Guess what? One of my poems is gonna be published! In a book!!!! Yay! I think this is the exact boost that I needed to my confidence as a writer. Atleast I hope it will help my confidence.
So my mum and her gf are plotting to hook me up with some girl I dont know. Like I want to date a complete stranger!!!! Grrrrowl. Why cant they let me decide who I date?
Havent we played this game?
Traveled this road?
Found it to be too dark?
So why are we there again?
Why did we return to it?
Couldnt we have run?
Passed it by?
But no we cant
We found that out the hard way
Every single time
Always visiting the gloom
For one last time
Yet every time is the last
Hold on tight
Because here we go again
Stumbling down this unwanted path
Into the dark to greet Hell
is sick? ::raises hand:: Yah, I am good at that. Getting sick...I suppose I should sleep more often..Oh well.
My mother and her gf were talking about some strange things this morning. I couldnt really tell exactly what everything was about cause I was trying to sleep on the couch but some of it was about me. Fun fun fun. Grrrowl. I thought she was going to stop giving out my sn and let me find someone to be with when I wanted to, but apparently not. Her and her gf are planning something. I dont know what, but I dont think its a good thing. I have to spend most of tuesday with my mother so I guess I will find out what it is then.
Watching the Melissa Etheridge dvd and cursing myself for eating.....fun fun fun.........I had a very good afternoon...lotsa fun.........I am dead tired though. I have slept around 5 hours in the last two days. Gettin a little monotonous(sp?)....But I cant prevent it or help it...I just dont sleep. ::Chants "Must sleep" repeatedly:: Yah. So anyways....got a voice mail from Lena....I think I am ready to move on now. Let go of the memories of Allie, and the hurt and pain, and just move on. Find someone who truly cares and loves me. I have been harboring these terrible pains and anger inside me for so long and I have cried over them, relived them, was angry about them, and I can finally let them go.
Its wicked late and I am awake again! Just like last night....or this morning....or whatever. I had a slightly rough afternoon....Looking forward to the rest of the weekend however.....As long as my mum doesnt destroy it....She wants to have breakfast tomorrow and "talk". That was never a good thing in the past...But who knows....I have some serious insomnia....It sucks....That and I have an eating issue.
more poems.....for those of you that didnt get to read them cause I am a dumb blonde and forgot.....so I didnt have my notebook with me......
I walked away
from the world
the town I knew
into the woods
away from it all
I walked away
to find my niche
my place to be
where do I belong?...............
A poem by da Lisa Faery:
shocking and brilliant
but painful as hell
thorns sharp and menacing
a defense system
HAD ENOUGH!!!!! Its amazing I haven't run away already! I am sure thats one of my next ventures....yah running away seems like the next step. I dont understand my family. I dont understand them at all and they are driving me into the furthest reaches of insanity!
Having an off day, just like every other.
I am kinda less depressed because I got to watch this awesome art movie in English. It was on realism, impressionism, and post impressionism. Watching Degas, Manet, Monet, Van Gogh, and Renoir paintings on video for an hour is soooo awesome. All the different colors, techniques, subjects, and paintings themselves ::shivers:: Amazing, utterly amazing!!!!!
with my lesbian mother and her girlfriend...good times good times. Some girl slapped my ass....few moments later a guy grabbed my ass....interesting....wonder what it is about my ass.........I am procrastinating on doing a writing assignment for English. I cant think of anything to describe. Bad, its bad. Also procrastinating on finishing math homework....blah....icky math...........Its cold.....So I have decided the next step in this hell hole called life is drugs....yup drugs....sounds right.....Any advice? Anyone?......Not that it matters......Living in a nightmare......Apparently my mother's wedding is being planned for October 18th 2003....Should be interesting....It means getting new clothes....always a plus.....I have to find someone to bring to the reception so I am not there with all of my mother's creepy internet and dance club friends....they are a scary bunch...Linkin Park cd comes out on Tuesday!!!!! EEEEEEEEe!!!!!!! Cant wait.
So uh yah. My sister got accepted to Emerson, which is good and bad. Her acception is my denial. It accentuates all the things I cant do in life and how untalented I truly am. Its depressing, but what isnt these days????
I honestly do think something is wrong with me. Its like spiraling downward sharply and not being able to do anything to save myself. The only two things I value these days are my paints, and scissors. Generally anything sharp will do. I cant believe how fake my life is in some senses. I have become quite skilled at forcing smiles and laughs. Its amazing.
Thats the one thought raging through my head....I think Chris is completely gone. Atleast the Chris I once knew. He is completely psycotic now! One moment I am like his best friend the next I am some raving bitch who couldnt mean less to him. I really dont need this right now either. Its scary because recently he has gotten violent. He completely flipped out on me today, and with my past, it just makes me want to run away from the world.
Of taking my writing and doing something with it. Every one tells me I can write and I have the talent, but in a way I fear it. I fear rejection and negative comments. Although the negativity only provides me with a reason to prove people wrong. I dont know what to do with my writing. I write and write but thats it. And my english teacher doesnt tell us about any writing contest things because in her words "you are honor students and can strive to do better things with your lives". But to me there is nothing better than writing and being a writer. So that kinda puts me in a tough situation. I am highly pissed off that my school dropped Advanced Creative Writing. And since my creative writing teacher is leaving I cant use him as my teacher in an Independent Study next year. I have disliked all but one of my last three English teachers so yet again I am screwed. My first english teacher didnt like me, my second one was the one i liked but she left and my third and present teacher obviously doesnt value writing as much as I do. ::sigh:: My writin' is going to hell.
Have this friend. But we are not what we used to be. First of all I feel like I have been lied to. Like everything our friendship was based upon was merely a game. I dont understand why this is happening but I am so mad about it. All of a sudden they are not who they were when we first met. Its all changed. And so rapidly. Its painful as all hell.
I have a major pet peeve: People who come out to some people as gay but bi to others. How the fuck does that work?!??? To some people your gay but to others that you dont want to know your bi????!!!!? I dont think so. It doesnt work that way. To me it screams "I WANT ATTENTION AND TO BE DIFFERENT SO I AM GOING TO LIE!!!". Yah I dont appreciate that. Not at all. But thats how the above mentioned person is acting lately.
I have previously blogged today but this has become similar to an open book journal for me and in a normal (what the fuck is normal?) situation I would write whenever the need arose. The need is now.
Feeling a lot of anguish right now and I wish I could pinpoint why. Something inside of me is hurting and if I had to guess what, I would say my heart. But yet again I don't know why. One moment I am all right and the next on the verge of tears. All I know is I am struggling with some pain and some issues but there is no one for me to talk to.