crisp and clean.
the fresh morning air is sharp.
small patches of white amongst the green.
breathtaking when you wake up to the awesome silence of falling snows.
you walk to the window on soft bare feet.
open it, inhale.
precious is the silence that ensues.
you find it no where else.
run down the carpeted stairs to find no one down below.
there is this blissful arras of beauty held up against the bright light.
darkness. affiliated with the waves of the insane.
heated debating of the souls.
where have we gone?
where are our second chances?
we have had our time now?
i do not know.
what else is there?
~GIRL WITH A PUDDLE~
she wakes in a puddle of mud.
she is soaked to the bone.
cold and screaming.
she sits and looks around.
there is nothing but this darkness and her puddle.
here i am, come find me
i wait for you in the dark
where have you gone now?
sometimes im afraid to lose you
but how can i be when you choose to stay away
i dont know what to do
to gain your confidence again
please, give me another chance
you are my gawdess
im so sorry i let you go
i should have not given you a choice
i should have said how much i cared
i should have held you tight
i should have said im sorry before now
okay i work in a video store and all the time i see the porn coming in and out of the store. some people rent like five porns at a time! which is a lot. most people rent one two at the most. at first i really thought the stuff was just gross and disgusting. and it is still, but some part of me wonders what it would be like to watch it with my girlfriend and see her getting all turned on while she had her beautiful gorgeos eyes on the tv. some of the guys that come in are really disgusting though. they like try to touch my hand when i give them their change and they smile at me like their stoned. i hate that it makes me feel gross. dirty like i need a shower or something, i dunno maybe i just need to get out more. does anyone else think porn might be okay, or even just mature movies cause those arent as bad and anyone can rent them.
the curves of your hips
the fragrance of your skin
the sparkle in your eyes
i see you with new perspective
you were once my best friend
but now i see you as a beautiful vibrant woman
take my hand and ill lead you into the world of the passionate
i lay you down on the bed
you warn me of your innocence
i tell you that it is okay
my hand slides up your inner thigh
moving your silk dress aside
here i am sitting at the computer thinking about all kinds of things.
i wonder sometimes if people think the same things as me when i think them.
i need time and i need space from this place. i need less people and more environment. i need somewhere where i can go and be by myself for a while where i can just think.
somewhere else besides this place this horrid dry place. i cant stand to think what will happen to me if i stay locked up here forever. i feel locked up like im caged and there is no where i can go to get away. lost the lost child am i. maybe if i try hard enough i can dissapear and go away from this place. maybe. i dont feel my age i feel older and i feel like i am going too fast. even though time is slow. i feel like so many things are happening and im not aware or im aware and i cant catch up with everyone else.
the thickness of her hair is like waves of satin
she stares into my face looking into my eyes
she searches for something
i do not know what
where are you my love?
what do you seek?
where did you go while i was asleep?
i see other worlds in the glassy surface of her deep blue eyes
she looks up and sees me watching her
she smiles and blows me a kiss
oh god how i have come to love her
my blood thickens
i hear her coming
she lurks beside me in the dark
she halts as the night closes over me suddenly
she is coming
she is there to wait
to purge the world of its innocence and crime
where am i
sitting in the dark
she follows the shadows closely
there, in the night
i see her approach
she steps out of the shadows
she glittered like the face of a diamond in the dark. she was sitting at the table drinking her cafe latte and it didnt surprise me when she said i could sit down. she was like a darkness i had never known. so sad and so determined to see the darkness in everything around us. she was a princess. my gothic mistress. she smiled at me when i asked her how the weather had been. she said that it had been gloomy. as always. she said that it had been raining for days on end. she looked into my face and i still to this day do not know what she saw there. it frightened her though im sure. because i too had once been someone's someone. i too had once been a gothic mistress of the night. i too had once used excuses to cover up my absences from life. she could not justify why i was there with her. she was unable to encourage further conversation so i asked her, "what is it like?" she didnt know what to say. so instead she asked, "what, what is like?"i pulled up the sleeve of my arm and showed her the several hundred cuts along my once perfectly white arm. she nearly gasped at this hideous sight of self destruction. but she could not hide from me what she was really thinking. she was thinking of how survived and how she herself was on the verge of something as 'subtle' as suicide.
DEAF POUNDING INSIDE MY HEAD. I HEAR YOU COMING, AM I DEAD?
NEVER NEAR, NEVER FAR. YOU RUN AWAY, BUT THERE YOU ARE.
FAR AWAY FROM HERE I AM, ON A GRAVE MADE OF SAND.
READ THE POEM UPON MY STONE. YOU LEFT IT THERE, YOU STAND ALONE.
THE LIES, THEY CREEP INTO MY MIND. I AM HEARING THEM ALL THE TIME.
YOU TRAP ME HERE INSIDE. I AM DISGUSTED THAT YOU LIED.
I WAIT FOR THE PAIN TO SUBSIDE. YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU'D PROVIDE.
i now feel my wounds that are inner and i caress them roughly for this brings a sensation i know i like. enough is what is happening inside me. enough is how i feel. more you say? okay. i go on in spite of the darkness which threatens to entrap my mind. brightness invades these curtains, now we must draw then aside. awaken to a clean fresh mind. a clean fresh opportunity for me to be happy. do not fear little one you are safe in your own arms. i believe in it. i believe in this love, this blinding sensational appetite i have for new loving. open to me lovely. open to me. spread yourself wide. i know that you cried. settle yourself between my thighs and feel the warmth destined to encompass you. immerse yourself in me, let yourself be free. just try to accompany, these great swarms of infant minds awaiting your designs. you lay in my lap, the sun beating down on your lithe naked self. and we commence to heat up to leak into eachother. to break upon the shores to cast away these fears to transcend to higher imaginings. hold me and you'll see how it is to be happy. i lift me up and pray to goddess today. i say your name with prid. i am not going to hide. sing with me now the harp will join our song. we'll dance all night long. in my arms we'll stay, for always. write me a lullaby so that together we may cry. cry words of warriors and of queens of giant pigs with wings. more is wanted on my part. i know how tired you are. just a little longer, open for me baby. an endearment such as this shows me you're in bliss. look here in my eyes, see that i'm not telling you lies. cover you with my pelt of patches and of pines. we make love on fields of green, rolling hills on trenchers which are long. in these boats of substance which make you drunk on life. pine for me my love. pine while im away. your conscience will hold out no matter what you say. listen, hear the choral sound of angels world wide, they sing endlessly. here we are now, in a boat above the bow. sailing away, far, afar away to places we'll never even stay. to return to our home in the womb of the world in the embrace of sea spanned depth of ocean's bluest tides of darkest northern sides. i am not alone. i am not alone. currents upon the air floating up into the sky. forward with our lives. fire breathing in our soul, fire heating up my belly. creeping into my loins when i see you opposite me.come here into my heart. settle no less apart. beating one in one holding on to sin as if it were my son. is it enough to breathe? is it enough to die? look here into my mind, its where the answers lie. warmth all over, from my toes to my brain. a furnace of understanding, a bowl overflowing with trust. thats you this is me together on the wonders of the invisible. in winter, in the dark we'll lay beneath the snow, caressing our cores, holding in which means more. no more now, lets sleep. i love i love, my love. curls of brown tresses soft against my cheeks, rosy red lips to kiss away the pain. now i am ready to feel you. to really feel you, inside and out. all over. this is sensual, this is the end. this is the definition of living. and no one says it like i do.
Light, enduring dark. these lit flames. these flames create shadows which caress my body as i lay sleeping in the dark room behind my closed eyes. we dance, a bonfire within me, makes warmth throughout my being. i feel the plush grass beneath my chapped feet. i feel my hands touching the secret places of my soul. i feel my heart beating when it should not. i taste life on the tip of my tongue. i taste the sea on the wind as i swallowthe air, oxygen to carbon dioxide.
your words, they are rough
you say your love will always be enough
but it seems more like your
abuse goes on and on
when did it come down to this?
when did you stop loving me?
did you ever love me at all?
well, im not sorry
cause, i dont love you at all
and im not sticking around
to find out how mad you will get
dad, im not like you
not at all
how can you see yourself in me?
doesnt that scare you?
i always feel at times when the darkness takes over that i am not good enough for everyone else. my father used to tell me that everything i did wasnt good enough and that i needed to do it and not try. i hate that saying. dont try just do it. my father said it to me all the time and pretty soon i grew to hate him. not just because of his hurtfuil words but because of all the times he hit me and than said he loved me. what kind of love is that? thats what i ask. my therapist says i have handled the depression and the cutting and the abuse quite well, or else i might be dead. i guess. im glad today that i didnt have the guts to go through with it all the times i tried. but still sometimes i wish i did. sometimes.
im so glad that my mother told me something today.
she said that she had a compliment for me from my therapist.
my therapist had come to see me at work and rent some movies.
i work in a video store. she said that i was more upbeat and that i was
more open with the customers and that iwas relating to them personally
she said it was great, a big step for me back into the social
also. my mother also told me that she finally sceduled an appointment