I think I just broke part of my hand. See, I was upset, or am upset, or have been upset and instead of cutting I punched the wall...repetitiously. Joy.
Anyway. My guidance counselor is STILL avoiding me. I almost failed (like three points away from) an essay test when I THOUGHT I knew how to write, and my ferret died yesterday when he wasn't even six months old. Pissed off? You betcha.
Other than that nothing important. I spent over an hour writing TWO paragraphs on one of my THREE college essays of different topics. That annoyed me. Grammar is not my thing evidently. Although every year I go into english and my teacher tells me that I have no idea what I am doing and whatever teacher I had the previous year taught me incorrectly. Can someone please get their shit together and fill me in???????????????
Felt this incredible need to blog. Dont know why. Just did. Havent had that feeling in a while. In a way its kinda a relief, like finally giving in to an addiction.
There is really nothing I HAVE to say. Nothing I feel like I NEED to get out. Its weird. Everything is caught up inside me. I havent been able to write anything. Like a whirlwind inside, a force preventing me from talking about how I feel, what I think, what has happened. I dont understand it. Probably never will. Thats just the way it goes sometimes.
Feeling kind of unwanted. Although Chris wont ever leave me a lone and I have no idea why. It drives me crazy. Of course it always has. But I dont want to be anywhere around Chris, not all the time, and I never want a relationship again. Not with Chris. Ever. It just wont ever work. And being single is a relief. Atleast with that relationship. So ready to leave all of that drama behind.
So yah. I have not cut in ages. Well maybe not ages, but its a pretty good record for me. Or atleast I thought...
About a week ago I was sitting in the living room listening to my sister bitch at me, and my mother rant at me, and everything pretty much falling apart around me. Thats when I realized what I was doing. For god knows how long, I have been absentmindedly picking up random things and finding a sharp edge somewhere on it, and scratching myself with it. Like etching into my hand, my arm, anywhere where I could see blood. So I suppose I have stopped one habit and picked a smaller, less noticeable, even to myself, habit to fill its space.
So I haven't written a REAL blog in a while. Just haven't had the motivation, or discussion topics to do so. Eh, we can't all be little socialites! *wink* Although I have done A LOT of stuff. Just don't care to share sometimes. *shrug*
Allie called me the other day and since theres some sort of pattern going with the sharing of ex stories I might as well talk about the Allie Monster.
At the time she was about two years older than me, she had a no-fucking-with-me attitude and that was appealing. My mother was dating so many different people that I felt lost and alone and Allie was the kind of person who got what she wanted, when she wanted it, and that "it" was me. So we started dating. At first it was nice. She was the attention that I needed. She "loved" me and she was there for me. But then it got to be too much, she needed me more than I needed her. She got violent and she got mean.
But thats all in the past now. We broke up a while ago, and things are better now. Until she calls me. Which she does often and at the most random times. Usually Allie just calls to complain, and to plead and beg with me. Fun fun fun. But I know better than to go back to her. Even at times like this when I feel at my lowest point. Someday I will have a partner who loves me for me, and I love just as much.
I *heart* Heather and Dragon! You guys made my night a lot better! Thank you so much!!
Wow. Its been a month since I last entered a blog here. Stunning.
I haven't done much writing. I haven't found much time. Well, you get the picture...Happens to a lot of people I imagine.
A lot of not great stuff has happened in the past month. Actually, in the last week. I think being production personage for the plays gave me ridiculously bad luck.
Last wednesday my dad got into a car accident. He blacked out and hit a guard rail. Hes not young so his recuperation hasn't been too speedy. Plus they are screwing around with his diabetes medication and such. Then this Thursday Anthony got into a car accident. But hes a jackass and I don't even want to think about him right now. And then last night, fifteen minutes before I left for the plays, we found out that a family friend was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver less than a month ago and was buried on wednesday. I had to watch a memorial thing about him before I left and it was bad. I held all the pain and what not in until like the very end of the night, and then I just couldnt handle it anymore.
I needed to do something, anything. So I am typing. Why not? I would draw but I am beginning to doubt myself again. Which I find, I do far too often.
I am wrong. My world is wrong. Everything is wrong.
Okay. Well at the moment everything seems wrong. Even though somewhere in all the darkness, there is light. Somewhere.
Lost my job today. I wanted thursdays off, they said fine. I come back to work and they say the girl they hired to work thursdays needs more than one day a week to work so they gave her three, i will work two days a week. i think thats completely unfair but two is better then none. i walk in today and they tell me that the girl needs to work the full week or she cant pay for the car she couldnt afford to buy. i am out of a job. how that works i do not know and i dont think i will ever know. i was hired first. i wanted one day a week to myself. was that really too much to ask? i guess so. i do intend to speak my mind tomorrow before they leave. since they made it sound like letting me work tomorrow is some sort of privilege when all i wanted to do today was get the hell outta there. *sigh*
Ha! That title has absolutely nothing to do with what I am going to type about. LMAO. I am so damn random...
I wish I believed in myself. I really REALLY wish I believed in my art. Or atleast my drawings. That would be a HUGE improvement. Wishing never gets me very far.....
Completely, head over heels, madly in love. Like fireworks type thing...Yup. Its official...Love.....
Its like a gigantic maze. The moment you step inside you are locked in with a deafening slam of finality. Theres no way out until you have found it yourself after every wrong turn. The walls seem to get taller and they creep in closer. The light disappears fast and panic sets in.
I haven't blogged in ages. Sorry. Lynn and mum's CU has gotten a little out of hand and for some unknown reason they are consulting me on every single detail. Right. Well I know nothing about CUs or weddings for that matter, so I guess I am just glad that they have some faith in me....I sure as hell don't.
I haven't blogged in what feels like forever. I didn't really have anything of any merit to say. Technically I still don't. But I felt bad, like I was neglecting Oasis or something. *shrug*
"Why do I feel like that one person that everyone avoids at all costs, running in the opposite direction as soon as paths cross and skirts around their very existence?"
"But I do know that I feel like that crazy person talking to themself while sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons that everyone walks around but stares at like a circus freak show."
So apparently when I am feeling avoided, my writing kicks in.
I could say you aren't here anymore
but that would be a lie
because you are everywhere to me
in the golden sunshine
a bird's morning song
the cascading rainfall
and the wind whispering through the trees.
Most importantly however
you are in my heart
and you will always be.
Even though you aren't here
to talk to me
or just stand by me
you are with me in spirit
and I will never forget that.
I love you Gramps, and I always will.