Beryl's picture

Who really cares, anyway?

So Mark an I talked about the whole 'switching genders' thing, and he doesn’t always notice himself doing it, so next time I notice it I will tell him and we will probably go from there. I’m glad we talked about it, and a bit more about genders and everything. The thing with gender is there are just so many questions concerning it, and in so many ways, that it’s hard to get a grasp of my own views on it, never mind someone else’s. Luckily it’s interesting and important enough to spend a lot of time talking about.

Also, sadly, I think it’s time to put one of my favorite speech patterns to rest. I love calling my male friends ‘boy’ in a joking way, but that is becoming less and less accurate for more of my friends as time goes on, so I think I need to find a new word of command. ‘Person’ or ‘you’ just don’t have the same ring, so I’ll have to think on it.

Beryl's picture

Back Halls and Bathroom Stalls

This is about that time we kissed
In the bathroom stall
At the back of the mall
But you won’t go home and
Tell all your friends about this.

I am your most recent conquest
And I have all the privacy
of an abandoned battlefield
Left to walk home alone
While the light begins to gather
it’s skirt around it’s ankles
and retreat across the sky
Like the loser In a fight it had no hope to win
But can‘t help but hoping anyway.

Beryl's picture

So is he a girl today, or a guy?

So I'm running into an interesting aspect of our relationship. Sometimes, I swear to god Mark shifts genders on me. It's like his entire attitude, posture, and I think even self-identified gender role changes. I'm not sure if it's a conscious or unconscious thing, I have yet to ask although I intend to soon. So I'm at this interesting place where sometimes it feels like I'm with a guy, sometimes a girl, and sometimes something between. It isn’t a problem for me at all, actually I rather like it, it’s just intriguing.

My other, almost more interesting question for him is going to be wither or not he always feels like he is with a girl with me. He teases me for being such a stereotypical dyke a lot, and I’m not sure how I react gender role wise to his switches. Do I unknowingly compensate by taking on a more ‘masculine’ role the way he does feminine? I don’t think so, but I’ll be interested to see what he says.

Beryl's picture

silence is a shame

I wish people were more open about sex and sexuality. I met a boy at a UU youth religious conference who believed in not closeting sexuality and it was amazing to talk to him. There was no shame in whatever he said, we talked unabashedly about sex, our sexuality, genitalia, all the things I’ve never had anyone to ask about males and sex compared to females. And it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable after a while, and so by simply talking about sex, it became something understandable and natural, not disgusting or inappropriate or secret. For a few hours I didn’t need shame or to blush or stumble for acceptable words, and I learned a lot and it was very freeing. Our words had the power we gave them, and so they didn’t have power over us. I miss that, I wish I’d tried harder to keep that level of comfort talking about the human body.

Beryl's picture

This is just a rant, disregard it completely

So I've been trying to play grown up today, looking at the UMass Dartmouth page again, trying to figure out if I'm making a mistake. Also Jazzer's post and everything going on has driven me to try and find information about caniadates and policies I am horribly uninformed about. That is sad, seeing as it's kind of important to my future to know about these things.

Does anyone here go too, or know anyone that is involved in U Mass Dartmouth? It's my first choice but I haven't even visited yet, panic is beginning to stir in the not so far reaches of my mind.

Beryl's picture

Hi, I'm a pansy

.... But if you call me that, I won't answer. Because pansexuality for me is about being a person, not a label. So call me by my name, respect me for who I am, not for my sex or gender. Because honestly, we're all born blank slate, right? So I don't see why those things really matter in the end. For me, or you. Or anybody, for that matter. When I am talking to someone, I'm not talking to their gender, I'm talking to them. When I love someone, I don't love them for their gender, I love them for themselves. Male, female, male to female, female to male, genderqueer, genderless, and all the other places inside or outside of gender and sex, why should it matter to me?
Everybody is just beautiful.

Beryl's picture

I am writing the story of how hard we tried

I decided to reintroduce myself seeing as it's been a while since I was on this site but I'm kind of thinking of coming back. So instead of griping about how it's changed, I'm going to try the new beginnings approach. ^_^

I'm 17, pansexual and a senior in high school in a small Massachusetts town. I've been a thorn in the side of my peers for the sake of queer rights ever since I came out in the beginning of freshman year, and now proudly help run our small but enthused GSA with my sister, who also was on oasis years ago. We also organized our Day of Silence last year in about 4 days and still managed to pull in 75 official participants, so we’ve got big dreams for this year, including an awareness week full of activities that our principle actually recommended. Also my sister and I (if you haven‘t noticed we tend to act as a whole :P ) run various workshops, educational classes and lessons and health fair booths on the subject of Self Injury, and might be joining something called Venture in that regard, which is kind of like starting a mini business apparently?

Beryl's picture

shooting stars and satallites

I've been out for three years
ever since I was a freshman
now I'm a senior
and I guess things are better
they are better in my own life anyway
so it's easy to think that they are
But some days, it's not.
Some days things are just kind of scary
because I've forced to look outside my safe little box
a box I worked hard to build, yes
but a box all the same.

Beryl's picture

when only one bed is slept in

My mom and I had an interesting heart to heart on the back porch of our rented beach house. We have a lot of heart to hearts, but the interesting part was that it turns out two of my aunts are also gay, not just the one I knew about. I seriously thought aunt Sue and her long time room mate were just friends, where as aunt Kim sucks at covering her ass. (my family is closeted from my extremely religious grandparents)

Homosexuality hereditary, any body?

Beryl's picture


Does anyone else have this problem? I'm pansexual, which means I'm attracted to every form of gender, or lack there of, but to make it easier when I'm coming out sometimes I just cut corners and say I'm gay to save time. Then people always assume I only like girls. This is useful sometimes, seeing as it is a good way to get guys off my back that I'm not interested in (I’m really picky) but I'm getting sick of coming out twice. It's also kind of sad, because a lot of the time I feel more comfortable coming out to straight people as gay, than queers as not just liking girls. The assumptions made on both sides really make me feel as though I have no true community sometimes. I mean, just because I like guys doesn’t make me ‘confused.’ I’m not seeking attention, I’m not going to ‘change my mind.’ I’m pansexual. I’ve been out for three years. I might decide to change my word, or my gender, because I believe gender is fluid and always in motion, but I will never stop being queer. I’m sick of people who should be understanding thinking I’m somehow ‘less gay’ because I like boys. Hello! Since when was it a competition? I was under the impression my sexuality was just that, my own. As in, why won’t people trust me that it is what I say it is, and that that is no worse than their own?

Yeah, that started off almost intelligent sounding and disintegrated near the end, so basically, the word gay describes a person’s relationships with their own gender, it says nothing about it to others, and liking other genders doesn’t make you ‘confused,’ attention seeking or any less queer.

Beryl's picture

I wish he knew.....

firefeather32: how incredibly cliche would it be if I said I liked him for his personality?
x1au2an0x: Incredibly cliche.
firefeather32: HAHAHAHA
firefeather32: basically

I win at life.

Beryl's picture

I wish it were that easy

I keep trying to explain, but it's difficult. Hearts are like children, they see in black and white. They just weren't made to understand complicated things. Like fear, fear of being hurt. To a child, there is only what one wants and how to get it. To my heart, there is only you and your gods damn beautiful eyes. I keep trying to explain that you're afraid, but my heart doesn't understand.

It still thinks I should just ask you to come out to play.

Beryl's picture

1:13 a.m.

Nerves like nothing else, I begin to shake from the inside out. Just thinking of facing you, saying the truth, that's all it takes. Isn't it sad, you make me quake. And then you make me rhyme about it, but it isn't even you I can blame, it's all me. You just laugh that way you do, I'm the one that can't feel normal and watch you too. When we're away, I can pretend it's no big deal, act strong, aloof. But then you're in the room, and everything is so real, and normal and, for the first time that day, maybe even good, how could I strain that? How could I break it? Hypocrisy. It's my favorite dirty pleasure. I say I hate to lie, but dare not strain this one. Just this one, this blurry six month lie. Is that so bad? To let myself enjoy the illusion that maybe you give two shit about me, maybe you really care? I know what I should do. Tell you. I cover it carefully, tuck it in and hide it under the pretense of 'not wanting to ruin our friendship.' Which is true, and that's half the problem. It isn't your fault I love to watch you laugh. But is it my fault you keep ignoring the ‘no trespassing’ signs and wandering into my dreams anyway?

Beryl's picture

And life goes on.....

Things that are wicked cool about this week:

- tomorrow is Day of Silence at my school, and me and Dragon are so hyped becuase we have 77 people participating, and we were so our own two person committee setting it up and yeah, we are so cool.

- A is being wicked cute at life, as usual. That boy confuses the crap out of me, and I really kind of like it.

- Rachelle is coming over tomorrow night. *big grin* enough said.

Beryl's picture

I believe this is what is called a 'good day'

When I was a kid, maybe 11, I read a book called Catkin with this part about faeries and falling into the faery queen or whoever the lady was's deep green eyes. Being an early onset fantasy buff, I loved it of course. The same kind of scene set-up pops up all the time, in book and song, mostly in romance.
But it's never happened to me. I have never 'gotten lost' in someone's eyes, nor 'fallen into' them. And I make eye contact a lot, mostly because it's the only halfway reliable way to tame my ADD enough to hold a polite conversation. So I've always kinda wondered if it was just a massively popular over-dramatization or something, the whole thing with eyes that writers and my sister seems to have. (lol)

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