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Labels and Queerness

I have finally found the way to descibe myself when necessary: I am a baby byke. I could throw a flaming in there: I am a flaming baby byke. I think it sounds cool. I like to be able to tell someone what I am. Maybe it has something to do with my odd levels of trust in a friendship, I dunno. So I am a baby byke.

You know, I never realized that glbtq is like a complete subculture before. I', just beginning to get the "big picture," if you will. I mean wow. I'm 16 and I've been as out as I knew how (more and more as I get older) but I had no clue./ I see, like, these Queer Dictionaries and I'm like, "How can there be a dictionary?" I had no idea. Over half the words I've learned I know I won't ever use, but still ... it's like when you're half Hispanic and half Caucasian and you speak some Spanish just to emphasize your heritage and all but you don't constantly speak Spanish around your English-speaking friends. Odd analogy, but hey it works for me.

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Cream Soda

Yes, I know, after my mom read my journal I swore I would never keep another one. Well it's been what, three weeks and now I have another one. I call it, "The Fuschia Dayz" because the cover is purple. But this time, I have a secret hiding place for it that is so secret, I bet I'll forget where it is. That wouldn't be good, though ....

You know what I've noticed? The fact that every time I try to help one person, I hurt another person I know very badly.

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i swore -- an excerpt from an anti-journal

swore not to do this again never no more journals but damn it i need to write there's so much to feel

i lost my mind years ago so scared tired alone somthered cry shut up shut up don't talk to me like a child throwing a temper tantrum i'm not i'm just

just

shut up

i need a story a nightmare a fantasy cry rain as she lies on her back on the floor tears of silver tears do you know the kind i mean not silent trickling tears but rain tears with sobbing hurt pain losing someone you love agony and terrified child in a closet of blood fear rip your heart out tears that kind

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lmao damn the summertime song

Thank you all for your song help. I still have no idea which song it is, I'm going to track them all down and find them, but the ones you mentioned will be first on my list. I love the Beach Boys! And Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince ... Yeah anywaysez.

Yeah I don't hear voices so much as I just talk to myself, but I hear people talking to me. Not to be all Joan of Arc, but -- I have convinced myself of strange things. For example, I used to see angels in my ceiling. They used to fight demons and incubi next to my heat vent. It was interesting. Then they left after I told my best friend about them. Sometimes now, I hear a voice I recognize as belonging to one of the angels or demons or incubi. But I mostly talk to myself.

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i love my underwear ..... and my legs .....

Ha! I caught myself in a good mood for once! Summertime ... lalalalala ... whatever that song is ... anyone know the one I'm talking about? It's like, Summer tiiiiiiime, something something somthing ... that's very inadequate criteria to find a song, I know, but it's like all happy and it has a flute or something in it ... yeah.

Anywaysez.

Are you having a nice conversation with yourself, Ducki?

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History 101

OK. It has come to my attention that all this crap with Jenna and Joe is very confusing and I think explaining in detail (or at least more detial than I have been explaining) is in order.

July 2003 -- I start going out with Jenna.

August 2003 -- I realize that I like Joe.

September 2003 -- Still with Jenna, I tell Joe that I like him (which was an accident in the first place, I hadn't meant to tell him then.) and he says he lkes me.

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I screwed up

And I knew I was screwing up when I did it, too. I knew it. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it!! I told my b/f exactly how I felt about Jenna, and feeling like I had to choose between the two. Naturally, he yelled. He cried (yes, he cried.) I hate it. I hated it. I hated telling him.

I understand him being angry. I haven't cried once through the three breakups I've had with Jenna, two of which I initiated. I didn't cry today. I despise tears. Strong people don't need to cry. I didn't cry. He cried. It was pathetic. I hated it. I was angry with him for crying like that. It made me want to vomit. I thought he was stronger than that.

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All-consuming passion sucks when you have it for someone you can't have

or aren't supposed to love. I love Jenna. I love Joe. I know I can't have them both. But good god I can't choose one over the other! What am I supposed to do? Any feedback would be wonderful.

I don't feel the same exact way about both Jenna and Joe. I mean, I kind of look at Joe more as a strong young man to take care of me and I look at Jenna as more of a wonderful young woman I want to take care of. I want to be there when she cries, I want to hold her and make her laugh and be with her when she's happy. I see Joe as someone I adore in a way that I look up to him (shut up -- you know what I mean, pervs!) and I adore Jenna in a way that makes me want to hold her and kiss her and make her happy.

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Please

I sit and stare at the gray sky and wonder where you are. I wonder if you care. I feel deviod of emotion, empty, just there.

I can see your face floating in front of me. Your straight pink hair that looks so adorable on you, your blue eyes and cherry lips god I miss you. How can I tell you that I never should have left you the first time? Sure, you may frustrate me, but I love you nonetheless.

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i hit the beltway tomorrow ... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!

Yes, I drive on the Beltway tomorrow and I'm scared stiff. I just KNOW I'm going to wreck or something horrible and die or kill someone or or or yeah ...

Hmmm. Is there really anything else? I haven't talked to Jenna in days *tear* I dunno where she is, but I'm managing on my own. I suppose.

I had another one of my weird, sudden mood changes. I was all happy a while ago, I was talking to Joe and Liz and then I got all mad and then it was just a bad mood and now I'm just very confused over nothing at all which isn't unusual for me but may be hard for other people to keep track of. I yelled at Joe and totally ignored Liz, then passed it all off by not saying anything and acting like I had never been upset. What I want to know is why I suddenly switched off into a bad mood. I should figure out how to switch moods on and off on command, damn it. This random jumping is going to drive me insane. I feel strange. I feel like I'm not really in my physical body right now. Like I'm kind of here somewhere, but not in my body. As if none of this is real, reality isn't real and dreams and made-up things are.

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A Story ...

B.F.F.

I sit in his black Mustang and have just enough time to be scared.
There’s no reason to be and I know that. But that doesn’t change the fact that
I am. I know what’s going to happen if I don’t say something or do something.
He’s my best friend. He wouldn’t hurt me. I know that. But that doesn’t change
the fact that I am paralyzed all of a sudden.

“Come here,

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Random few sentences

I need to post a story on here. I haven't done that in a while. I'll do one of my les ones, I think I've only done suggestives so far. Yeah. Anyway.

I started driving school today!! Much fun!! There's this girl Kristen I met, she seems cool, and then there's Jason who I think I know already and he thinks he knows me too and we're confused like that. And there's Tyrone, the smartass, and Kevin, the other smartass who's cute like surfer cute. Yeah.

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OMG OMG I DID IT

I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

XXxBabybrat**xXX: hey
LeFooFduckeerz: hi baby
XXxBabybrat**xXX: wuts up?
LeFooFduckeerz: nuffin you?
LeFooFduckeerz: what happened with chris??
XXxBabybrat**xXX: wut bout him?
LeFooFduckeerz: did you see him?
XXxBabybrat**xXX: no
XXxBabybrat**xXX: i took ur advice
XXxBabybrat**xXX: that n i didn't get ahold of him when he was in town
XXxBabybrat**xXX: he'll be here sumtime this month though

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You dont know me dont ignore me you just shut me out

Avril Lavigne -- Losing Grip
Can I help it if I love the girl?

God I just need to get some shit off my chest. I feel like I've been crying, even though I haven't. I hate him. I hate him.

Hate. Death, guilt, lyfe, fuck, all of them tyr to state something on my arms. Yes, I am one of those people who do S.I. I stopped for a little while, but I just started doing it again. It's not like it's something I enjoy doing or anything, it's more like a stress relief thing and I feel like I'm drowning in stress prolems that I helped to create I walked out of church today my parents got pissed but I don't believe in their righteous shit according to them I don't exist I'm immoral a whore who will burn in hell with the murderers and rapists and terrorists it's crazy I hate it hate hate hate

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Red jelly bracelets

I totally don't get the whole fuss over the bracelets. They're just bracelets, you know what I mean? I just got ten red glittery ones and I've been getting weird stares ever since. Is there something going on that I don't know about? Should I care?

Anywaysez, I'm in a better mood than I was before. Choclate ice cream always puts things back in perspective for me. So I can stop thinking about Jenna -- no, really, I can -- stop laughing at me! I can quit any time I want to damn it! Really! I swear! OK, maybe not, but I can think about other things TOO. Ha. Beat that. Maybe I have OCD or something. It's strange, I understand the way Joe feels about me because I realize it's the exact same way that I feel about Jenna. DAMN IT! No more Jenna.

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