under some of the most safe conditions. An example being while at Friendly's with three fellow chorus members. The chorus factor alone helps, but to make things even easier one of them was gay. The other two consisted of one of his best friends and then a girl who i knew had no qualms with homosexuality. Not only would the people have been unreservedly accepting, but there was a perfect opportunity as well. All three had been doting over a cook all night long. I was invited to join in the checking out-athon. All I did was awkwardly decline. What the hell. I could have easily just said "no thanks i'm more into the girls myself", and all would have been fine. But no. I just said something that could have been interpreted as my just being a prude. Damnit. I wish I had had the courage to just say i was a lesbian. I need to work on that. O well. At least my close friends know.
i had sex with a guy last month. i can't say that it was a horrible experience. he was good. experienced i guess you could say. he is a couple of years my senior. there were a few reasons that i went through with it. i guess the first, and most important, was that i needed to know, beyond a doubt, that i would never be attracted to guys. although i had gone relatively far with guys before, i had never reached sex.
Every time I think that my life finally matters, I get depressed again. Im not talking clinically depressed…just normal teenage-type angsty shit. I don’t know why I try. I don’t know why I’m taking three AP classes my junior year. Why I keep my GPA up to get into National Honor Society. Why I bother writing countless papers about events that happened hundreds of years ago. Why I work my ass off to get into Mcgil.
I think i just might finally be getting over Kathleen. It's awesome. Like yes i find her very hot. But i realize that nothing would ever come of it. I also realize that i do not think i would even want anything to come of it. It was getting to be ridiculous. My first entry here was dated April 2nd. That is over five months ago. And nothing had changed. I still wanted her. Badly. Slowly but surely my feeling for her have become less strong.
bah. Just as i was cougratulating myself on successfully completing one night out with my friends as a lesbian (meaning with statements such as yah kathleen and mollie hooking up to get attention turned me on at first but now its just gross) they go and say this horrible, upcoming statement. Okay so it's a random, normal morning after that aforementioned night of lesbian-like tendencies. We are watching some mind-numbing trash that is called Jerry Springer.
I have got to stop this self-contridicting shit. It is not good for my credibility. Two nights ago I tell Kathal that I am a full blown lesbian and not bi as i had originally stated because it was just plain easier that way (the "being" bisexual i mean). Then, less than twenty-four hours later I am hooking up with this guy and she was there and saw it happen. Fucker why did I do that? It is not as if it was sexually gratifying.
last weekend was one of the scariest weekends i have ever had. on friday night, one of my best friends could have died in my arms. we were on the way to a concert with 2 liters of vodka between the 6 of us. it was really only 5 people drinking though because i almost always remain sober. Kathal drank about 3/4 of a liter. she started off just extremely drunk, but she soon became progressively worse.
Ok, see what you have to understand is that there is two me's. First, there is the self that I have created for my friends. This person is not quite sure about her sexuality. To some, she is straight, to some bi, and to a few, a lesbian. This person likes to sometimes escape from her problems with alcohol and pot, but ussually only drinks enough to relax while still being the responsible one. This self likes heavy metal and alternative rock.
Lately time has been dragging. I can't wait until this term from hell is over. I am hoping for a B- in math. That has never happened before since I have a 4.0. It's my math teacher. I missed two assigments and I suddenly have a C. It's not even like they're particularly important assigments. It was the god damn Patriot's Day Parade that did me in. I am very worried right now because it is very possible that she just knocked me off the honor roll.
Labels suck. I am a teenage girl so of course they permeate my very existence. There are labels for how you dress, what music you listen to, and of course who you would like to date. For all three I fall into the “other