"It's writing time!", I say in my mind at 6:07 while I wait till it's time to see the doctor in France. I really can't write but I can try.
You see, the situation is I'm seeing this guy, this guy I met over livejournal. We talked a little though livejournal and email and when we acctually met we got pretty hot n heavy oat a club. We've been seeing each other about every other day since then. Part of me is saying this what I always wanted. Another part it saying I don't know.
Sorry guys I just figured out my password situation for Oasis. I't been a while and an update is sorely overdue. I'm in Europe right now, specificaly Madrid. I've been travling aroud Spain and Portugal fro teh last two weeks. Before them I was doing a language porgram in Grenoble, France. On Wendsday I'm going to Parist to study gfor teh rest of the semseter. So much has happened since the last time I've updated here. I feel like I'm starting to chance a bit in a good way. I'm also getting a chance to better explore my sexuality and through it my own sense of self. There is way too much to write in the time that I have but I will be back.
I'm staring down my 20th birthday. I'll spend it in france, probably in class. It's been so long since i've written here r anywhere and though i say that just about every time I make a post here, I think it' especially important now. I see myself writing long intimate journal entries while I'm studying abroad but I haven't been able to write anything recently when there has been so much happening.
I don't know what i have to say today besides, I'm exhausted. I've been in the darkroom on m campus for the last two days making prints for my final projects. At one point yesterday I was looking at the darkroom with the same fear that a small chid has of the dentist. I finally stopped when I "accidentally" exposed all of m paper.
I learned two things this weekend.
1) I like the touch of another man, one in particular (but that's another story).
On a rainy day, a real rainy day of spring, the most tell tale sign, beyond the umbrellas are the earthworms on the pavement. It's somewhat sad what happens to them, their homes in the ground made unbearable by the rising water, its warmth lost to them as they are forced to find another way. This way is more dangerous and has no clear end. Many die as pedestrians, too busy to look down trample the refugees on their way to somewhere else.
I've been thinking about things. Dating, game, choices and I came to a realization. I've been here, in college for almost two years and I haven't really gotten to the point of having solid prospects. In that time, I've found prospects when I'm around people my age outside of school.
I played the eye game at conference in New York. It took a while but I think I got him to play with me. Over the summer, I get a guy's attention at a party through sheer force of will and well placed glances. When I think of these things, I have to wonder if perhaps it is possible for me to attract men whom I find attractive.
Today, out of sheer force of procrastination I logged onto friendster. If you don't know about it, it's an online community where people post profiles and are linked to each other through their friends.
So I was browsing, I changed my photo cause it was old and I didn't like it, saw how my fiends profiles had changed then went to the gallery. It's where you can view all the profiles on you personal network (friends of friends of friends who are almost invariably strangers to me) and filter the results by sex, age geography, wether their looking form men or women... I of course searched for the profiles of men seeking men in my area.
Every time I log on here after not being back for awhile I'm horrified by my what my last two entries are. I think it's cause I'm often writing here when I'm livid or wired over something or my lack of something. Late at night, on holidays, when I'm depressed, when I'm happy (too happy), and all the others times that I can't describe seem to be the time that I write on Oasis.
I hope this is a different time and I think it might be because I'm left without a whole lot to say.
it's almost 2 in the morning, I have a kinda bad headache but it doesn't matter cause I'm having good conversation with interesting people/person and I need to write my new year's resolution. It is New Years of course!
I can't believe my last post was a month and a half ago. Updates:
The semester is over, I'm still waiting for my grades from what was supposed to be my raising GPA term and so far much is left to be desired. Hopefully next semester will be better, I'll adjust to my room, manage my time and make freshmen do all the important work in COLORS.
I understand the implications of my subject statement and no, I don't believe procrastination is anything like cocaine. But I needed a title.
This will be a n interesting entry that does not revolve around the ass I'm not getting but instead around my hopes and dreams as a human being.
I really like Photography and I really like my camera. I spent most of all summer earning for it and most of the year planning how to purchase it. My only dilemma is that I'm not an art student, I'm a Computer Science major and a campus activist. I've taken on Photography Course in high school where I produced most of the images that I'm especially proud of. Since then I haven't produced as much because I don't have the time to put into it (especially the darkroom stuff) and I don't have the money to pay for regular film development. I've decided to change all that though.
I had a different blog entry in mind of tonight. I was going to call it "A.D.D. Dick" but when i tried to go to Oasis, my internet was being difficult so I wrote in my my personal journal. By the time I finished I realized that it's content was not appropriate/ far too embarrassing for me to place on Oasis. So it's censored.
I did come to an interesting little realization when i looked thought my personal journal file and a damn good question. "Why are my longest entries about the pursuit some guy/guys?" I feel this is far to shallow of me and quite disappointing. I have other things that move my mind, like indecision over what i want to study. I want to take brilliant, moving pictures but I haven't picked up my camera in weeks. My deep down desire is to be artistic but I know it won't pay the bills so I'll work so much that I don't have time for it. Why is that not in my writing? Is is because I have a camera but not a boyfriend? I don't know.
I keep sitting here thinking of these grand poetic things to say that end up being nothing like I imagined. It's friday night and like many a friday night I don't want to work. I'm stressed out and i can;t sleep. all I want is to be around people, sitting talking, bullshitting, in front of the TV or a meal or a movie. Unfortunately I can't have that here. There is the random party which is either grinding and liqueur or cliques and alcohol, great places for sketch and drunkenness but not for what I don't have outside of home.
Tonight is the coming out week party. It's going on as I type and I'm sitting here. Why? Because I really can't stand the music and I'm kinda sick of it. It's all ultra-pop/bad pop and I can't get into enough to dance. I was trying too. Really trying and I couldn't do it. I would just look around with this, OMG this sucks look on my face and hope they play some Outkast. The Outkast wouldn't come though. They didn't even play any Michael Jackson and he's the king of pop. I ended up doing something thai haven;t done in a very long time and that is to leave in the middle of the party. Normally I would just chalk this up to a bad DJ and mark is as a crappie weekend but this is the 3rd of three queer parties that I've really not enjoyed. Right before I left my friend came up to me and said "I'm sorry, you just don't fit in." He was joking and maybe a little tipsy but those words had merit. Maybe I just don't fit in. If half the queer people on this campus are at the party and enjoying themselves then maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't have many close friends in that community, I go to events but i don't mingle. I don't drink!
I'm on break now and I still have a mountaion of things to do yet no desire to do them. I'm home in my sister's room on her computer and I'm typing away..away, away away. I need glasses, Badly. I like boys who may or may not like me and whom I should or should not be liking and it's sunny outside so sunny and beautiful.
I'm mad tired right now but I can't go to bed cause I have to catch a train. Soon, very soon and I want to go catch it to go home. It hit me really hard yesterday that I needed to go home and see my family. But I'm tried and inarticulate and often incoherent. I'm sleeping at this keyboard...