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blood in my sleep

this body of mine
feels so good when i do things to it
the knife
cuts into me like into butter
feels so good
cant get enough
slow agonizing pain
my pain is my pleasure

the red stuff running down my arm
feels cold but warm
tongue flicks out and i taste myself
bitter and salty
i squeeze it
watch it pouring out
what am i doing
im scarred

i run drop the knife
what can i do

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pain is pleasure

for the longest time i have been a fan of self mutilation.
i have numerous scars on my left arm. (i am right handed) i have cut and actually stabbed myself twice. which is a different story i will share later. but i feel like i have gotten out of it for the most part even though yesterday i tried to cut myself. but i for some reason didnt have the guts to do it. i am writing this because i need someone to relate to on this. is there anyone else out there who cuts? id like to talk. i even for a while got self mutilation mixed up with sex. it felt similar there was a buildup of pressure and a climax and this awesome feeling of goodness. purity. even though it isnt right that is how i always felt about it. it helped the other more significant pain go away. this pain was a certain pleasure. i loved it too much. anyway.

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we werent alone
she was there too
you let her go
i wish youd done the same for me
you fucked her
fucked her hard
then you turned
and saw me
you said how i was beautiful
and how you wanted to do nasty beautiful things to me
you lay in my lap
i shook with the overlying tension
you put your nasty coroded tongue in my innocent unkowing mouth

how was i to know?
how was i to understand?

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it was there
that face that was so beautiful
i could not catch my breath
i felt a stirring in myself
there were no others
a place so warm inside me
a hearts desire
i caress with so much care
i feel her, i feel her,
she feels me too
we are together
i understand everything now
life seems so clear
an open window in the sky
to a place where we can go
to a place where there are no stones being thrown

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my coming out story

i feel kind of pathetic putting only dreary stuffinto my journal but these are things i need to say.

my story.
it happened when i was fourteen. i woke up and felt that i was going to have a good day. i wished on a million stars that i would have the courage to do what i wanted to without hesitation and to show pride. i was at school and it was my freshman yeas. my closest friends new i was gay but only they knew. plus my mom who supports me although she thinks it is some kind of off phase. anyway. i had one other friend who was gay but she had a girlfriend and i was so in love with her. but thats another story. i was at shcool and i had recently decided that it was time to come out of the closet. i was proud of being what and who i was. and i wanted people to know the reasons and the choices. i wanted to be able to hold hands with my girlfriend and kiss on campus. like others did. but i never really got to. i was in pe class. which is probaly the woirst place to come out. i was with someone i thought i could trust and i told her. only loud enough for some others to hear. i didn't want to tell everyone separately. i told her and she told a bunch of other people with the wrong intentions. pretty soon i wasn't even aloud to go into the girls locker room to change. everyone was too paranoid that id touch them or that id look at them. every class i went to had people asking me if it was true. at first i didn't deny it. i wanted to be out. but people have the wrong idea and they dont like things they dont understand. soon after i started to hear rumors of odd things happening between me an other girls that i didn't even know. i was having orgies with ten other girsl all at the same time. and i was dating someone who was dating someone else and all this bull shit that i had nothing to do with and that i had no idea where it came from. people started to ask if the rumors were true. i told them no, then i started to get afraid and started saying that i wasn't gay to try to hide myself. well that didn't work. people already knew. i ended up having to change half my class schedule. i was being harrassed and people wouldn't leave me alone. luckily, the counselor did not discriminate against me. she helped me to get things straight. after i changed classes i was more confident in identifying who i was. so i didn't deny it any longer. yeah, eveyrone talked about me at some point, even if they didn't know who i was. some of closer friends too, left me and never spoke to me again. today i have a total of two friends that i communicate with. and i don't even know what happened to the others. some of them moved awayt and some of them stayed here and got pregnant and got married when they were seventeen. i still see some of them today at my place of work. but they igmore me and sometimes give me rude looks. i have over the years grown a streak of caution and meanness when some poeple talk to me and i never give myself away unless i have to.

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rant about school

okay here i go. this week has been stupid, only the one word for it. i have gone every day this week to summer school and my teacher is so stupid . okay maybe im just being mean but he can't pronounce anything!!!! he pronounced the prussian war as the pun war. oh well maybe im just mad because i had to sit through five hours in one single hot sweaty classroom full of hot sweaty people but hey it was alright considering that we watched movies a lot. okay now i have gone and switched my opinion. whatever to myself.

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my favorite song, so awesome.

True Colors
Phil Collins

you with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh i realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness, inside you
can make you feel so small.

but i see your true colors
shining through
i see your true colors
and thats why i love you
so dont be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful

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the love of a scarred heart

A woman, a girl.
Beautiful, every line, every curve, every inch of body breast and mind.
Incredible, the feeling you have when you make love to a woman, a girl.
Her eyes, they are hazel with chestnut hair and pink lips.
She parts her lips as she inhales, eager to be loved, by you, by me.
She holds the wine glass by the stem twirling her thumb and forfinger.
She takes a sip then licks the edge with the tip of her tongue.

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hell of a life part 2

where was i?
we moved here and i started to think about suicide and stuff that really wasn't healthy. i practiced self mutilation. and i tried to commit suicide about four times, obviously unsuccesful. my mother was worried. she married the second man of her life another jerk. i did the ultimate self mutilation when, on halloween night, i stabbed myself twice, and here is the scary part, i felt nothing. no pain and no happiness that was supposed to come with a feeling of intense relief, nope wasn't there, i started to cry and then my mother took me to the hospital in our little one horse town. afterthat my stepfather convinced my mother that i needed mental help. i was hospitalized a total of four times. and i was a successful recovery after the last time. i am proud of myself today and i feel great about who i am and the mistakes i have made because i have learned some awesome lessons. one of which is that no matter how bad off you think you are, there is always someone who has got it worse than you do. not a pleasant thought cause life can get pretty bad, but it helps me. i was later abused by several boyfriends and thus realized i did not like boys anymore. someone pointed out to me that i alwasy seemed more interested in females than in males.

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hell of a life

i believe strongly that everyone goes through bouts of hell in their life. well the longest one i have had lasted three years. i was abused by my father physically and verbally. he and my mother were mormon, but i felt that i didn't fit in with that kind of belief, i have mostly been significantly spiritual all my life. my parents got divorced and my mother turned metaphysical as well. my father had been a real jerk all his life. and the screwed up part is that he thought he should love my mom more than his own kids. he never touched a hand in anger to her, he never yealled or anything if it had to do with her. well. we moved to new mexico just before they got divorced and my mom became less docile and more open and free spirited. i am so proud of her today. she survived two awful marriages and me. after we moved to new mexico, i became a very sad and lonely person. all i could ever think about was my dad and how he used to hit me all the time, and how anything i did to please him wasn't good enough. bull shit, i say now.

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I'm New

gosh i feel great to have found this site where others like myself have found support and friends, i can't say how alone i have felt since coming out, i have hardly any friends left and i still get smirks and bad words thrown at me from time to time even though i came out in my freshman year at high school. now i am a senior. well, i don't care for sympathy but friends would be nice.
someone or people to talk to.

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