These youth of two thousand & whatever—
The zip zap flash of transaction,
Air waves communing,
Teleported to a flat screen
And decreased exponentially to a
Tiny image of great proportions.
My body stretched
Full length short of average
And average too short,
An equation leaves me
Shorter than short.
I spend the days with head
Tilted upwards at
Jingle jangle in my pocket. Money was made today!
Well it has been a while since I've posted on here before. I guess I have missed this sort of outlet, being able to let things out in an anonymous setting. A lot has happened over the past year or so since I last wrote. Lots of changes within me, mostly with regards to art. I have a new girlfriend. In fact that is mainly why I am writing here.
Is ignorance really bliss? I used to believe in this philosophy. It is a simple rational. Blind yourself from the evils of the world and ignore the disheartening questions of existence and life is more blissful. But perhaps i had it all wrong. ignorance is certainly easier, but maybe not more blissful. Perhaps happiness derives from knowledge and broadening one's horizons. That obviously cannot be achieved through staying ignorant and hiding from the ills of humanity.
I am kinda drunk right now. I think this girl who lives down the hall from me is kinda hot, but she is straight...how sad :( She misses home too and that makes me a little sad on her behalf :(
ok good night people of the world. MHC is awesome!
The world consumed me
Spit me out
To descover that mystery has--
After far too long
Distributed long sustained confusion
Oh the uncertainty
Too pure to be changed
Too disatisfying to move
Truthfully blinded with the alure of
The open wound that wont heal
That feels good to the touch
More, oh I want more!
But restraint--the key to peace
Has kept my body whole
And my mind wondering
Well basically i have been avoiding writing here. I just didn't really want my ex reading things i write here. Its has been far too much drama for me the past 6 weeks or so. Basically me and my girlfriend broke up. And i have to say it was the best thing i have done for myself in a long time. I am really proud of myself for doing this. And it really is the best thing for me. I know that she is probably gonna read this...oh well.
So...i guess things have changed since i last posted. Basically if you read my last post it was about how i broke up with my g/f. That only lasted like 3 days. I really can't live without her in my life. I love her too much. I basically realized that our problems could be worked out instead of giving up. It was insanely hard to live with out her. I couldn't do it. I was losing my best friend too.
Don’t Save Me
Don’t save me as I drown
Drown in her beauty
Drown in her laughter
Drown in her love
She captured my heart
Poisoned it with an intoxicating spell
Don’t save me
Let me die
Die from her lust
Die from the touch of her skin
Die from her powerful stare
Don’t save me as I fall
In a love with Her
A love that consumes me
well...i broke up with my g/f a few days ago. I feel like i just created a hole in my heart. Its ruff...especially for her. I know that she is hurting so bad right now. She has been calling me all the time...but i have avoided her calls...its too hard to talk to her now...i think i would just burst into tears at the sound of her voice. She really wants to talk to me...i told her friday maybe we could talk. I guess i should explain why i did what i did. I guess it mainly comes down to how i feel like i should be treated. She cheated on me...and i had found out about her kissing this one girl several times before i moved away to college (across the country i might add)...it was so hurtful to me...i just felt soooo betrayed. Many people would have broken up with her then. When i asked her to stop being friends with this girl she wouldn't. But i guess for some reason i trusted that should wouldn't hurt me again like that cuz she saw how hurt i was when i found out that she had done that. I found out about a week ago that after i had left she had kissed her again...AND gone down on her. I couldn't believe that she would do that again after she saw how fucking hurt i was when i found out the first time!!!! But this isn't even the main reason why i decided it was time to end things. The main reason is that i feel like i put all my feelings aside and only care about her feelings. I feel like i don't care bout myself anymore...only about pleasing her. I end up feeling guilty all the time b/c of one thing or another...mostly over really trivial things. I don't feel like i really do things wrong...in fact i try as hard as possible just to please HER...but i always end up feeling like i am dissapointing her. When i moved away to school in massachutsetts things between us got really ruff. We were fighting a lot. Long distance relationships really really suck. And even though we were 3,000 miles apart...i let her feelings control my life. We were both sorta obsessed with e/o...and well i spent most of my free time with talking on the phone with her. When i wanted to do something...i felt like i had to get permission from her...and even for stupid things like going to eat with my friends...its like everything i did here dissapointed her. And then i would end up feeling guilty. She never really wanted me to be happy here...or to have much of a life outside of her here. I really never made the situation any better...i told her that i would move back to california next year to be with her...but after being at this school for a while i realized i like it too much to leave. And I let her believe that i would come back to L.A. I feel horrible for that. But the whole time i was telling her that...i was also trying to convince myself that i could move back to L.A. that being with her...and making her happy was more important that my feelings. And i thought that she would leave me if i didn't say i was going to come back. I have such issues. Like i just put up with things...and i let other people feelings overpower my own. I LET her control my life...partly b/c i love her soooooo much and i want to make her happy...and partly b/c i was scared we would just start more fighting if i didn't do things the way she liked. I know that this is bad for me to do that. Thats why i finally realized that I just have to let her go...and figure out how to really love myself and make my feelings important too. I know that I make it seem like she is horrible. The thing is i really don't think that. I mean she is still my best friend...we had A LOT of good times too. And its really really hard to let that go...but i know that i have to in order to make myself happy. I had to stop pretending that our relationship was ok...when it was really not that healthy. We did have many problems...and we fought more that a couple should fight. But then we also did share some AMAZING times together. Its just so difficult to let it all go. And sometimes i wonder if i did the right thing...did i do the right thing??? She wants me to get back together with her after i take a break from things...she is convinced that we can work out our differences...but to me its seems like its too late. I have been hurt too many times...and i realize now that i shouldn't live my life so that i please another person...a relationship is about giving and taking...but i end up feeling like i am always giving. She says that she can change...but is that really true?...and even if we could...is it worth it considering we go to school on opposite sides of the country?...but i do feel terrible none the less. I have truely hurt the one person i care about...and i want to stay friends with her eventually. Its too hard right now for that...but i really need to be friends with her. I still love her...but i can't bee in a relatioship with her any more. I told her that in a while after i figure out how to really love myself and to let my feelings be just as important as other people's MAYBE we could try "us" agian. But i DO NOT want to give her any false hopes. I just don't know what the future holds for me or her. I really don't see myself with anyone else right now...but i also don't know if in the future i will feel that way...and by that time she might have found someone else more compadable for her too (and someone who actually lives in L.A.). I know that i have hurt her sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly. I kills me to know that i have hurt her sooooo much. Ahhhhh i know this is long...and it still feels like i am leaving out a lot of my feelings for the situation. I just need to vent...and if you guys have any comments for the situation i would appreciate it. Do you think it is the right thing to do?...or do you think it could be possible to try and work things out in the future. I just can't be with her right now. I have to try and focus on myself...and how to love myself...i am just tired of feeling guilty all the time...and i just don't want my trust to be broken again. Ok well thanx for reading this.
They lie next to each other, empbraced in love. I hate them. Oh how their love kills me. I sit here writing while my roommate and her b/f lie next to each other. they seem so happy together. I am so jelous. My dear shana left me today after an amazing weekend we shared together. I miss her more than ever. And the love i witness between my roommate and her b/f is really not helping the situation.
Why do long distance relationships have to be so fucking difficult!!!!! Well im now in school in massachusettes and my beautiful g/f is still in Los Angeles *sheds tear*. I have only been away for 3 weeks, but is feels like an eternity. I seriously don't know how im goin to last this whole year being apart from her. When i decided to come here we weren't together...and bye the end of the summer i knew with all of my heart that there was no way that I could break up with her when i went off to school. If we had only been together a month sooner...then i would have chosen a different school...i seriously would have. I really think that she is the love of my life...like I could seriously see myself being with her forever...i know that must sound crazy considering im so young. ITs not often that people actually settle down with their first love...but i dunno...I keep falling deeper in love with her each day that passes bye. Being so far away has just made things so difficult. I feel like i am missing my other half. I am used to falling asleep with her in my arms and waking up next to her every morning...I'm used to kissing her soft beautiful lips...holding her in my arms...just having her affection. I was basically living with her in the summer. That has made it especially difficult for me to go from that to nothing. I really plan on moving back to california next school year. I dunno where...but any school out there would be better than where I am. We want to move in together. She is seriously the most beautiful, sweet, funny girl. I don't even know how i got so lucky with getting her. Seriously I lust after her. I guess we share a lot of passion. And I just don't think I could ever find anyone as perfect for me as her. I really don't think that there is anyone else that could make mesoo happy. Ahhhhhh I miss her sooooo much. Well i guess that all of you guys get the picture. I miss my baby!!!! And to you my dear shana...I LUV YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.
Ahhhhh im so upset right now!!!!! My g/f is such an asshole! Damn it she fucking kissed some other girl...multiple times! Fuck i feel so fucking stupid right now. Perhaps i can explain this whole situation. My g/f has theis friend from the internet who used to live in Germany. She used to have a big crush on her. And now this girl has moved to our area (sorta)...so she had a chance to meet her for the first time in person.
I woke up so content this morning, greeted by a soft kiss from the woman i love. I love waking up next to my g/f. Nothing makes me happier. Yet why have i progressed to feel so miserable today? Its so strange, becuase i have been so happy lately while I am with my g/f...but once i am left alone my life feels meaningless. I feel as if I could cry a river and never stop crying. Yet nothing...I CAN'T cry.
Why can't she see her beauty
That flows through her veins
Like a wild rushing river
Her body, so lovely
With soft skin yearning to be touched
And lifps that scream to be kissed
Why can't she see what I see
The most incredibly beautiful girl
To walk in my presence
And steal all my breath away
A girl so so beautiful
Not even angles compare
Why does she see only a number, or a size
That inaccurately caprtures the truth