Im not really gay. Nor am I straight. Nor am I bisexual. All that to me is bullshit. Sexual Identity, that is what it is, sexual identity, not Your identity.
Queer culture gets to me sometimes because it seems like there is a certain rhetoric your supposed to buy into. You are born gay. You have to accept yourself. Be proud. Put up the good fight.
There is no problem with that, until being gay becomes who you are in its entirety. When every relationship you have is strained because of the weight of your sexuality. Its easy to play that role and loose other aspects of yourself.
Plastic are the smiles,
Of the size-two dresses,
That are slipping down shoulders.
Down to the ground.
That is stomped on,
Oozing false identities.
Scratching at the mirror with fake claws.
Clumps of mascara in eyelashes:
White film of hazy dancing lights.
Glitter eating away at the raw lips,
Of plastic smiles.
So I'm not realy sure why im posting here. I havent posted in so long. Months. I have become the ultimate lurker. I cant break the habit of coming to this site and reading whats on it. And nowdays there isnt that much being put on it but i still keep comming for some reason.
Probally the majority of people who read this are looking at my user name wondering who I am cause. Ive probaly been arround longer then a lot of people though,I just never got to know the other people who post here very well. I started writing on this site when I was barely 14, just before oasis got formatted so that each person could have their own site so to speak. I wrote under 'queer urbana.' Most of my writings were morbid and angsty but I would love to go back and see how Ive developed since then. I found the site when i was just comming out and it helped me a lot. I think each time i posted it helped me accept myself to a further degree.
I didnt mean to hurt you. I didnt mean to 'screw you over.' I cant deal with fighting every day though. I tried my best to make it work. I did what I knew how. I dont know much about these things I have to admit. My intentions wernt to hurt you. I never knew what love was. I just know I felt something towards you that was different. Like you said thats the difference between me and you. You knew what love was.
This was originaly for school but i think it came out rather nicely so i decided to post it.
I guess today was the day of silence from reading other posts.. Sorta weird considering for me the last two days of my life have been some of the worsts for homophobic remarks. Yesterday the whole bus incident and today my body felt like it died. I didnt get much sleep last night cause I was up writing a paper half the night. I guess my body wasnt ready to deal with school. Scott didnt show up for school today so I had to sit alone during class.
Im tired and on a bus full of other highschoolers I dont know. Im laying on my friend's shoulder and trying to sleep.
"I hate faggots, If one ever got near to me Id beat his ass," boy in a cowboy hat informs the bus.
Anger starts stiring in me.
"Yea fucking fags with their damn limp wrists talking like women,fucking disgusting." responds another boy.
"There all going to hell anyway." Another one chimes in.
Im thinking I want you
Wanna be you and me
I'll set me free
Wanna reach for your hand
Dont need no man
Wanna see you smile
Travel the miles
Wanna lay my hands on your hips
Forget about friendships
Wanna feel your touch
Starting to understand its a must
Wanna give you everything you need
Scared that Ill make your life bleed
Wanna make our bodies become one
Present life becomes und
It sucks when.. you're not invited to your best friend's 16th birthday party because her boyfriend doesnt like you. The boyfriend, that happens to be homophobic and a pot head.
It sucks when.. you're not invited to your best friend's 16th birthday party but the boy who did sexual things with you one night and never talked to you agian afterwards was invited.
It sucks that you have to pretend like you dont mind.
Thought I was special, the exception to the game
I felt their pain when you told them to go away
I held them and told them how it was so fucked up
You just left them and moved on to find someone new
Find someone else to connect with to listen to you
They asked me how come im still arround
Thought I was special, the exception to the game
Pour yourself into them and i'll become the girl on the side
Im nonchalant like a watermellon
Spit pieces of me out and throw me arround and im still juicy at least so far
Ill serve you your food
and you'll start bitching at me for forgetting to give you your frys
Ill burn myself on your coffee till my hands are raw
Ill run back and forth making the customer happy while my boss yells to go faster
Ill try to make out the impossible voices over the intercom while I spill drinks all over myself
Ill clean the tables and the little kids puke
Ill be the janiter and clean up the dirty tampons off the bathroom floors and scrub up the chicken guts stuck in the cracks
I seem to be more of a giver. Touching a girl so shes in extacy makes me feel good.
I dont get touched much. Being touched makes me feel bad.
Bad touch. Good touch.
At the same time i feel undesired when I do all the work.
I want the roles to blend. And I want to have sex out of love. And I dont want to feel bad after I do it.
Sitting in rows thinking about womens bodies drifting in and out. Room is full of god fearing christians.
"We've got to save our youth. They are lost. That MTV has had a plan for their lives since they were born. WE have a plan for our childeren. To make them and army for the lord. Aquire the Fire. Your childeren will come back a new. There is hope. We will turn their lives arround from the sins the world presses on them"