There are times when you just don't want to be anymore. You want to disappear into the everything around you. Seep through the cracks in the old linoleum flooring, blend in with the discolored paint on the walls. Do anything just so no one wiil see you, no one will talk to you. But you can't do that. All the atoms, each and every molecule in your body won't conform and let you become invisible to the world. So you don't. You just sit and try to stay as quiet as possible, staring at that one spot on the wall. Just staring and staring...
I see it, in my mind's eye. The way it was. The way it must have been. You see, I wasn't there. I wanted to be. Somehow in my child like mind, I would have been able to do SOMETHING. But I wasn't there. I caused it, and could not have the chance to rectify it.
The orange and yellow red tipped flames rage upward, devouring the walls, swallowing the furniture, licking at the papers, turning them black and making them curl. Those beautiful flames, killing the heart and soul of a quiet haven, surrounded by woods and animals. The birds sing on.
The sun is shining. My window is open. The snow is mostly gone. And I am fairly happy. Fresh air and sunshine do wonders for me.
I am going to be turning 18 in two months and a day. That is very exciting. I am going to be getting a tattoo of a symbol phoenix on that day. Theres a lot of reasons why I chose that but I shan't go into detail. Turning 18 is rather amusing. Although it makes my mother rather sad. I want be a "child" anymore. I guess I haven't turned out so poorly after alll.
I have been accepted to Elfwood! Woot!!
For those of you who are not familar with Elfwood, its an amazing art and writing site composed mainly of fantasy and sci-fi themes. I applied for a gallery to post some of my drawings and I was accepted earlier tonight. I am extremely excited! This is a great away to get my artwork viewed.
I am working on finishing up a few pieces. A minimum requirement of four pieces is set, so I've got to work on that. I am not sure which four I am going to put up first.
I came out to you, showed you what I am inside. Let you see the real me. You read my writings. What more do you want?
So I'm not the perfect daughter you expected. I havent fufilled your every wish, made your dream come true. Thats not a reason to hold the world against me. I am trying my best to be everything to you. I know thats not the way it should be in your mind. I shouldnt have to try I should just be, is that how it is? Well, I am sorry to tell you this mother, I am not you. I am not a younger version of you. I can't just pick up where you left off.
HI! *tries to make a triumphant return, slips on ice and falls flat on my ass* well. Yah. Welcome back to me.
I don't know where to even begin on this. Heh. The world keeps moving and damn it, I can just never keep up. You know how theres always that one little kid tripping on their untied shoelaces? Well, thats me. Lol. I am the queen of analogies. "Its like poking a sleeping cat in the eye...BAD IDEA."
I need someone. Someone who cares. I want that special someone. Who understands, who loves me for who I am, who can honestly say they care. Someone whose hand fits perfectly in mine.
I start to wonder. Truly think about running away from this place. Get away from everyone and everything. Find some place where I can start over, be who ever I want. Then I think about it and I realize I could never do that. Thats just not who I am.
When I say whatever, I am being impartial. I am not trying to be an ass. Just to clear that up.
I can't handle it anymore. Things that shouldn't get to me are getting under my skin and pissing me off immensely. I can't take the people I live with and the way I am informed of shit right before it happens. What am I ten? No. I'm seventeen. Feel free to include me in whats going on in my own god damn house. When my fourteen year old brother knows more about whats going on then me, theres something wrong. Sometimes I just need to take myself out of the situation before I completely crack and fall apart which is what I would do if I stuck around. GAH! I just can't do anything right. I always fuck something up. I don't understand it!
The semi formal dance was last night. And I actually went. And I s'pose I didnt look all too bad. But whatever...
However, I am not dating my ex again. Alot of people thought I am but no. We just danced. Because hes a really good dancer. Plus he was the only other person present to dance with. Cause it was Chris, Corey, Nicole, and I that hung out together all night. I mean people wandered over from time to time. But it was mainly us four.
I have decided to take on a specific task for my own peace of mind, and because I heart Melissa Etheridge and the kind of message her songs get across. With that said, here is what I intend to do:
I have a list composed of six of her songs from various cds, all of which I own and know by heart because I have been listening to her since I was 3. Anyway! Here are the songs:
This world isn't fucking fair. I knew that. I've always known that, somewhere in my mind. Its always been there, taunting me, telling me I didn't belong, to turn back and give up. But being the stubborn, independent shit that I always thought I was, I kept pressing forward, testing every limit, pressing every button. I always thought I could make them see life the way I did, feel the emotions I felt, see what I saw. I never thought that it wouldn't be possible. That I would be crushed everytime I tried.
Lets see, I shall list the bad first because I know that when I get to the best part of the last couple of days it will make me smile and feel better. So with that said, here we go:
1.) The tab key on our keyboard is no longer working. YET AGAIN! It does this, from time to time, just for the hell of it I guess. But I hate it. The end.
2.) My cell isn't working. Why? I have no idea. I think its because its a sucky prepaid one thats slightly old and very well used.
"...And then it all started falling into place inside my mind. Like a fucked up puzzle. Each agonizing moment, drawing, song, thought, breathe came back. Attacked me. And I can't handle it. When was I ever able to handle anything? I never was. I used to think I could. Used to think I was strong. What a fucking joke. I have never been strong. I fooled myself into thinking that. Its never been true. It never will be true. I will always crack and fall to pieces thats just how its going to be. I can try and change it all I want but this darkness is always going to fill me. I am always going to fear myself and the damage I can do. Its always going to be there. Seeping into my veins, poisioning my soul. And I can't do anything about it. Resort to old habits. Get that shaking in my hands, that slight twitch in my mind telling me to go for it, that no one will care, no one will notice. And I want to sooooo badly. Its killing me inside. I am trying. Trying so damn hard that it almost seems pointless. A waste of energy. Energy I could be putting into my habits. Building them up. Until one day they take over. I let them win. I let myself go. And no one would notice. I would watch myself drift away...
Okay, I have to do this! You don't even understand people!!!!! There is this truely astounding author named Alex Sanchez. He wrote the book "Rainbow Boys" and its sequel "Rainbow High". Both are truly AMAZING books and so....I don't even know how to explain it! All I know is I can't stop smiling since reading the second book and I believe Heather (beryl) who read the first one, can verify what I am rambling about!
I am attempting to reconstruct the GSA at my school and I am so incredibly nervous. Only because I am presenting myself as some form of a leader. The whole thing kind of fell apart because the teacher advisor doesnt give a shit. And someone needs to take charge just a little bit in order for it to run.
Basically I want the GSA to be strong, and exist to give others the support they need. Also we need to educate the other students in school. I am thinking that the younger kids just dont know any better. And that needs to be solved. And I am working damn hard on this.